cheap wedding inspiration

My Wedding Pet Peeves

I don’t have many of them, but the ones I have are strong. In no particular order:

I know it's so pretty that you want to keep it. Please don't.

People Who Won’t RSVP. What is that? We’re all busy, I get that, but just check the appropriate box on the little card and drop it in your mailbox. It’s already stamped and everything! Or go to the website and click the appropriate box and let them know. Or email your response. If you don’t, a few weeks from now you’re going to get a very uncomfortable phone call/email asking you, as politely as possible, what the hell is going on? No one likes that phone call. No one likes making it. No likes taking it. And no one likes avoiding it, really. Little card, stamped envelope. MAIL IT.

People Who RSVP and Don’t Show Up. And Don’t Tell You They’re Not Showing Up. Again, life happens, I get that. But you were invited, and you RSVP’d yes, and your meal is already paid for. At least call or email and let them know that you’re not coming. I know that weddings can often feel impersonal – it’s this big, huge affair, now matter what size it is. It’s easy to think that you won’t be missed. Believe me, you will. Left-over place cards get noticed. Think of it this way – not only is it rude, but it isn’t  how you would want someone to treat you. Right? Right. And yet, the table with ten cards on it shows up at every wedding. Sigh.

Early Invitation Times. This one is on you. I know I keep repeating this, but I feel like it’s my mission in life to get this through to as many people as possible. If your ceremony starts at 5:00pm, put 5:00pm on the invitation, please. Putting 4:30pm on the invitations just to fool the latecomers is  going to inconvenience everyone else, including you. The majority of your guests are going to show at 4:00pm. That leaves you one hour less to set-up and get ready. And guests that are hanging out, all dressed up, for an hour. Hopefully, they’ll have someplace to sit. Will they have someplace to sit? And, most of the time, the usual latecomers will still be late. It’s not worth it. Never worth it.

Family Members That Give Into The Wedding Wacky. You have one idea of how you want your wedding to look like, they have another. And they will not shut up about it. And not only will they not shut up about it, but they take it personally that you won’t take their advice. And you react the way that you always react when they won’t back off, which you recognize as some variation of “badly.” And then suddenly your entire relationship is at stake. Over the color of the bridesmaid dresses. Seriously? Look, here’s the deal: You can’t control what they say and do, you can only control what you say and do. So, while they’re taking your rejection personally, don’t take their rejection personally, too. They are always like this, you know that. They want you to have a wonderful day, and you should acknowledge that. They just want you to have their vision of a wonderful day. Hold onto your vision of, affirm what you want, and keep moving.

My bride made these. And this is great if you know how to make it or want to learn. Do you? ( Courtesy of SDK Photo)

Unrealistic Wedding Tips.  Of course the cost of your venue and catering will go down if you pick a day other than a weekend, but how many people are going to be able to make it if it’s on a Thursday night? I guess that’s a way to cut the guest list, but…  I just read an article that said that vendors are willing to cut their rates if you have your wedding on a Sunday. Well, I speak for a lot of vendors when I say that I only work once a weekend, so I’m not going to be able to lower my prices on the one day I’m working. DIY is not a cure-all. iPod’ing your wedding music is not a cure-all. Grow your own flowers? I recently got asked to write a piece on alternatives to having (not hiring, having) a wedding photographer and, NO. I’m not saying that they’re not all do-able, but all of these come with caveats that are often missing.  Getting them to work may be more time-consuming,  stressful and sometimes more expensive, than other options. There are many, many realistic ways to save money when you’re planning your wedding, and you don’t have to step out of your comfort zone to do them.

So, what wedding pet peeves have YOU developed so far? And what do you think about mine? Let me know in the comments below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

A.B.P. – Always Be Prepared.

I talked about this a little bit last week, when I mentioned making The Lists of Three (TM Liz). The first venue might not work out, so rather than go back to the drawing board, make sure you already have two more options in the pipeline. Practical, yes, but it’s also a good way to temper any disappointment you end up having. Managing your expectations is a big part of that. I always say that the first vendor you meet is not the only choice you have. And many times, you’re grateful for that!

Photo by Up Imagery, Flowers by Honey and Poppies

But it also extends to the rest of your wedding, too. Not just being prepared to meet a lot of vendors, but being prepared when you meet them. Dates and guest counts when you visit venues. Pictures of flowers and arrangements you like when you speak with florists. A preliminary count of how many out of town guests you’re going to have before you book your room block. A strapless bra and both high-heels and flats when you try on dresses. Three songs that you absolutely have to hear at your reception, so you can tell a D.J.

It’s true that you could figure out all of these at each meeting, or even after. Heck, a lot of  bridal shops have bras and shoes you can borrow. But but it’s better if you bring it with you. I’ve sat in meetings with couples when the  “No” and the “we haven’t thought about it” answers pile up in response to “How many/What Do you want” questions, right along with their stressed out expressions. You don’t have to have all the answers, just the basics.

Always be prepared. If your ceremony is outside, have a back-up plan if it rains.  If your reception is going to be outside, have a rain plan and reserve heat lamps. Cover your bases.  Find out where the nearest grocery and hardware stores are  to your wedding, just in case. I have stories that you never want to hear. I bring along a huge emergency kit to every wedding, and it lives in my car every other day of the week, too. It is always better to have and not need, then need and not have. Always. It’s not paranoia, it’s, well…preparation.

What have you done in preparation to plan your wedding day? Do you have any questions on how to prepare for any part of it, or how not preparing bit you in the butt?? Let me know in the comments below. It happens to the best of us.

See you at the end of the aisle,

{Real Bride: Emily} A Wedding Checklist For The Scatterbrained Bride

Do you often feel like you’re forgetting something? Well that kind of describes my wedding planning experience, in a nutshell – a long, jerky highway of mental checkpoints, like: “Did I send X and Y wedding invitations?” or “What am I supposed to be doing right now?” or “Was I surfing Pinterest for a reason?”

I frequently feel like I’m totally omitting essential elements of the wedding like RINGS, or CAKE, or a MARRIAGE LICENSE (That last one is more essential than most). And despite having two degrees in WRITING, I still don’t jot down notes or leave myself little reminders everywhere. Or read contracts, for that matter! That’s all on my fiance John.

So while wedding planning has been totally fun, it’s also been just a a teensy bit stressful for me AT ALL TIMES. In order to deter this steady undercurrent of mild mental anguish, I’ve made a very extensive (yet surprisingly basic) wedding checklist. It seems almost too basic to merit posting, but I just KNOW there are other brides like me out there who could totally use this.

These are the things you need to get married. I’ve put an asterisk by the things that are legally necessary.

I'm hungry for braaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnn...cake.

A Groom/Partner* – don’t leave them in the car! You are legally required to have “two consenting people” of “sufficient mental capacity”. Legally, you don’t even have to like each other that much, you just have to be OK with the idea of marriage…

The Date – it’s an abstract concept, but it’s the first thing you have to get nailed down, along with finding…

The Venue – whether it’s a courthouse, an old railroad station, a Scottish castle, or the great outdoors!

The Dress – SQUEE! Now move on to…

The Invitations – even if you’re just sending an e-vite, you should probably let people know where this shindig is happening, and not just rely on word of mouth…or facebook.

A Wedding Party – made up of your nearest and dearest! Let those people know well in advance that they are expected to stand up for you on your big day. AND that they’ll be required to NOT look, you know, how they do in everyday life.

A Caterer - is someone you’ll definitely want to get in touch with SOON if you want to serve people food (and maybe BOOZE?), and not just…

The Cake – which is ok too! Be warned, not all caterers do wedding cakes. And not all cakeries do catering…

A Photographer - couples on a serious budget can just buy a few hours of their time, or just rely on their friends to provide the lasting memories. Couples who are DEADLY SERIOUS about photography should splurge here, and maybe even pony up for…

A Videographer – a lot of newlyweds say they regret NOT getting one of these. I’m just putting that out there.

The Flowers – are another prime opportunity to scale back and save a little cash. If you’re getting married on a beach, or in a garden, why bother? Just spring for some nice bouquets. But if big ol’ blossoms are totally your thing, go crazy. I myself am partial to anemones. Thanks, Pinterest!

The Officiant* – is absolutely necessary to the wedding ceremony. THOUGH there are a few states where you don’t need one. But odds are, you don’t live in one of those states. If you don’t have a preferred preacher, pastor, or yogi, there are all manner of lovely people who are professional wedding officiants. Also, basically ANYONE can become an ordained minister online (EDIT: though according to our resident wedding planner Liz, it might not be legal to have them officiate a wedding in your state)

Music – is easy enough – just bring your iPod! Always imagined yourself being serenaded by a string quartet? Be prepared to line a poor musician’s pocket with some serious coin.

The Rings – could easily be forgotten somewhere by someone at any point during the wedding day. A fact which terrifies me.

The Marriage License* – FYI, you can’t get one of these bad boys day-of. Don’t wait till the Friday before your wedding, either. Take care of this several days if not several weeks before. You don’t have to sign it until your wedding day. (EDIT: Liz rings in again – apparently some officiants CAN issue a marriage license day-of…for a price.)

Witnesses* – are those people you sent wedding invitations to. You did remember to send them invitations, didn’t you?! Fortunately, you usually only need two people to show for this whole thing to be legit.

I STILL feel like I’m forgetting something? If so, PLEASE let me know, brides!

 - Emily 

How to Find a Wedding Venue Without Wanting to Kill Yourself

Three weeks into the New Year, and the new car smell is still wafting from the shiny, shiny ring on your finger. Wow, it’s really shiny.

The news has been spread far and wide. You’ve picked a date, you’re trolling through the wedding websites (Welcome!), hit a couple of bridal shows, and you’re finally ready to start looking at venues. You think you’ve found the perfect one. Yes! You spend a lot of time looking at pictures online before you go, and it’s fantastic. This was so easy! And then you get there. And the carpet is old and an odd color red. Or they won’t let you have candles and you have to have candles. Or it’s not big enough. Or small enough. Or it just isn’t…right. Sadly, you go back to the drawing board, and pick another place to look at. And the next one has your date available. If you want to get married at 10:30 in the morning.

Yes? Perhaps not for you.

Here’s the truth: I’m always a little relieved when a couple comes to me and they’ve already have their wedding site. It’s not that I can’t help them find one, because, you know, it’s my job. But in the meantime the cycle of expectation to disappointment to frustration at having to start all over? Sucks for you guys. All the wasted time, all the wasted hope, right?  I want you to find one just as quickly as you do. That doesn’t always happen, unfortunately.

With a little bit of prep, and a different mindset, you can get through this with a minimum of  frustration.

Rule #1: Do not set yourself up. Before you go and see any venue, call or email and get as much information as you can, about the stuff that’s important to you. You know how many guests you’re going to have. You know what your budget is. Just in case you end up wanting it, ask if you can have stuff like candles and live flower petals. How much is catering per person? How much is it with a full bar? If you’re afraid to ask a question, just because it might be a “no”? Ask it anyway.

Closer? No? Sigh...

Granted, there might be things that you didn’t know you didn’t want, and you only realized it once you were there. Which leads us to Rule #2: Always have back-up. I find at least three places to present to my couples, so even if site #1 doesn’t work, there are two more to look at. So, find three places, make appointments to see them all. Give yourself a little space in between visits so that you have to time to check and see that what bugged you about the first place isn’t going to be a problem in the second place. Try and get clear about what you didn’t like about it. And don’t be ashamed to ask questions like, “what color is the wallpaper?” Blue dotted wallpaper, or whatever it is you hated, is not going to go away. As a matter of fact, it’s going to show up in your pictures. Who cares about that? You do. It’s not petty, it’s your wedding, and a lifetime of memories.

Rule #3: You have to accept that it’s a process, and give into it. And most importantly, you have to believe that you’re going to find the perfect place for you. Because you will. The process is great because not only will it lead you to that perfect place, but it will define and refine what you really want your wedding to look like. And that’s never a bad thing. Give yourself a reward after each trip. After you see the Hilton, or wherever, you’re going to hit that Chinese restaurant nearby and kick off date night. Or, you know, who’s up for ice cream? I know I am. Add fun at the end of each trip.

The most venues I’ve sent my brides to before they found “IT” was five. How many did you see before you made your pick? And do you have any questions, or advice to add for those who haven’t found “IT” and are starting to feel the burn? Let me know in the comments below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

Your Bankrupt Wedding Venue

Jillian emailed the BAB team this week with a dilemma: Montefiori, her wedding venue outside of Chicago IL, sent her a letter two weeks ago, stating that they were closing as of December 1st, and cancelling all their scheduled 2012 events. Montefiori is currently in foreclosure, having defaulted on a $3 million mortgage. Their phones are disconnected, and the website is gone. And according to news reports, that leaves about 30 (!) couples scrambling to look for alternatives. Jillian had paid a deposit of $5,000, but told me today that she knows of other brides who had lost as much as $14,000.

Brides stood up by facility’s closing

Can you imagine? On second thought, don’t.

This is the third instance this year that I’ve heard of vendors going bankrupt, including a very popular caterer here in Los Angeles. Operating costs have eaten up their client’s deposits, so most are left in the lurch. And it’s so frustrating, because there just isn’t that much you can do. Bankruptcy basically means that you have to stand in life after all their other creditors, and the biggest fishes get paid first. And it’s not like you can tell if a business is going out of business. Several of Montefiori’s brides had asked them what their status was, based on what was going on in the local wedding industry, and were reassured that they would still be around. What else would they tell you?

Gah, the UGH just won’t quit! The only way I can think of to protect yourself in this case is to purchase event insurance, either through your home owner or apartment rental insurance or through companies like Wedsafe.com. A couple hundred dollars on a policy can get you your money back if this happens to you. Many venues are even requiring that you have it upfront, anyway, so that’s extra protection for both parties.

And, in the meantime, you have to find another venue in your budget, given the money that you’ve already spent. Give yourself a couple of days to wallow – TWO – and then take a deep breath and think about your options. I always say that the last vendor you meet with isn’t the only choice you have, and this is your chance to prove me right.

Seriously, DEEP BREATH. If you’ve already secured a block of rooms, see if that hotel has ballroom space available, too. Take another look at the other venues you may have rejected. Search for city and state owned facilities that are usually much less expensive, like a local park, museum, or recreation center that you can jazz up. Figure out ways to downsize other wedding expenses (see my post on wedding budget tetris). You can do this. It sucks, but you can do this.

One of Montefiori’s brides also started a blog where other couples could log in their complaints. Shining a light on the situation has produced some action, so see what you can do to get the word out, too. Other local wedding venues have gone on the site to offer their services, and the blog set off a slew of newspaper and television reports. So many, in fact, that Montefiori’s owners finally contacted brides this to let them know that they will be receiving their refunds this week. Jillian hasn’t gotten hers yet, but she’s hopeful that Montefiori will stick to their word this time. Unfortunately, that’s all that she can do.

Have any of you been caught in this situation? What advice can you offer about getting your money back or starting the vendor search over? Share in the comments below.

A Little Tough Wedding Love

Courtesy of Third Eye Open

Sometimes, you just have to do it. To make it to the end of the aisle without losing your mind, sometimes you have to be firm with other people. And sometimes you have to be firm with yourself.

Start at the beginning: Your budget. If you have a budget,and you know you have to stick to it, Stick to it. Stop looking at the Vera Wang gowns and the letterpress invitations. You will only make yourself feel bad about what you know you can’t have, instead of embracing what you’re able to do. Once you get through most of your expenses, you should definitely upgrade where you want – after you’ve met your goal. You did it, you Rockstar, you!

The same goes for your guest list. If you can’t afford to feed 150 people, then you can’t do it. If you haven’t seen or heard from them in a year, they have to be cut off the list. What will the cost their meal cover? Maybe the upgrade to the letterpress invitations? And that’s one less person you have to worry about RSVP’ing.

And that goes for extra people your family wants to invite. If you can’t afford it, or the room won’t hold them, take a stand. If they offer to pay for the extra guests or to get a larger room, that’s one thing. Otherwise: NO. Practice saying this: “I’m really sorry, but we can’t do it.” Full stop.

When your mother or mother in-law insists that you must have something that is completely contrary to your taste or style, say no. You don’t have to mean and tell her that you don’t like whatever it is, just tell her that you’ve chosen another alternative that you’re really happy with. Say it effusively. And then move on. Like, literally? Away.

Your bridal party is grown, and they should  get their dresses and tuxes when they need to,  and show up to the rehearsal like they said they are going to. Your guests are grown, and should show up your wedding on time. If they don’t, it’s on them. There is a difference between accommodating and coddling, and you might as well learn it now. Here’s a hint: if you’re about to change your plans or deadlines for the second time because of someone else’s schedule? CODDLIING.

No one likes to say “No.” It’s true.  You’re afraid that you’re going to hurt their feelings (even though they had no problem hurting ours), and cause untold conflict. So you avoid, you stew, you capitulate, and then you resent having backed down. So, don’t back down. And you never have to be a bitch, you just have to be clear and firm about having the wedding you want. You’ll feel a lot better, trust me.

So, when was the last time you had to show some tough wedding love? Or are you in the middle of a situation where it’s required, but you don’t know how to pull it off? Let me know in the comments!

See you at the end of the aisle,

Your Spring Wedding Checklist

So, statistics say that a bunch of you are going to start getting hitched in March and April, a mere 4-5 months from now.  And, with the Holidays inhibiting your time to do anything wedding-productive for the next six weeks, you’re probably a little worried getting all the left over check boxes checked off.

"Okay, which one of us is going to go to the Post Office?"

The one big huge thing you have coming up twixt Black Friday and New Years is sending out your invites. YIf you haven’t already, put your guest list in a spreadsheet now.  Add a column for emails and phone numbers, because you’re going to need them when you have to track no-replies down, and send out info about things like shuttles and wedding rehearsal times. Get all that now, so you don’t have to scramble later.

And while you’re in invite prep mode, make sure you have at least a day – as in, 8 hours in one or two blocks of time -  to get them assembled and sent out. Invites are more time-consuming than you think.  Seriously. If you’re DIY’ing them, get extra ink for your printer and extra paper supplies.  Oh, and stamps. Avoid getting them at the last minute, especially since Christmas is coming up and everyone and their mother is mailing out. You don’t know what’s available at your post office, so stop by, check, and grab the ones you want. Actually, though, the easiest solution is to order them online. Keep in mind that the mailing rates are changing on January 22nd, too, so take a look at the Forever stamps if that’s going to cut it close for you. Get twice as many if you have RSVP cards.

And before you get knee-deep into the holiday spirit, do another calendar check of everything that’s outstanding. Is there another deposit due on your venue? With your caterer? Have you shot your engagement pictures, yet? What’s going on with your dress? Just make sure you have all that stored somewhere, like your phone, with alarms. That’s how this wedding planner does it.

So, what’s worrying you about your spring wedding right now? I’m going to be around all weekend, so let me know in the comments below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

The Wedding Tax: Myth or Reality?

I’m writing an e-book about planning your wedding in six months or less. It’ll be out in time for Christmas. Anyway, I’m finishing up the budget planning section, and one of the the things I’m talking about is whether or not the “wedding tax” is actually real or not. You know, that vendors charge more once you open your mouth and say “Wedding.”

Flowers, Construction, Idea. And the picture itself. Worth the cost? (Courtesy of Studio EMP)

I’m not sure about that. Granted, I might be a little biased, since I’m trying to make a living here, but I’ve talked about it a little before. For instance, say you go out to Olive Garden. Appetizers, a glass of wine, a salad, an entree, and a slice of cake – what you’d usually get at a wedding – hovers around $50 per person, including tax and tip. And, as much as I love the Garden, most people don’t think of it as the quality standard for wedding catering. Photography isn’t just the photographer showing up, there’s a lot of work beforehand and after in order to get you those beautiful pictures. Someone had to design and make your dress, and it’s not just a Vera Wang that gets  handmade. And even getting a special-occasion dress at Macys will be in the $100 – 200 range, without the tulle and the silk/sateen.  Invitations have to to be printed, and if they’re letter pressed they have to be printed a couple of times.  I got reality smacked into me a couple of months ago when I realized how much skill it takes to construct a wedding cake,not to mention pull it apart and serve it. And, your DJ runs the party.

Wedding stuff does tend to require more attention to details, and frankly, more details. It’s how they build the pretty. And the party. And there is a difference between being able to afford it and whether it’s actually worth the price.

But before I go to press, I’m willing to hear YOUR opinions. Where was the last place where you were sure that the Wedding Tax was being levied? Or was there a point where you looked at something gorgeous and time intensive and thought that it was totally worth the cost? Let me know below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

Scrimping That Was Worth It

Last week I listed some of the things from my wedding that I didn’t mind spending extra money on.  This week, I’m going to give Broke-Ass Nation what it REALLY wants: reassurance that you’ll have no regrets about taking the cheap route.

I can honestly say that there isn’t a single thing I wish I had spent MORE money on for my wedding.  I’d bet a dollar that’s true for the vast majority of wedding veterans, so that’s something to keep in mind whenever you’re debating whether to scrimp or splurge.

But of all the ways I saved money for my wedding, I think the best was not having any flowers.

Brooch bouquets can get expensive, but I made mine as cheaply as possibly by designing them to have fewer pins and recycling wire from my sister-in-laws wedding and jewelry from my mother-in-law’s stash.  They definitely cost less than professionally-arranged flowers, but they’re still as beautiful as they were on my wedding day and will be for years to come (mine is in a box right now, but I fantasize that someday I will have it displayed on my dressing table.  You know, when I’m a grown-up and I have a dressing table instead of just an overstuffed closet. But I digress).

[Photo by Louis Stein]

We scrimped even more when it came to our non-floral centerpieces.  We had 30 tables of many different sizes, because we got married in a restaurant.  We used simple, minimalist centerpieces:  ivory candles inside spherical glass bowls lined with spirals of silver and copper wire.  These did all centerpieces really need to do: they filled the empty table space without detracting from the overall look of the room.   And they cost less than $10 a table. We bought the materials on the cheap at a wholesale retailer for florists, and my mother-in-law and I assembled them all in one afternoon. If there’s anything better than cheap, it’s cheap & easy.

[Photo by Mike Rubino]

Do you think I’m right that there’s hardly ever something you wish you spent more money on in your wedding budget? What are some of the ways you’ve scrimped on your wedding that you’re most proud of?

 -Robin.