9/24

HI! If someone referred you here, it may be because they don’t feel they can adequately explain to you why you’re being an asshole about their wedding. Maybe it’s because they simply love you too much, or maybe it’s because they can no longer stand the sight of you! It’s probably some combination of both. You obviously haven’t noticed it yet, but your words and actions are causing them bucket loads of needless stress and anxiety. And as planning a wedding is one of the most stressful situations a girl will ever voluntarily put herself through, that shizz needs to stop right now.

In any case, don’t be mad at them for directing you here and sort of implying that you’re being an idiot. They never said you were an idiot! DISCLAIMER: I am not explicitly calling you an idiot either (except when I am). I’m sure you have an excuse for your behavior that sounds completely reasonable…in your own mind. But please,  let me try and explain why your selfish actions are at risk of totally bogarting someone’s big day. Read these options and see which one applies to you.

This is what we’d like to avoid.

Oh, you think this bridesmaid dress makes you look fat/pregnant/too old/too young? Your opinion has been noted! And renoted. Highlighted, and put in ALL CAPS. Please stop kvetching about how much you hate your dress, and let your friend get back to enjoying her wedding planning journey. Consider the expense of a single dress you are not-so-secretly not in love with versus the price of friendship. (And if you’re secretly thinking the price isn’t worth it — DON’T use one of life’s happiest occasions as an excuse to broach the subject. Chalk it up to a life lesson.)

Are you using this wedding as one giant excuse to stir the pot and re-incite old family tensions? Seriously, if you can’t be a damn grown-up and sit through a meal surrounded by a few people who rub you the wrong way, maybe just sit this one out.  But don’t act like you’re making a statement by doing so either, you asshole.

You can’t comprehend why your children aren’t invited to this wedding? It’s because they’re tiny assholes. No, the bride didn’t say that. She probably doesn’t even think that. I think that. Some people are all about big, loud, raucous family weddings. Others would rather foster a more sophisticated, adults-only atmosphere.  Just because you’re used to big family weddings, doesn’t mean someone is slighting you or your children by not inviting them. Would you take your kids to a cocktail party? No. So leave your tiny assholes at home, and relish in the opportunity to enjoy some good old fashioned adults-only fun for a night, or stay home. And if you do decide to decline on the RSVP, SEE ABOVE.

Are you of the opinion that because you or your party are helping the happy couple pay (or are paying in full) for their wedding, you have final say on everything? I say this with love … you’re kind of a horrible person! I’m sure being parented by you was trying enough, so maybe loosen up a little and let your children plan their own damn wedding? You’re lucky they still love you at all, because it seems you have serious control issues, and/or are unbelievably selfish. If you absolutely do expect to have the final say on everything, but disagree with me on that last little bit, then you also need therapy.

You’re paying for, or financially contributing to the cost of the wedding, so you think you can invite whoever the eff you want? Well the good news is, you’re not horrible (and you’re not at all alone). The bad news is, you should probably just let your kids decide who gets to share in one of the most important days of their lives. I know your baby’s big day is the perfect opportunity to show off and assert your superiority over distant cousins, coworkers, and whoever else, but don’t. Just don’t. You can show them all the pictures later. Having a bunch of people at your wedding that you barely know is both horribly awkward, and a needless expense.

If none of them resonate, it’s VERY likely that …

You don’t care enough. Dammit, your son/daughter/sister/brother/best friend is getting married. It is a BIG DAMN DEAL, and you treat it like it’s mostly a major inconvenience, if you bring it up at all. Maybe you’re too young and stupid to get how serious this whole affair is, or maybe you’re too old and stupid to remember how crazy and stressful and wonderous and joyful the whole wedding experience can be — but suffice it to say, you could care more. You could do more.

Maybe you’re sad and a little bitter because love hasn’t found you yet — or maybe it’s found you four different times and you’re just sort of over it. That doesn’t change the fact that these two people have found each other, love each other, and have to decided to JUST GO FOR IT, statistics be damned! And that is worth celebrating every time.

You care too much. Holy hell, back off already. This isn’t your wedding. These aren’t your decisions. If the bride wants you to take the reigns and plan her entire wedding, she will ask you, pointe blank. If she hasn’t asked you, don’t just assume the job is yours! And don’t get on her ass just because she’s not planning her whole shindig based on some wedding planning timeline you read about in a magazine.

Again, I say this with love: Find another hobby. Maybe you’re just jonesing to plan your own wedding, there’s no groom in sight, and you’re just living a little too vicariously through her. Maybe your wedding was a gajillion years ago and you’re just trying to recapture your former bridal glory, while totally annoying her with all your terribly dated decor suggestions. Your day will come —or your day has come. Hard lovin’, I know. Find something else to obsess about.

“But, but, but…” you say, “the bride in my life has morphed into a completely unruly, wedding-addled wackjob!” Well, look out for my follow-up piece “Oh, You Think You Fancy? Your Wedding Is Ruining Everyone’s Lives!” on the blog soon! And hang in there.


Emily
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  • lizcharm

    And in response to all of these, just smile and keep moving. Keep moving, keep moving.

  • Rachel

    Ha! I love the one about children. Children were not invited to my wedding because that is how I feel. Just because you chose to have children, it doesn't mean they need to come to my party. Throw your own party if you want them there. ;)

    • emveelee

      Can I hit "Like" a million times on this??

  • Kelly

    If I had the energy and stamina, I'd ban children too. They just effing annoy me. Scratch that, IDEALLY I'd love to pick and choose children, and even pick and choose WHICH children within a family.

    • thatbridesgotmoxie

      Oh lord, me too! But we are sucking it up and inviting all the children. I'm secretly hoping that our mini-destination wedding makes many of them decline the invite. Oops, did I say that out loud?

    • Melanie

      I HAVE children and I'd prefer they weren't there :)

      No seriously, I love my kids and I know they would behave appropriately, but there is nothing cute about little Susie's melt down because she didn't catch the bouquet and if Bobby steps on my dress train ONE MORE TIME, I'm snapping his little neck!

    • jamie

      i am picking and choosing. I am inviting my future husbands children(for obvious reasons), my future sis in laws children and maybe one other couple that is coming in from Belgium. And my thoughts are if ppl have a problem with it i will gladly accept their regrets, it will just save me money. lol

  • End of my rope

    Greatest wedding post of all time. There are so many people I want to send this to…but at least it gives me satisfaction to read it!

    • Kate

      Me too. I have one friend I want to ask to be a bridesmaid because I love her to death, but I know she'll fall into the "cares too much" category… perhaps she'll get an anonymous link to this post first? ;)

    • http://ygfasings.blogspot.com ashleymarie914

      We have had A LOT of wedding stuff recently. Each and everyone one of those scenarios has come up. I have no shame and shared the link on Facebook and simply stated that I love the honesty. Maybe people will catch on and get a clue.

  • http://www.libbyjames.com Libby James

    "Because they're tiny assholes" BAHHAHHAAAA !!!! I love you! :)

  • Sarah

    If the kids are tiny assholes it's because their parents are big assholes, haha. I have kids and I don't take mine to weddings even if they're allowed and I always wish other people didn't bring theirs because I want to party!

  • http://www.mellzah.com Mellzah

    Ahahahaha I love this!

  • http://Www.redpoppypinkpeony.blogspot.com Shari @ Red Poppy

    So funny!

  • Liz

    While a few points you make are funny, I find this a bit disrespectful. I love this site, but really this article is pretty awful…

    • Melanie

      Seriously? How is this any LESS disrespectful than someone making YOUR big day miserable. I'm not advocating for any Bridezillas here, but there are plenty of friends and relatives that can behave JUST as badly!

      Put it in perspective!

    • Autumn

      okay, seriously, this article is not awful. This website is a great way for a bride to tell someone "hey could you please back off? it's my wedding!" without having to tell them herself. It's ridiculous that people are so rude and selfish and think that they should get to have their way with someone else's wedding. screw them! if they want a wedding their way, get married yourself.

  • Beth

    I am fortunate to not be hounded by any idiots in my planning, but this was still incredibly amusing!

  • http://www.fotolog.com/charmingdate/ charmingdate

    Yeah, got it!

  • SarahWalton

    Children are good but most of the time they are very naughty. So that sometimes I also don`t want to bring them with me in any kind of occasion. Don`t worry. Everything will be fine.
    about hcg

  • Jessica M

    THANK YOU for publishing this. It explains exactly so many people need to hear!

  • http://www.amberj-photography.com Allen J.

    Yes, there are too many people that make too much about themselves when on a wedding day it is supposed to be about the bride and groom. Seriously. We see brides and grooms having to deal with too much when they should not have to worry.

  • Amanda

    Awesome! I seriously wish I could send this to a few family members who are making me miserable with thier B.S!!

  • Dear

    This was a good read, well done! I saved it~