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Here’s the thing: I’ve been gifted with a degree of creativity and innovation, however, I’m really, really bad at delegating.
With a project as colossal as a wedding, this is not a good thing. I’m pretty sure if I try to micromanage every little thing, I’ll be so busy that I wont have time to enjoy one the the most important days of my life. Not to mention I have finite time, energy and brainpower, and I’m a pretty miserable person to be around when any of those resources have been depleted.
Knowing this, and in the interest of, you know, equality, my partner and I divvied up some of the responsibilities. So far he has been put in charge of catering, rentals and rehearsal dinner planning. However, he brought it to my attention that I have the tendency to meddle outside my own realm of responsibilities. Little friendly questions about “have you emailed this person yet?” “Did you look into that thing yet?” I’m not so good at trusting that he can handle it, even though he has proven time and time again throughout our relationship to be very capable and responsible.
I am also extremely blessed to have many wonderful people who have asked repeatedly, “How can I help?” My answer is always, “Oh you’re so kind. There’s nothing right now, but I’ll let you know when something comes up.”
In truth, I have been actively avoiding thinking about what things I will need help with, because I don’t want to give up control over anything.
Why am I so afraid to give up control?
I’m sure that part of it is the importance surrounding the day. Our wedding is a big life event. People will remember things. We will look at the pictures 10, 20, 30 years down the road. There’s been a ton of money and time spent on it.
Of course I want it to go well.
Or, perhaps, because I have been so fierce about not wanting to make my wedding about other people’s expectations, I feel a bit guilty asking them to help if they haven’t had any input. Or, I’m afraid they might overstep.
Maybe its all of these.
Or, maybe it’s because I realized that if something were to go wrong, I wouldn’t attribute to a failure on our part, I would attribute it to failure on my part, and I think that’s the rub.
Wedding planning is still considered by many as to be the bride’s job.
I’ve been working hard on trying to not internalize that expectation, but it happens, the same way that when I invite guests over and the house is messy, I often find myself fearing that they automatically are judging me for the state of the place, not my partner. Therefore, when I catch myself spiraling because I’m afraid that Ev is going to forget to tell the caterer we need dessert spoons, I catch myself imagining a scenario in which the oversight is discovered, and imagine that all guests turn their eyes to me.
Judgement. Gasps. Pearls clutched.
The elaborate facade of me as a capable adult, as a capable wife, crumbles before everyone’s eyes.
Obviously I know this is incredibly silly and dramatic, but I’m trying to make a point — even when we’ve made a conscious effort to reject theses views, their shadows can hold on for a long time after we’ve tried to let them go.
I’ll start by letting someone help me fold some table cards. Even, even if they end up slightly crooked. If there’s someone in attendance at my wedding who judges me for that, well, they probably at the wrong damn wedding.
How is the division of labor in your planning going? Are you having a hard time letting projects go?