What’s got two thumbs is rocking a raging mix of emotions that ain’t pretty? THIS GIRL.
Yesterday, what was supposed to be a simple removal of a cyst in my right foot, turned into a surgery in which my doctor had to (and I quote) “filet” my foot open from top to bottom, to remove what turned out to be an amorphous and mysterious growth which is now in a lab for identification. Then I spent the rest of the day alternating between vomiting and unconsciousness, thanks to the anesthesia in my system and painkillers on an empty stomach.
I ignored the pain and swelling after that, but it finally got to be too annoying. It was markedly worse, such that walking in anything other than sneakers was more pain that the cuteness was worth, and even then sometimes I limped slightly. So I went to a new, highly recommended orthopedic surgeon who took one look and said “Whatever it is, its got to come out of there.” It was supposed to take just a small incision into the top of my foot, where the mass seemed to be centered. Easy in, easy out, easy healing. Yeah, easy my ass.
Instead I lie here, foot throbbing, elevated and mummified, no weight bearing allowed, half hopping mad, and half unbearably sad, for at least a full week, until the stitches come out. A frankenfoot.
The doctor is mystified by what it could have been (just what every patient wants to hear). His initial instinct says it looks like a rheumatoid cyst. But, I was tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis 11 years ago when I first developed my eye disease (since what I have is usually a symptom of RA or other auto-immune illness), but I was cleared. I certainly hope that wasn’t a misdiagnosis too.
I’m trying really hard to focus on the positives here. Getting that thing out, whatever it was, has to be a good thing. I finally found a doctor I like and can trust, and I have good insurance right now. After it heals, I’ll be able to walk without pain and wear cute shoes once again, which seems magical after nearly 2 years of all this. And, I suppose, if there is something else wrong with me, its better to know than not know. But I’m praying with all my might that its just a random legion of alien babies that took up residence in my foot but were thwarted by the might of my doctors scalpel before they could escape and take over the world. Or something like that. But its hard to be positive when couch-ridden and in pain after surgery for the second time in 3 months… the 10th time in 7 years.
No, its a lot easier to be….. oh, anything but positive. I hate this. I hate feeling helpless. I hate that simple things like going to the bathroom are now clumsy, exhausting marathons. I hate the look I get from friends and family when they hear that something else is wrong with me. I hate acting brave when I’m scared. I hate being scared. I hate not knowing.
Lucky for me, I have the most loving, patient and gracious husband in the world. Seriously. I married a saint with a fro for a halo. He’s been taking amazing care of me, even though he’s sick with a nasty cold and deserves to be taken care of, too. And somehow, he’s able to make me feel beautiful even when I’m a greasy, drugged mess of a girl asking for help from across the room. He married me knowing my track record with health problems, and he owns the care of them with such heart…. I am at a loss for words. I literally don’t know what I’d do without him.
So, let’s give it up for the Fresh Hubby today. He deserves it. And think positive thoughts about whatever is going on with my foot. We could use all the good mojo you’ve got, thanks.
I want to tell you all about New York and the all the good stuff that goes with it, but I just can’t right now. I hope you understand.
Meantime, starting tomorrow, I’m renting one of these to ride around on until I can use my foot again. Jealous?
My awesome future sister-in-law is launching a wonderful new service for Chicago-area brides – one that I wish I’d had access to while planning, a million times over! Check it out:Harmonious Brides is hosting a bridal support workshop at Flourish Studios in Chicago on Saturday, February 20, 2010. Many couples became engaged this holiday season, and many new brides will struggle with the feelings and responsibilities engagement and the impending marriage bring. The Harmonious Brides Workshop focuses on supporting women during the engagement period in ways that their friends, families, and fiancés can’t.
Photographers and DJs abound in the Chicago area, but until now there has been little in the way of emotional support for brides. Conflict resolution, emotional turmoil, and wedding-day chaos are featured topics in this one-of-a-kind workshop. Harmonious Brides is committed to using creative and solution-focused approaches in a supportive and comfortable atmosphere. This workshop helps brides develop the skills they need to overcome the emotional issues associated with marriage preparation.
“The planning, the organization, the family dynamics–you never realize just how stressful getting married is until you’re right in the middle of it. Harmonious Brides knows what you’re going through and puts the magic back by providing invaluable pre-marriage and wedding day support services.” – Stephanie, just married
New brides finally have access to the guidance to build a solid emotional foundation. Register now for this unique Bridal Support Workshop provided by Harmonious Brides on February 20th at Flourish Studios in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago.
Harmonious Brides offers a variety of wedding and engagement-related services. We believe in the importance of supporting brides and their loved ones in several key areas of the marital process, including emotional exploration and resolution, functional skills building, and organization and coordination strategies. We provide one-day bridal support workshops, short- and long-term counseling for individuals, couples, and groups, and wedding-day coordination services. In addition, our website offers access to an online forum for brides-to-be. http://www.harmoniousbrides.com
So, what are you waiting for? Go get your harmony on!
Yesterday, I crossed a big happy intention off my “new years intentions list”, when Hunter and I spent the day with the wonderful, wonderful Lara Casey, her inspiring friends Jeff Holt, Jory Cordy and Jose Villa, and a whole bunch of bad-ass business ladies that all share one goal – the desire to make things happen for our lives, companies and futures.
I’ll be writing more about the experience, but last night I got home so amped up that I plopped down on the kitchen floor and recorded this. I’m a little hella shy about posting it, but I can’t let that fear hold me back.
You can read more about Lara here, about the Making Things Happen Intensive here.
I’m so grateful to have such a supportive community, including all of you bad-ass readers, around me and cheering me on as I run heartfirst in direction of my dreams. The Broke-Ass Bride is making things happen! This is going to be fun, y’all!
Feel free to share some of your own goals and the fears that hold you back in the comments. We can do this together!
Merry post holiday recovery to you all! We’re in Santa Fe at Hunter’s family home here, and its a beyond beautiful place to feel holiday cheer. The snow is glittering in the arroyo and cozily blankets the distant mountains, the town is aglow with traditional farolito displays, and the smell of mesquite travels in the breeze, carried aloft from the fireplaces of family rooms all over town. It’s a truly enchanting and magical place. Plus, its the land of melty cheese and margaritas. I mean come ON. Its paradise for this broke-ass!
Paper bags, sand and candles? Perfect Broke-Ass Decor, yo!
It is my first holiday season away from my family, though. One of the great compromises of marriage is the bittersweet sharing of holidays, and the decision to come to Santa Fe was a hard and heavy one for me. After 7 Christmases apart I am overjoyed to finally share Christmas with my husband; and his parents have welcomed me with open arms… but on Christmas Eve as we began decorating the tree I was hit with a rush of emotions that sent me into a quiet room for release. I really miss my family.
But Christmas was very merry indeed, and I am very grateful to have such a loving family-in-law. We shared gifts and hugs and wine and food galore. The hardest thing for me beyond missing the physical presence of my family, was the absence of my lifelong holiday traditions; and I hadn’t anticipated the effect it would have on me with enough time to plan for incorporation of some of my favorites. But I was able to cook up my father’s famous greek-style green beans for dinner which was a great success and brought a very welcome taste of home to the table.
Now in the aftermath, our minds have turned towards the impending new year and our goals, dreams, wishes and desires. Over the next week before we return to LA, we plan to outline our strategy for the year and refocus our energies onto defining our destiny and mapping the route there. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by all the possibilities in front of me, and know that without planning clearly, I will continue to be too daunted to actually maximize them. I am so fired up and ready to make things happen… I feel like a lit fuse that is smoldering down toward the dynamite of my dreams, and its a very exciting feeling.
I'm Mad Fired Up, Son!
One early goal is to attend Lara Casey’s Making Things Happen Intensive in Los Angeles this January (5 days before my birthday – perfect timing? um, yes) not only because it speaks so directly to my focus, but also because Lara is an industry hero of mine and I’m really eager to meet her in person and give her big hugs for being such a kind and inspiring figure in my life of late. I’m working on making that happen, so wish me luck. And, wish Lara a happy birthday – she’s 30 today!
I’ll be sharing more of my goals soon – what are some of yours this year?
PS – stay tuned, we’re announcing the Clarisonic Giveaway winners soon! Don’t forget to enter our DOC giveaway, which is still going strong!
My first real “appointment of my day” fell just after my shower (in which it was verboten to wash my hair), and was with my sister Kim. I had requested it months before my wedding day, and knew that despite my procrastinatory disposition, it would be the make-it-or-break-it moment of my pre-ceremony wedding day. Kim is the most incredibly gifted healer that I know, and she generously offered me a craniosacral therapy session the morning of my wedding. I’d had experienced her abiliities before, but never in such extreme circumstances, but this was by far the most profound of them all. I’m no kookyspooks, but Kim can hold her hands over an area of my body, and not only feel my emotions without question, but seemingly exorcise tension from my body and prepare me for any experience with pure openness. Now that is a true gift of healing.
It was an extremely personal session, but I will say that I laughed, I cried, and I worked out any possible many insecurities, discoveries and awakenings that I never even knew existed before this…. it felt like years of therapy were accomplished in an hours’ time. As usual, I stood taller, felt stronger, and more grounded as I moved forward with my day; but the gratitude and connection I felt for Kim can never be surpassed. It was a truly deep and integrated moment among sisters that I will cherish as long as I live.
Kim has studied craniosacral, massage, and structural therapies for many years, and her healing powers are so strong it was mind boggling to me. She’d barely, if even, be touching me for the past hour; and be able to feel me having a thought process or feeling, it was incredible. She would hear me laugh or feel me start to cry, and feel it just as deeply as I would.
That hour before my wedding bound me closer to Kim than I ever dreamed, and prepared my body and soul to be open for the experience of a lifetime. I am so grateful to have had that experience, and had my swami sister there to ready me for every angle of emotion I could have possibly imagined experiencing.
My love, thanks, and gratitude to our family members for their support is unmeasurable. And as I readied to walk the aisle I was more sure footed than ever before.
Hunter and I share our lives with a third partner, from whom we’re trying to break free. Procrastination. It is one of our great faults as a couple. It makes us late to almost every date (a rude and embarrassing habit, I know), it tempts us to create distraction in our lives. Don’t get me wrong, we always get things done on time, but always under the gun. Much as we try to fight it and cure it, it will always be in our family nature. So, leave it to us to be engaged for twenty months, and still not be woefully underprepared come May.
Soooooo, the last two weeks preceding our wedding were especially high-octane, go go go, last minute errand mayhem, combined with a volatile cocktail of emotions, family, and anticipation. It was like life was in fastforward! Seemingly developed as an evolutionary adaptation to my procrastinatory leanings, I have a keen ability to become intensely focused on the goal in these types of situations (which was how I kept from melting down constantly). But there were some very unexpected side effects of all that pressure, so listen close, my bridal biddies!
1. Weight loss. No secret I was down to drop a few extra pounds before strutting it in such a skin-tastic dress, but after 30+ years of being an emotional eater, I was shocked to find myself not only without appetite, but without even noticing. Normally I’m fantasizing about my next meal as I eat my current, but food was the farthest thing from my mind that week, and the pictures are the proof in the pudding. I would just forget to eat for hours! Thankfully, the dress still fit; however, it did end up being 2 inches too long because of the weight loss! More on this later.
Point? Eat, my little chickens! Carry almonds or granola bars in your purse and stash some in your glove compartment. Put reminders to eat in your calendar. Put it on your daily to-do list. Tell your MOH to be on food patrol. And schedule a fitting as close to the wedding as possible. You just never know how you’ll react to the stress, and you must be prepared for any eventuality. Anyway, whatever you eat will likely be burned off by your insanely high adrenaline making you a metabolism machine, if you’re anywhere near as last minute as I was!
2. Indecision. I was the master of all listmasters. I had it all mapped out by category. I had let go completely and was cutting out details left and right, prioritizing and organizing ceaselessly. But actual decisions were absolutely beyond my ability. Did I want a grande or venti chai latte? Crisis! The seating chart? A nightmare of second-guessing. Our honeymoon research lead us on a comic quest of questioning and confusion worthy of Laurel and Hardy, to the point that we ended up completely delegating it away. Yes, we asked Hunter’s sister to select the resort for us. It felt… amazing to be free of that choice. I’d ponder this or that for ages until someone would just simply say “do this one” and I was like…. “done“! Whatever they said, I was just happy to have the decision made for me. I was so drained by making executive calls, it felt like my mind was short circuiting. I remember thinking that the best part about the wedding being over was that I’d be done making decisions for a while. Romantic, right?
Looking back? Go with your gut. If you think you can cut something out, do it. You won’t miss it. Guess what? Most of these really hard decisions will be fine no matter which choice you make. I promise. And lean on your peeps. They can think more clearly than you right now anyway, so chances are they’ll have a better perspective. Delegate, and trust in their decisions, they’re there to help you!
3. Bride Brain. Everyone jokes about how swiss cheesy our brains get during the planning process, but sisters, I am here to tell you that Bride Brain is a serious ailment! I couldn’t retain any information – it was literally as if it travelled in one ear and out the other. I’d think “oh! We mustn’t forget to…”, and by the time I pulled out a piece of paper to write it down, I’d already forgotten what I had remembered.
The only treatment for bride brain is keeping detailed lists, but its most effective if you have someone (besides your future husband), to announce “things to remember” to, and then they’ll write it down. Teamwork, it’s the best way to ensure success. Otherwise you’ll be caught in yet another side effect: thinking you’re losing your mind. The only cure for bride brain is marriage, so just hang in there and trust that your memory will come back. It will.
4. Release. This was perhaps the biggest surprise of them all, because I’m not above becoming a bit of a bwitch when I’m stressed out. But this time, I was so overwhelmed by the support our friends and family were pouring into us, and staying focused on that gratitude kept my attitude right. And no lie, I was hella nervous that last couple of weeks. The crankypants did make a few brief appearances, but mostly they stayed in the closet. Instead I sported my happypants, and really focused on enjoying every moment of every moment. This was only gonna happen once, and I wanted to drink it all in smoothly.
The way I saw it was this: At some tipping point, the wedding takes on a life of its own. It is like a tidal wave – it’s coming, quickly, and fighting against the tide will only make you drown. The people around me love me, and are working their tails off to make sure we have a sturdy boat to sail in. So, I focused on reflecting back all the love I was receiving, and made peace and trusted that regardless of the details, we’d still be married, and that’s all that mattered. and then I started slashing items off our to-do lists, saying thank you (and meaning it), and it was more liberating than anything. To this day, I don’t miss a single detail that we eliminated. I never looked back. My bridezilla was banished, and everyone had much more fun without her.
5. (Now, don’t misunderstand…) I cried. A lot. I actually tried to let myself cry when it came, as much as possible, so my emotional dam wouldn’t back up and then overflow during the ceremony. There’s nothing wrong with crying, especially at a time like this. Read The Conscious Bride- it beautifully addresses the myriad and sometimes surprising emotions we brides encounter. Again my girls, the waves are a-rollin’…. just ride the tide. And it works! I felt much more in control of my tears during the wedding, and I think crying it out pretty regularly was much to credit for that. My favorite place to let it flow? The shower. Try it sometime.
I hope for your sake, that you’re more prepared than we were in those last few weeks. But, I betcha that no matter how “prepared” you are on paper, there are bound to be some emotional surprises for you, too! Everyone reacts differently in high-pressure situations, but this advice is universal: be gentle with yourselves and those around you, and remember to enjoy the ride.
Have you fallen prey to any unexpected side effects to pre-wedding stress? How do you cope?
Today is the first time that I’m alone in the house since my surgery. The Fresh Hubby is out repping like a mascot at the #140 character conference after winning a ticket on twitter, so its just me and Paco holding down the fort. It feels weird without Hunter here now.
Thank you all for the outpourings of support over the past week-ish! Your sweet sweet mojo is healing through computer osmosis. I’m hanging in there, a pretty piss poor sight, but feeling stronger every day. Feeling totally spoiled by my man, definitely the upswing to being down and out. Unless he’s not here. Like now.
Mostly I’m totally over being restricted. I have to put my eye on lockdown overnight because it itches so freaking bad that my fingers, while I’m sleeping, pry their way under the patch to get at the itch if I’m not careful. The extra tape is ripping my skin to shreds. I want to work out. I would do anything to drive myself down the hill and straight to the loving arms of a Super Big Gulp of diet coke. I want to live, damnit!
So, I got myself out of bed and started typing this.
Being on “sick leave” and feeling frustrated by my limits has brought my attention onto goals. Ironically, when my world is literally a blur, my goals are clearly focused. Life is short, and unpredictable, so I’m owning up to aspirations that have been rattling around my brain for a while; but I’m finally tired of “planning to get to them” and am ready to freaking DO IT ALREADY. I am a serial procrastinator – but I’m saying ‘eff it’ and going to kick some ass. I am taking ownership of my destiny.
First up? I will have a book published (or a book publishing deal) by my next birthday.
So it is written, so it shall be done. I’m done saying “one day”. One day is today. Can I get a what what?
Its been a roller coaster the past couple of weeks at Casa Broke-Ass. I’ve let you in on my various health issues a bit (the major cause of my broke-assery), and while things have been blissfully quiet on that front for a while, I’ve had a scare that I just can’t shake.
Long story short, each of my eyes is experiencing a different cause for concern at the moment. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say it’s not so yum. While neither of these issues are life-threatening or unmanageable, they just plain suck. I’m under close watch, trying new medication, and under orders to rush in if anything suddenly changes. I feel like a time bomb, ready to go off at any moment, without a hint of warning. Rocking an eye patch, after emergency glaucoma surgery last June.
The hardest thing to manage about my illness is its unpredictability. I can go months without change, even almost forgetting about it…. and then *wham* there it is, kicking me in the ass, reminding me that I’m never in control of my health. Sometimes I’m at peace with it, sometimes I get down on it, but this time I’ve been angry. This particular brush with it has left me hopping mad, and uncomfortably so.
Anger makes me unproductive and temperamental. It makes me want to sit and stew, lash out at my husband, hide from my friends. It makes me take everything incredibly personally. So I’m acknowledging that anger, and inviting grace back into my mind and heart. I’m fighting for it, because frankly I don’t like myself when I’m under the spell of anger and self-pity. So today, I woke up to work out. The endorphins helped. I’m focusing on my gratitude. To quote one of our wedding vows, I’m turning to my husband instead of turning on him in this time of need. Or at least, I’m trying.
A very young us, circa 2003 BF (before ‘Fro), post cataract surgery.
I’m very lucky to have good doctors, great insurance, and a strong home-support system in my family and friends. I’m blessed to have my eyesight. Honestly, I don’t know if I would trade my illness for health, since it has been a key formative influence on my adulthood and I am proud of who it has helped me become. I just wish I had a little more patience. A little more control, perhaps. And right now, a little more grace. But I’m working on it, one step at a time.
*ahem* Could I have everyone’s attention please? I have an announcement to make.
(the crowd hushes as Dana hops aboard a milk crate and picks up a megaphone made out of, well, cardboard)
I’ve lost 17 lbs since JANUARY, yo!!!!!! I made that Flab my bitch. I took it to school, then I took it home and then I punished it! ‘Memba my goal to lose 2 sizes in 5 months? CHECK. In fact, I’m fitting into clothes that I haven’t worn since senior year of undergrad and have gotten below my “plateau weight” – you know that number on the scale you can never seem to drop below? Well I’s just did!
I’m in shock. I guess I shouldn’t be, after 5 months of Tiger and Jillian whooping my ass, inventing my healthy-stealthy meals, and having you wonderful readers to hold me accountable. But, still, I look in the mirror and I can’t believe the difference. I look younger. Much younger. I feel much younger. More comfortable. Stronger. More “me” than I’ve felt in years. While I know he loves me at any size, Hunter looks at me now and I can see myself reflected differently there and I love the way that feels. I feel (gasp) SEXY!
I didn’t weigh myself at all this whole time, so stepping on the scale the other day was such an enormous payoff. I’m the kind of girl who is always losing and gaining 5lbs, so I needed a more significant result to feel motivated, and this was it.
So I’ve got 2ish weeks to pull out the stops and get myself just a little more sculpted, a little more straight, a little more confident. I’m more focused than ever. Especially because we just found out we’ll be having a beachy honeymoon (more on that later) and I’m determined to wear a bikini for the first time!
But the true point is, if I can do this, so can you! I am such a self-saboteur that I truly thought I’d let myself down in the end, but here I am. So, bear down, grit your teeth and go for it! You’s can do it, I believe in you!
My best last-month tips:
no carbs after 6pm, unless its fruit.
no refined carbs, ever.
eat small meals, often.
fiber, fiber, fiber. Oh, and fiber.
no meals after 9pm. If I’ve missed dinner, I sleep hungry.
cook. you’re in control that way.
The recipe I want to share with y’all today might sound a bit scary, but its SO good, and so inexpensive. Trust.
Effing delicious and easy eggs:
1/2 package shredded cabbage (or shred 1/4 head yourself)
a few splashes of red wine vinegar
a few splashes low-sodium soysauce
2Tbs dijon mustard
1/3 container egg whites (about 8 whites)
optional:
1/3 package broccoli slaw
8 mushrooms, quartered
Heat spray oil in a large non-stick skillet. Sautee cabbage (and any other vegetables you’re adding) for a few minutes until it begins to wilt. Add enough red wine vinegar and soysauce to lightly coat, and cook off any extra moisture. Mix in dijon mustard until evenly coated, then pour in eggs. Turn the heat down so it slowly sets. Its better if you don’t scramble it…. just let it sort of set up and flip as much as possible to keep it flat and more like a frittata. Cook until eggs are set and lightly golden. Cut into quarters and enjoy!
Cabbage is ohsogood for you – full of vitamin C like you wouldn’t believe. Its great in or on just about anything. You can, as usual, sub out whatever your favorite veggies are, but I think the mustard-vinegar flavor goes really well with the cabbage.
Don’t worry, all the flavors blend into a deliciously complex goodness and no one tasting it would say “oh! Vinegar and mustard!” They’ll just say “hoooooly martha stewart, what’s in this delight you’ve served me?!?!” I’m just saying, we ate this two nights in a row and its a flavor party in the mouth.
How’s your Flab to Fab journey? Anyone have a milestone to celebrate?
