Broke-Ass Category: Holly

5/15

To do notepad available from Etsy seller marrygrams

Here’s the thing: I’ve been gifted with a degree of creativity and innovation, however, I’m really, really bad at delegating.

With a project as colossal as a wedding, this is not a good thing. I’m pretty sure if I try to micromanage every little thing, I’ll be so busy that I wont have time to enjoy one the the most important days of my life. Not to mention I have finite time, energy and brainpower, and I’m a pretty miserable person to be around when any of those resources have been depleted.

Knowing this, and in the interest of, you know, equality, my partner and I divvied up some of the responsibilities. So far he has been put in charge of catering, rentals and rehearsal dinner planning. However, he brought it to my attention that I have the tendency to meddle outside my own realm of responsibilities. Little friendly questions about “have you emailed this person yet?” “Did you look into that thing yet?” I’m not so good at trusting that he can handle it, even though he has proven time and time again throughout our relationship to be very capable and responsible.

I am also extremely blessed to have many wonderful people who have asked repeatedly, “How can I help?” My answer is always, “Oh you’re so kind. There’s nothing right now, but I’ll let you know when something comes up.”

In truth, I have been actively avoiding thinking about what things I will need help with, because I don’t want to give up control over anything.

Why am I so afraid to give up control?

I’m sure that part of it is the importance surrounding the day. Our wedding is a big life event. People will remember things. We will look at the pictures 10, 20, 30 years down the road. There’s been a ton of money and time spent on it.

Of course I want it to go well.

Or, perhaps, because I have been so fierce about not wanting to make my wedding about other people’s expectations, I feel a bit guilty asking them to help if they haven’t had any input. Or, I’m afraid they might overstep.

Maybe its all of these.

Or, maybe it’s because I realized that if something were to go wrong, I wouldn’t attribute to a failure on our part, I would attribute it to failure on my part, and I think that’s the rub. 

Wedding planning is still considered by many as to be the bride’s job.

I’ve been working hard on trying to not internalize that expectation, but it happens, the same way that when I invite guests over and the house is messy, I often find myself fearing that they automatically are judging me for the state of the place, not my partner. Therefore, when I catch myself spiraling because I’m afraid that Ev is going to forget to tell the caterer we need dessert spoons, I catch myself imagining a scenario in which the oversight is discovered, and imagine that all guests turn their eyes to me.

Judgement. Gasps. Pearls clutched.

The elaborate facade of me as a capable adult, as a capable wife, crumbles before everyone’s eyes.

Obviously I know this is incredibly silly and dramatic, but I’m trying to make a point — even when we’ve made a conscious effort to reject theses views, their shadows can hold on for a long time after we’ve tried to let them go.

I’ll start by letting someone help me fold some table cards. Even, even if they end up slightly crooked. If there’s someone in attendance at my wedding who judges me for that, well, they probably at the wrong damn wedding.

How is the division of labor in your planning going? Are you having a hard time letting projects go?

 

  • 5/1

    Rehearsal Dinner Napkin available from Etsy seller MemorableWedding

    I finally had some time last weekend to buckle down get our invitations ordered, printed and mailed out, and our wedding website fully functional. This had me feeling the pressure like crazy — now that people are actually going to RSVP to this thing, I really have to have my sh*t together (but to be honest, I never feel like I really have my sh*t together).

    One of the things I’m trying to figure out is whether or not to have a rehearsal dinner.

    As far as I’m aware, the purpose of the rehearsal dinner is for all the people participating in the ceremony to participate in a practice run, and then for everyone to have a nice dinner. Our ceremony isn’t fully put together yet, but we have a basic idea that it’s going to be pretty much just us and the officiant. We’re eschewing most traditions: Our wedding party is too numerous to stand at the front with us, and we likely will avoid a complicated processional. We will be involving only two family members to do a reading. So, the idea of the rehearsal seemed a bit … unnecessary. However, I liked the idea of having a night-before event, because a lot of people attending the wedding are people coming from far away whom we don’t get to see nearly enough, and we want to spend as much as time with them as possible. However, paying for dinner for a ton of people is a significant expense.

    So, what to do?

    We decided on a “casual night-before social” (it’s a working title) where we would reserve a bunch of tables at a local bar for a couple of hours, and invite all attendees to pop by for a drink and maybe a bite to eat with us. Since our guest list is only about 70 people, many of whom I know aren’t coming in until the next day, we figured it wasn’t an impossible scenario. We would ask that people pay for their own drinks and food (as much as I felt a twinge of guilt for this, I remember how much our costs for catering and wine for our wedding day, and that guilt went away swiftly). I’ll ask the servers to do cash-and-carry for everyone, so I can ensure they get taken care of, and nobody mistakenly assumes it’s paid for. That way, we have the opportunity to spend time, without breaking the bank, and without excluding anyone. Hopefully it will go well — I guess I will find out!

    How have you worked around the expenses of a rehearsal dinner without eschewing a get-together entirely?

  • 4/17

    Work has calmed down a bit in the last few weeks, so Ev and I have started putting some official wedding prep in motion. I managed to wrangle everyone's address, and after entirely too much obsessing, I picked out an invitation I liked and customized it. We are just waiting on our engagement photos to come back so we can post them up on our…

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    4/3

    Did you miss Part I? Catch up here. Printable sign available from Etsy seller MonCheriPaperie Here are a few more bridal party norms in place that I’ve observed, which are also huge money suckers for both the marrying couple and the attendants: Bridesmaids and groomsmen must all wear the same dress/suit, and the bride/groom gets to choose it, and it must be expensive-looking and formal.…

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    3/20

    I want to talk about our wedding party. There seem to be a lot of traditions and rules in North American/European anglophone culture surrounding bridesmaids and groomsmen that there is heavy pressure to follow. I imagine that if you have been reading my posts thus far, you probably know how I feel about arbitrary rules, especially if they are outdated, rooted in sexism or classism and/or…

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  • 3/6

    Photography print available from Etsy seller HumboldtStreet One big question about wedding planning that loomed over us for months was, where were we going to have it? Evan and I are both originally from the prairie region of Canada, and most of our families live out there. Currently, we both live and work in Ontario. Most people expected that we would have our wedding in…

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    2/20

    TinyTalk Invitation Pillow available from Etsy seller cayteelynn Ah, invitations. So simple in theory, so complex in reality. They look like innocent paper beacons of joy, but they come with a lot of, well, baggage. This is my how the invitation process of my wedding has gone down so far: The Save-the-Dates (aka. The pre-invitation): I get this. The vast majority of our family and friends…

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    2/6

    I want to talk about body image. The pressure to look "perfect" in your dress on your big day. Bridal boot camps! Shredding for the wedding! Your 28-day pre-wedding detox diet! Finally drop those last 5/10/20 pounds for your big day! Blah blah blah. I’m going to get real with you for a sec. I have more than my fair share of body image issues.…

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  • 1/23

    Hi BABs, I’ve noticed that there are a few common questions people ask you when you tell them that you are engaged. They consist of “ohmygosh! Let me see the ring!” “How did he propose?” "Do you have your dress yet?” “When’s the big day?” and finally, “where are you going to go for your honeymoon?” As much as I love talking about myself, and…

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