8/28 Real Bride Danielle: Diary of an Anxious Black Bride

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So we are exactly a week away from our wedding date and just like when I got engaged, everyone keeps asking me the same questions.

Are you getting excited?

Are you nervous?

I nearly dropped kicked my poor father in the throat yesterday for being the 634876506 person to ask me that.

Cutting out monograms for dad handkerchiefs

No, I am not excited. I am on the brink of having an anxiety melt down honestly. No I’m not worried about getting married or spending my life with Michael or anything that dramatic. I’m more just pacing back and forth anxiously with my clipboard backstage, triple-checking with my stage hands to make sure everything is in place before the curtain rises.

Completed Dad Handkerchiefs (and grandpa and best man)

My mother is not doing a single thing to assist in calming my anxiety explosions. She insisted that she wanted to get the officiant for the wedding as she did not like my first choice person. Fine, whatever, not worth a battle. Fast forward to now, a week before the wedding and she STILL DOES NOT HAVE A PERSON. Yep, did you just hear the record scratch and audience gasp of horror too? Mom and I both work in financial aid in colleges. I get that it is her busiest time of year, but it wasn’t a few months ago. She has had a very long time to do this and simply has not. *grinds teeth*

Gift boxes I made for all 12 of the handkerchiefs

Mom and I went to Sam’s Club yesterday to get a ton of supplies we’ll need for the wedding like coffee cups, bowls for the ice cream, soda, etc. As we are standing in the aisle that has the disposable chafing dishes and I’m getting ready to put more pans in the cart, she clears her throat and declares she has changed her mind and wants to rent them instead. *pinches bridge of nose*

This was a Saturday.

Most rental places are closed on the weekend. I am getting married in seven days. You decide now you want to try to rent something for Labor Day Weekend? *begins counting as high as I can in Japanese and then German*

Applying Vinyl to Bridesmaid Cups

It’s the tiny little bits of chaos like this that are causing me to eat TUMS like candy. I overcame one of my giant hurdles last night and tried on my dress again. It fits, mostly. I’ve been much more active in the past few months as the new job requires walking about three miles a day. I’ve lost 26lbs since April. My last dress fitting was in maybe May or June. The dress is a tiny bit loose on top in the boob area but my mom and sister insist that it doesn’t look bad and it’s all in my head how very loose it is. On some level I know they are just trying to have me calm down and get me to embrace something that I couldn’t change even if I wanted to. Hopefully they are right. As I look out at the barren field where I sow all my fucks, I realize I have had no more to give for quite some time.

Finished Bridesmaid Cup

I’ve been working like mad the past few days finishing up the last of the wedding projects. I finished making all the handkerchiefs for the dads, made gift boxes for all the boys pocket handkerchiefs, finished the cups for the girls, and several other projects. Getting things done and being able to check them off the list is incredibly calming. I know that by Wednesday, whatever is still not done is simply not getting done. It helps calm the inner freak out. These tiny moments of zen are what will get me to the wedding day. I’ve started making a point of telling people in the office to warn others off asking me if I’m excited. The next person to ask very well may find my foot lodged in their throat.

Have you reached this point in planning your wedding yet?