cheap wedding inspiration

My Wedding Pet Peeves

I don’t have many of them, but the ones I have are strong. In no particular order:

I know it's so pretty that you want to keep it. Please don't.

People Who Won’t RSVP. What is that? We’re all busy, I get that, but just check the appropriate box on the little card and drop it in your mailbox. It’s already stamped and everything! Or go to the website and click the appropriate box and let them know. Or email your response. If you don’t, a few weeks from now you’re going to get a very uncomfortable phone call/email asking you, as politely as possible, what the hell is going on? No one likes that phone call. No one likes making it. No likes taking it. And no one likes avoiding it, really. Little card, stamped envelope. MAIL IT.

People Who RSVP and Don’t Show Up. And Don’t Tell You They’re Not Showing Up. Again, life happens, I get that. But you were invited, and you RSVP’d yes, and your meal is already paid for. At least call or email and let them know that you’re not coming. I know that weddings can often feel impersonal – it’s this big, huge affair, now matter what size it is. It’s easy to think that you won’t be missed. Believe me, you will. Left-over place cards get noticed. Think of it this way – not only is it rude, but it isn’t  how you would want someone to treat you. Right? Right. And yet, the table with ten cards on it shows up at every wedding. Sigh.

Early Invitation Times. This one is on you. I know I keep repeating this, but I feel like it’s my mission in life to get this through to as many people as possible. If your ceremony starts at 5:00pm, put 5:00pm on the invitation, please. Putting 4:30pm on the invitations just to fool the latecomers is  going to inconvenience everyone else, including you. The majority of your guests are going to show at 4:00pm. That leaves you one hour less to set-up and get ready. And guests that are hanging out, all dressed up, for an hour. Hopefully, they’ll have someplace to sit. Will they have someplace to sit? And, most of the time, the usual latecomers will still be late. It’s not worth it. Never worth it.

Family Members That Give Into The Wedding Wacky. You have one idea of how you want your wedding to look like, they have another. And they will not shut up about it. And not only will they not shut up about it, but they take it personally that you won’t take their advice. And you react the way that you always react when they won’t back off, which you recognize as some variation of “badly.” And then suddenly your entire relationship is at stake. Over the color of the bridesmaid dresses. Seriously? Look, here’s the deal: You can’t control what they say and do, you can only control what you say and do. So, while they’re taking your rejection personally, don’t take their rejection personally, too. They are always like this, you know that. They want you to have a wonderful day, and you should acknowledge that. They just want you to have their vision of a wonderful day. Hold onto your vision of, affirm what you want, and keep moving.

My bride made these. And this is great if you know how to make it or want to learn. Do you? ( Courtesy of SDK Photo)

Unrealistic Wedding Tips.  Of course the cost of your venue and catering will go down if you pick a day other than a weekend, but how many people are going to be able to make it if it’s on a Thursday night? I guess that’s a way to cut the guest list, but…  I just read an article that said that vendors are willing to cut their rates if you have your wedding on a Sunday. Well, I speak for a lot of vendors when I say that I only work once a weekend, so I’m not going to be able to lower my prices on the one day I’m working. DIY is not a cure-all. iPod’ing your wedding music is not a cure-all. Grow your own flowers? I recently got asked to write a piece on alternatives to having (not hiring, having) a wedding photographer and, NO. I’m not saying that they’re not all do-able, but all of these come with caveats that are often missing.  Getting them to work may be more time-consuming,  stressful and sometimes more expensive, than other options. There are many, many realistic ways to save money when you’re planning your wedding, and you don’t have to step out of your comfort zone to do them.

So, what wedding pet peeves have YOU developed so far? And what do you think about mine? Let me know in the comments below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

A.B.P. – Always Be Prepared.

I talked about this a little bit last week, when I mentioned making The Lists of Three (TM Liz). The first venue might not work out, so rather than go back to the drawing board, make sure you already have two more options in the pipeline. Practical, yes, but it’s also a good way to temper any disappointment you end up having. Managing your expectations is a big part of that. I always say that the first vendor you meet is not the only choice you have. And many times, you’re grateful for that!

Photo by Up Imagery, Flowers by Honey and Poppies

But it also extends to the rest of your wedding, too. Not just being prepared to meet a lot of vendors, but being prepared when you meet them. Dates and guest counts when you visit venues. Pictures of flowers and arrangements you like when you speak with florists. A preliminary count of how many out of town guests you’re going to have before you book your room block. A strapless bra and both high-heels and flats when you try on dresses. Three songs that you absolutely have to hear at your reception, so you can tell a D.J.

It’s true that you could figure out all of these at each meeting, or even after. Heck, a lot of  bridal shops have bras and shoes you can borrow. But but it’s better if you bring it with you. I’ve sat in meetings with couples when the  “No” and the “we haven’t thought about it” answers pile up in response to “How many/What Do you want” questions, right along with their stressed out expressions. You don’t have to have all the answers, just the basics.

Always be prepared. If your ceremony is outside, have a back-up plan if it rains.  If your reception is going to be outside, have a rain plan and reserve heat lamps. Cover your bases.  Find out where the nearest grocery and hardware stores are  to your wedding, just in case. I have stories that you never want to hear. I bring along a huge emergency kit to every wedding, and it lives in my car every other day of the week, too. It is always better to have and not need, then need and not have. Always. It’s not paranoia, it’s, well…preparation.

What have you done in preparation to plan your wedding day? Do you have any questions on how to prepare for any part of it, or how not preparing bit you in the butt?? Let me know in the comments below. It happens to the best of us.

See you at the end of the aisle,

How to Find a Wedding Venue Without Wanting to Kill Yourself

Three weeks into the New Year, and the new car smell is still wafting from the shiny, shiny ring on your finger. Wow, it’s really shiny.

The news has been spread far and wide. You’ve picked a date, you’re trolling through the wedding websites (Welcome!), hit a couple of bridal shows, and you’re finally ready to start looking at venues. You think you’ve found the perfect one. Yes! You spend a lot of time looking at pictures online before you go, and it’s fantastic. This was so easy! And then you get there. And the carpet is old and an odd color red. Or they won’t let you have candles and you have to have candles. Or it’s not big enough. Or small enough. Or it just isn’t…right. Sadly, you go back to the drawing board, and pick another place to look at. And the next one has your date available. If you want to get married at 10:30 in the morning.

Yes? Perhaps not for you.

Here’s the truth: I’m always a little relieved when a couple comes to me and they’ve already have their wedding site. It’s not that I can’t help them find one, because, you know, it’s my job. But in the meantime the cycle of expectation to disappointment to frustration at having to start all over? Sucks for you guys. All the wasted time, all the wasted hope, right?  I want you to find one just as quickly as you do. That doesn’t always happen, unfortunately.

With a little bit of prep, and a different mindset, you can get through this with a minimum of  frustration.

Rule #1: Do not set yourself up. Before you go and see any venue, call or email and get as much information as you can, about the stuff that’s important to you. You know how many guests you’re going to have. You know what your budget is. Just in case you end up wanting it, ask if you can have stuff like candles and live flower petals. How much is catering per person? How much is it with a full bar? If you’re afraid to ask a question, just because it might be a “no”? Ask it anyway.

Closer? No? Sigh...

Granted, there might be things that you didn’t know you didn’t want, and you only realized it once you were there. Which leads us to Rule #2: Always have back-up. I find at least three places to present to my couples, so even if site #1 doesn’t work, there are two more to look at. So, find three places, make appointments to see them all. Give yourself a little space in between visits so that you have to time to check and see that what bugged you about the first place isn’t going to be a problem in the second place. Try and get clear about what you didn’t like about it. And don’t be ashamed to ask questions like, “what color is the wallpaper?” Blue dotted wallpaper, or whatever it is you hated, is not going to go away. As a matter of fact, it’s going to show up in your pictures. Who cares about that? You do. It’s not petty, it’s your wedding, and a lifetime of memories.

Rule #3: You have to accept that it’s a process, and give into it. And most importantly, you have to believe that you’re going to find the perfect place for you. Because you will. The process is great because not only will it lead you to that perfect place, but it will define and refine what you really want your wedding to look like. And that’s never a bad thing. Give yourself a reward after each trip. After you see the Hilton, or wherever, you’re going to hit that Chinese restaurant nearby and kick off date night. Or, you know, who’s up for ice cream? I know I am. Add fun at the end of each trip.

The most venues I’ve sent my brides to before they found “IT” was five. How many did you see before you made your pick? And do you have any questions, or advice to add for those who haven’t found “IT” and are starting to feel the burn? Let me know in the comments below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

A Budget Cheat Sheet For The Newbie Bride

Stay on top of it!

May I be the 30th person to congratulate you on your engagement. Welcome to Wedding World! Many of us have to stick to the bottom line when it comes to planning our weddings. So, here are some very short answers to your burning budget bridal questions:

1. How much is my wedding and reception going to be?

Set aside half your budget. It’s one reason why you should find your venue and caterer before you find anything else.

2. Can I shop for my dress even though I haven’t found my wedding venue, yet?

Like I could stop you. Remember that half of your budget is already gone, please. And then grab your friends and a strapless bra and have fun.

3. What’s the best way to save money on my reception?

In order: a. Lower your guest count b. choose a less expensive venue/caterer  c. Limit the bar, either by type of alcohol or by length of time. You don’t have to do all of them, but any of these will help.

4. What’s the #1 thing that might bite me in the butt when I’m booking my reception site?

Tax and service. Tax here in L.A. is 10%, service is 20% =30%. 100 guests @ $50/pp = $5,000, tax & service = $1500 extra. What is it where you are? Have your potential site write a proposal so you can see the full cost in print.

5. Is DIY’ing my wedding going to save more money?

Yup. But the trade-off is the time it’s going to take to do it. And don’t let the learning curve frustrate you. The pay-off is going to make you feel like a rock star, though.

6. Invitations?

Save yourself some paper and twice the stamps and have your guests RSVP online. Or go with e-vites, if you’re feeling bold.

Simple, beautiful and seasonal. (Courtesy of Up Imagery)

7. Flowers?

Stick with flowers that are in season. If you have your heart set on something that’s not, ask how you can make any arrangement less expensive.

8. Cake?

There is always leftover cake. Always. You can get a smaller cake, and then back it up with a sheet cake. But there will still be leftover cake.

9. D.J. vs. ipod?

The ipod is less expensive, obviously, but needs a lot of  monitoring. The D.J. can play the music and direct the party, which makes them worth the cost. My recommendation is to get a DJ you can afford.

10. Photography?

One of the only things, aside from your spouse, that you’re taking away from your wedding. You don’t have to splurge, but you will regret skimping. Go for quality, whatever your price point is. After looking around, you’ll recognize it when you see it.

11. What’s your best advice on sticking to my budget?

Simple: Stick to your budget. It’s just that easy, and just that hard. If you can’t afford it, walk away. Something you can afford and will love is out there. Don’t give up until you find it or find out how to do it. Giving up is stupid. Ask as many questions as you can until you get the answers you need.  Don’t give yourself too hard a time if you splurge on something, you can figure out how to save someplace else. Just don’t make it a habit.

Do you have anything to add to my advice, or more budget questions? And, seriously, what is tax and service coming out to where you live? Let me know in the comments below.

See you at the end of the aisle,

Ask Liz: How Do You Put That, Exactly?

Happy New Year! Ahh, so good to be back…

It's inevitable. Prep for it.

Dear Liz:

Hello there! My husband and I got married by a Justice of the Peace in November. I’m planning on having a reception sometime this year, but we haven’t really decided when, but we want just a picnic in the park type affair. What I don’t know is, should we register for gifts or even expect to receive anything? I don’t want to make it seem like I’m a gift-grubber or anything like that. What’s the best way to handle this?

Signed, 

Gift Gobbed

Dear Gobbed,

You should definitely expect to receive something,because that’s pretty much the way people are, which is sweet. And although some of them might just show up with a check, it’s a good idea to give your guests a little guidance. My suggestion is to register at one of the standards like Macy’s, Pottery Barn or Bed Bath and Beyond,  so when someone asks, you or your family can direct them there. But if you’re uncomfortable with “asking,” yourself,  you don’t have to go any further than that. Nothing on the invites, nothing “publicized”, per se. It’s a good way to manage both your guest’s expectations and your own. Have fun with the price gun.

Oy. Who knew that saying "Yes" would lead to so many "No's"?

Dear Liz,

We got engaged over  the Thanksgiving weekend, and we’ve already looked at three different wedding venues. We decided on which one we wanted – should we contact the other ones to let them know we’re not going with them. We said we would get back to them, but I really don’t know what to say? Honestly, I’m thinking about letting it go, but my fiance reminded me that we’re probably going to have to do this a lot more before we’re done. What do you think we should do? Is there a protocol for this?

Signed,

Rejection Connection

Dear Connection,

First of all, way to knock that off the list through the holidays. Rock STAR!

I get it. You don’t want to be the bearers of bad news – no one wants to be that guy. Plus, there’s a fear of a bad reaction. What if they get angry, what if they ask why and try and get you to reconsider? You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but you don’t want to deal with any of that stuff when you’re already made up your mind.

But, coming from the other side of that decision, I have to tell you, it’s nice to hear back, even if the answer is “No.” And, I probably sound like your mother here, but it’s also polite. Not to mention good karma.  Don’t leave them hanging, don’t wait to get the needy-chick “why didn’t you call me” email/phone call (we’re all obligated to make it, and getting it is only going to make you feel worse). In the business, we are, all of us, used to being turned down from time to time. We can take it, and it’s the right thing to do. And email was custom-made for remote rejection. Make it short and sweet: “Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us. We really enjoyed our visit, but after discussing it, we have decided to go with another venue/vendor.” You don’t need to go into detail as to why or why or why not. And if you do get the “WHY DID YOU REJECT MEEE ??!!!” response back? Then you know you made the right choice.

So are any of you in Gobbed or Connection’s shoes? What are you doing, or what would you add to my advice? Share in the comments below.

And, ooh – if you’re in Los Angeles, I’m going to be speaking at the Bridal Showplace on The Queen Mary on Sunday, 1/8. I’ll be on stage at noon and 2pm,  so please come by my table in between and say hello. I’d love to meet you!

See you at the end of the aisle,

Liz’s Review: The Wedding World Of 2011

So, 2011 got out of here in a hurry, didn’t it? Yeah it did.

Did any of my predictions for 2011 come true? Well, I was totally wrong about email invitations – not so big. A lot of my brides met me half-way and had their guests RSVP online. This year was completely the rise and evolution of wedding websites, that was for sure. Online was huge in other wedding ways, though, and not just with my couples. Bridesmaids became virtual via the iPad, for crying out loud. I wonder if that would work with Day-of coordination? I’m kidding! Sort of. I was right about DIY and DIY you can buy, though. Those are turning out to be one of the main ways couples are saving money, by literally creating the weddings they want. Etsy.com has been really popular this year with my weddings, especially with calligraphy and invitations.

Purple was the big color with my crew this year. Lots and lots of purple. And lots and lots of photo booths.

Fondant frosting began to taste more like candy than caulk, so that was nice. My husband still refuses to eat it, but that just means more for me.

Inviting guests to join you half-way through the first-dance was cool. That worked. Small dance floors worked, too – four people look like 10 on a small dance floor, and no one likes to enter an empty store.

Never did see all the RSVPs of any wedding come back on time, though. Or everyone showing up at a wedding. Both are just life and circumstances, but I was still irritated on your behalf, you guys. And there was always left over cake. The hubby did not complain.

And a whole bunch of businesses got into Wedding World this year. Urban Outfitters BHLDN (Who’s having a sale right now, BTW), Costco, Bed Bath and Beyond, Kate Spade, and, of all things, The Huffington Post!

Ooh, and of course, Marriage Equality hit New York State, which was a huge story this year!

2011 was also the year I accepted (ONLY) one exception to my aisle runner ban and built more chill time in between when hair and makeup is done and when you have to leave the hotel. I suggest you do the same.

What do I predict for 2012? I think there were some rough patches for group buying this year, but I think they’re gong to work it out, I really do. I’m giving up on virtual invites, because folks really like the elegance of the paper. Same reason why books and the post office will never die. I can’t wait to see how much further tech world is going to intersect with Wedding World. And like I said last year, someone is going to come up with something fantastic on January 2nd that’s going to blow us all away.

Happy New Year! And thank you so much for reading my posts this year, I really appreciate the support and the feedback, it’s been fantastic. Brides rule, y’all. So, what were some of the coolest things you saw in Wedding World 2011, and which ones are you going to or did you use in your own day? Let me know in the comments below!

See you at the end of the aisle,

Your Bankrupt Wedding Venue

Jillian emailed the BAB team this week with a dilemma: Montefiori, her wedding venue outside of Chicago IL, sent her a letter two weeks ago, stating that they were closing as of December 1st, and cancelling all their scheduled 2012 events. Montefiori is currently in foreclosure, having defaulted on a $3 million mortgage. Their phones are disconnected, and the website is gone. And according to news reports, that leaves about 30 (!) couples scrambling to look for alternatives. Jillian had paid a deposit of $5,000, but told me today that she knows of other brides who had lost as much as $14,000.

Brides stood up by facility’s closing

Can you imagine? On second thought, don’t.

This is the third instance this year that I’ve heard of vendors going bankrupt, including a very popular caterer here in Los Angeles. Operating costs have eaten up their client’s deposits, so most are left in the lurch. And it’s so frustrating, because there just isn’t that much you can do. Bankruptcy basically means that you have to stand in life after all their other creditors, and the biggest fishes get paid first. And it’s not like you can tell if a business is going out of business. Several of Montefiori’s brides had asked them what their status was, based on what was going on in the local wedding industry, and were reassured that they would still be around. What else would they tell you?

Gah, the UGH just won’t quit! The only way I can think of to protect yourself in this case is to purchase event insurance, either through your home owner or apartment rental insurance or through companies like Wedsafe.com. A couple hundred dollars on a policy can get you your money back if this happens to you. Many venues are even requiring that you have it upfront, anyway, so that’s extra protection for both parties.

And, in the meantime, you have to find another venue in your budget, given the money that you’ve already spent. Give yourself a couple of days to wallow – TWO – and then take a deep breath and think about your options. I always say that the last vendor you meet with isn’t the only choice you have, and this is your chance to prove me right.

Seriously, DEEP BREATH. If you’ve already secured a block of rooms, see if that hotel has ballroom space available, too. Take another look at the other venues you may have rejected. Search for city and state owned facilities that are usually much less expensive, like a local park, museum, or recreation center that you can jazz up. Figure out ways to downsize other wedding expenses (see my post on wedding budget tetris). You can do this. It sucks, but you can do this.

One of Montefiori’s brides also started a blog where other couples could log in their complaints. Shining a light on the situation has produced some action, so see what you can do to get the word out, too. Other local wedding venues have gone on the site to offer their services, and the blog set off a slew of newspaper and television reports. So many, in fact, that Montefiori’s owners finally contacted brides this to let them know that they will be receiving their refunds this week. Jillian hasn’t gotten hers yet, but she’s hopeful that Montefiori will stick to their word this time. Unfortunately, that’s all that she can do.

Have any of you been caught in this situation? What advice can you offer about getting your money back or starting the vendor search over? Share in the comments below.

Ask Liz: About Second Weddings

Dear Liz,

My fiance and I are both getting married for the second time. I love the idea of wearing a beautiful dress and sharing this day with my closest friends and family, but I’m not sure the etiquette for a second wedding. I am content with court-house nuptials and a low-key party afterward. I have spread the word that I don’t expect or want bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc. Honestly, I’m not that interested in spending tons of money or having the headache of a big celebration. Do you have any ideas or advice for a small, casual celebration for the second (and last) time around?

Signed,

Better The Second Time Around

Your idyllic second marriage can start with an idyllc second wedding. Totally up to you. (Courtesy of B&G Photography)

A Little Tough Wedding Love

Courtesy of Third Eye Open

Sometimes, you just have to do it. To make it to the end of the aisle without losing your mind, sometimes you have to be firm with other people. And sometimes you have to be firm with yourself.

Start at the beginning: Your budget. If you have a budget,and you know you have to stick to it, Stick to it. Stop looking at the Vera Wang gowns and the letterpress invitations. You will only make yourself feel bad about what you know you can’t have, instead of embracing what you’re able to do. Once you get through most of your expenses, you should definitely upgrade where you want – after you’ve met your goal. You did it, you Rockstar, you!

The same goes for your guest list. If you can’t afford to feed 150 people, then you can’t do it. If you haven’t seen or heard from them in a year, they have to be cut off the list. What will the cost their meal cover? Maybe the upgrade to the letterpress invitations? And that’s one less person you have to worry about RSVP’ing.

And that goes for extra people your family wants to invite. If you can’t afford it, or the room won’t hold them, take a stand. If they offer to pay for the extra guests or to get a larger room, that’s one thing. Otherwise: NO. Practice saying this: “I’m really sorry, but we can’t do it.” Full stop.

When your mother or mother in-law insists that you must have something that is completely contrary to your taste or style, say no. You don’t have to mean and tell her that you don’t like whatever it is, just tell her that you’ve chosen another alternative that you’re really happy with. Say it effusively. And then move on. Like, literally? Away.

Your bridal party is grown, and they should  get their dresses and tuxes when they need to,  and show up to the rehearsal like they said they are going to. Your guests are grown, and should show up your wedding on time. If they don’t, it’s on them. There is a difference between accommodating and coddling, and you might as well learn it now. Here’s a hint: if you’re about to change your plans or deadlines for the second time because of someone else’s schedule? CODDLIING.

No one likes to say “No.” It’s true.  You’re afraid that you’re going to hurt their feelings (even though they had no problem hurting ours), and cause untold conflict. So you avoid, you stew, you capitulate, and then you resent having backed down. So, don’t back down. And you never have to be a bitch, you just have to be clear and firm about having the wedding you want. You’ll feel a lot better, trust me.

So, when was the last time you had to show some tough wedding love? Or are you in the middle of a situation where it’s required, but you don’t know how to pull it off? Let me know in the comments!

See you at the end of the aisle,