My Wedding Pet Peeves
I don’t have many of them, but the ones I have are strong. In no particular order:
I know it's so pretty that you want to keep it. Please don't.
People Who Won’t RSVP. What is that? We’re all busy, I get that, but just check the appropriate box on the little card and drop it in your mailbox. It’s already stamped and everything! Or go to the website and click the appropriate box and let them know. Or email your response. If you don’t, a few weeks from now you’re going to get a very uncomfortable phone call/email asking you, as politely as possible, what the hell is going on? No one likes that phone call. No one likes making it. No likes taking it. And no one likes avoiding it, really. Little card, stamped envelope. MAIL IT.
People Who RSVP and Don’t Show Up. And Don’t Tell You They’re Not Showing Up. Again, life happens, I get that. But you were invited, and you RSVP’d yes, and your meal is already paid for. At least call or email and let them know that you’re not coming. I know that weddings can often feel impersonal – it’s this big, huge affair, now matter what size it is. It’s easy to think that you won’t be missed. Believe me, you will. Left-over place cards get noticed. Think of it this way – not only is it rude, but it isn’t how you would want someone to treat you. Right? Right. And yet, the table with ten cards on it shows up at every wedding. Sigh.
Early Invitation Times. This one is on you. I know I keep repeating this, but I feel like it’s my mission in life to get this through to as many people as possible. If your ceremony starts at 5:00pm, put 5:00pm on the invitation, please. Putting 4:30pm on the invitations just to fool the latecomers is going to inconvenience everyone else, including you. The majority of your guests are going to show at 4:00pm. That leaves you one hour less to set-up and get ready. And guests that are hanging out, all dressed up, for an hour. Hopefully, they’ll have someplace to sit. Will they have someplace to sit? And, most of the time, the usual latecomers will still be late. It’s not worth it. Never worth it.
Family Members That Give Into The Wedding Wacky. You have one idea of how you want your wedding to look like, they have another. And they will not shut up about it. And not only will they not shut up about it, but they take it personally that you won’t take their advice. And you react the way that you always react when they won’t back off, which you recognize as some variation of “badly.” And then suddenly your entire relationship is at stake. Over the color of the bridesmaid dresses. Seriously? Look, here’s the deal: You can’t control what they say and do, you can only control what you say and do. So, while they’re taking your rejection personally, don’t take their rejection personally, too. They are always like this, you know that. They want you to have a wonderful day, and you should acknowledge that. They just want you to have their vision of a wonderful day. Hold onto your vision of, affirm what you want, and keep moving.
My bride made these. And this is great if you know how to make it or want to learn. Do you? ( Courtesy of SDK Photo)
Unrealistic Wedding Tips. Of course the cost of your venue and catering will go down if you pick a day other than a weekend, but how many people are going to be able to make it if it’s on a Thursday night? I guess that’s a way to cut the guest list, but… I just read an article that said that vendors are willing to cut their rates if you have your wedding on a Sunday. Well, I speak for a lot of vendors when I say that I only work once a weekend, so I’m not going to be able to lower my prices on the one day I’m working. DIY is not a cure-all. iPod’ing your wedding music is not a cure-all. Grow your own flowers? I recently got asked to write a piece on alternatives to having (not hiring, having) a wedding photographer and, NO. I’m not saying that they’re not all do-able, but all of these come with caveats that are often missing. Getting them to work may be more time-consuming, stressful and sometimes more expensive, than other options. There are many, many realistic ways to save money when you’re planning your wedding, and you don’t have to step out of your comfort zone to do them.
So, what wedding pet peeves have YOU developed so far? And what do you think about mine? Let me know in the comments below.
See you at the end of the aisle,
When we were planning our wedding, and shopping for photogs, it was hard to find one. Not because our destination didn't have photogs, but few had a price card that listed a price for time and just a CD of images.
We stated from the beginning we wanted to compensate for time and just a disc of images, and several photogs sent us price cards that listed prints on everything.
Prints are the traditional means that photogs make money, but digital technology has changed that.
This is the 21st century.
Uninvited guests! ESPECIALLY children!
I'm sorry you're a control freak and helicopter parent who can't leave your kid for 4 hours (when I'm paying the babysitter) but too bad…the kid's not invited.
i don't bring my late-twenties, drunk, obnoxious friend to your kid's 3rd birthday… because that would be inappropriate!
So true. My biggest pet peeves are when brides or former brides telling me that the photographer is the most important. It. Is. Not. The most important is that I am marrying the man of my dreams. I also can't stand brides telling me that I should pick the dress I want to matter at what costs since it is my day. It. Is. Not. It is OUR day. And yes, if I had an unlimited budget I would have gotten an Elie Saab gown but who am I kidding? My fiance and me spent almost $10,000 on our relationship for the past 3 years. I lived in Europe, he in the States and the constant international flights added up and together with the VIsa and lawyers fees, our relationship almost bankrupted us. So not being able to get the gown of my dreams is not a big deal. It was a big deal to actually make and so far and finally be able to be with him so I can settle for the 2nd best. Acutally, ist was probably the 10 best but it was the number 1 out of all I could afford. So pleeaaaaazzzze stop giving me that crap about how I deserve what ever dress I want.
Vendors with websites sans prices are my biggest pet peeve. Yes, I know that prices change (website updates are simple). A ballpark or starting figure would even be fine. But having the hunt for your contact info and then email you or use a form I'm not sure it going to work, just to find out you're 3x my budget is really frustrating.
Bottom line: don't make it so difficult for me to hire you! (Can you tell I'm in the middle of the location hunt? lol)
Gorgeous wedding pictures of the dress hanging up… on a PLASTIC hanger! For heaven's sake, take a second to put your amazing dress on a nice wood or satin hanger.
I've discovered that some guests don't RSVP because they assume that you know that they are coming (obviously, right?). Well, even if I had ESP and "knew" that you were coming to the wedding, I still need you to tell me what you'd like to eat! So RSVP already! (Yes, I am at that stage right now.)
blogs, vendors, friends, etc. who ignore the groom…come on, it's a wedding of two people, not one and guest.
Hello Liz, well I absolutely agree with you! I cant stand people who don't RSVP but more so those who RSVP and don't show up. Its ridiculous! I can tell you that Hispanics are known for this, not trying to insult anyone but its so true. Not all, but for the most part we are used to getting invited and never answering the RSVP card. We say things like "Oh she knows I'm going"….. Uhhh NO she doesn't! That's why she's asking you to RSVP. We automatically think that because we got an invite we must added to the final list.
Please check out my blog http://iwannebeaweddingplanner.wordpress.com/ I'm new to this business and love how you have tons of ideas about saving $$$. After all that is the role of a planner, saving the bride some mula.
Secret booze stashes. Been to wayyyy too many wedding lately where the bride and groom have cheap wine/beer/liquor for their guests & then special, secret bottles of better hooch for themselves! Very tacky & such bad taste! Literally!
Thank you for this post. Just made my day. When my guests don't RSVP–I'm SO making my sis (MOH) or mom call! I think I'll be too irritated to call myself!
people that don't come to the ceremony, but turn up to the reception later on. i recently did a reading for a church wedding, where i was told i would be reading in front of around 200 people. i got to the microphone, and looked out at maybe 80 people, i thought it was weird, but that something must have come up. turned up to the reception a couple of hours later… and there were 200 people there!! are you kidding me? how rude!
my pet peeve…..couples with Moet taste and Kool-aid budgets! They want me to create a memorable wedding but ask me to cut my costs but not the time I spend to design, make calls, set up appt. etc… Another one is not including the vendors in their count! It's just proper "Etiquette" to include your vendors. They are paid to do a job, YES, but they are also their over 8 hours with the couple or before setting up…We get hungry also. WoooSssaaa.
my pet peeve- people who recently got married that want to recommend their vendors but then tell me how crappy of a job they did!
And people who want to know 'how much' I am spending on this or that…
Im sorry, is the money the couple is paying you to do your job not enough for you to buy a cut lunch to take along? I certainly wouldn't pay upwards of $100 per person for food for my vendors! How can you expect that?
My pet peeve is when people tell you that you "have" to have something and/or act shocked when you say you're not going to have something at your wedding. No, I don't HAVE to have a veil or professionally made bouquets. And it really won't be the end of the world if we have cupcakes or desserts instead of wedding cake.
Never heard of that! I don't think any couple specially on a budget, would or should include vendors who they are paying to do a job. That's crazy.
One of mine is the bride spending $1000 for her dress but renting the groom's tux, instead of buying one for a small fraction of what the dress cost.
Amen
Hi Minty. It might be different in different places, but it's definitely the norm in Melbourne, Australia to provide food for the vendors. Luckily, almost every venue will offer the vendor meals for quarter price (because they usually just get a small plate of two appetisers and a small plate of mains that were left over after table service – they don't need your full meal).
The catering company I work for refuses to not provide food for vendors. We usually serve buffet or family style so it's not hard to make a few plates for the vendors. We also make sure to make enough food for the wait staff. Most vendors are there for 12 hours setting up and taking down. There is rarely any space for us to put our car keys, much less somewhere to put a packed lunch. So preparing 10% more food is just included in the cost of catering.
Also, most of the vendors at your wedding don't just get handed the cost of whatever you've paid for. I'm a server, I get paid minimum wage. Florists who set up are also usually waged workers. Photogs, coordinators and DJs work for themselves but that money is their living and their business capital–it's not like you're handing someone with a full time job making 40K a year an extra few grand on top of a living–that 3K you're spending on them is what their business takes in and they can take a salary out of that after they pay for their business expenses and put money aside to live off of when they don't have regular work, like over the winter.
Oh and also, the cost of the meals for the vendors and servers is much less than the cost of the guests so it's not like adding on 15-20 $100 plates–it's more like $2-300 for all of us.
My pet peeve is when brides spend scads of money on useless things like her dress, decor, flowers, favors and programs and skimp on the important things like alcohol and food.
I went to a wedding where the invites were those fancy pocket fold ones that cost a metric crapton and they fed us sad floppy lasagna and sad wilted bagged salad mix with "italian" dressing. They also had a cash bar which is the tackiest thing ever. Guests first, everything else second.
It annoyed the crap out of me when reception vendors would either actually laugh to my face when I told them my budget or would pretend like they were going to send me a price breakdown within budget and then just stop answering emails/phone calls. Is it that hard to be a professional? It's your job! If I can't afford you, there are plenty of ways to tell me without being rude, and I'll be much less offended. I think sometimes vendors forget they're in the service business…
Dittoes for Sydney Meeg! I havent yet seen a venue package that doesnt include vendor meals, although they are always much cheaper – and they are ALWAYS non-negotiable.
My pet peeve is brides spending a metric F-ton on their dress. They wear it for 5 or 6 hours, and thats IT. And Im so sick of the belief that it HAS to be white – which is a relatively new thing – because "its tradition." Screw tradition. I love purple!
My other major peeve is the social perception that once you decide to get married, the couple are suddenly this horrid "Bride" and "Groom". The "Bride" is obsessive and vain about trivial things, and wants to spend all the grooms money on ridiculously overpriced things, because nothing is more important than the Bride's "Big Day". And the Groom is being dragged down the aisle by this control freak but secretly doesnt want to have anything to do with any part of the whole shindig, and subsequently has no say in any of the decisions about it, and is miserable because he is "about to lose his freedom" and will "never have sex again".
Grrrrr!!
When people do RSVP, but include more guests than what they were "allotted." I mailed the wedding inivitations making sure that both the outer and inner envelope only included those who were invited, but I still received responses cards that had added on names and dinner selections. I was put in the uncomfortable situation of having to call them and tell them that there just wasn't the space or budget to do that and I was actually told that they weren't coming because that person is an important part of their life! I'm terribly sorry-I thought this day was supposed to be about the people that are important in my and my husband's life.
I think the RSVP thing is definitely the highest on my list. It's just so rude. Especially when there's money involved like a dinner.
For me it has to be the vendor recommendations that come 2, 3, 5, 10 times… I appreciate the recommendation, and I even appreciate the reminder in case I forgot to look at their website the first time, but I promise you, after the fifth time you mention them, I've looked, didn't like, and would really, really like the topic to quietly go away without having to blatantly tell you I've decided not to contact them…
Besides that, I'm trying to be pretty calm about everything. I used to work as a wedding photographer and the amount of negativity and anger over dumb things (from both the couple/family and the guests!) was part of what burned me out on the business. I'm serious – I'm an RN now in an ICU and feel like I'm in a happier field than I was doing weddings. How sad is that?
What a great post. I loved reading everyone's comments! Thank you… I don't feel alone when I read this blog
I disagree. In fact I would say exactly the opposite. Why BUY a tux the groom is only ever going to wear once? If I could RENT a wedding dress, I would!
You actually can rent wedding dresses. There are websites for it. I don't know much about the process, but it exists.
Vendor websites that don't have prices. For the love of all that is good in the world, list a "packages start at" price at the very least. My fiance and I are on a super tiny budget and we've got 10 months to plan this thing. We do not have the time, energy, or inclination to call 20 reception venues just to find out they're all out of our price range.
My other pet peeve is guest complaints at this early stage. I understand the idea of venting about horrible food, poor music choices, time of day, etc. but at least wait until after the wedding passes. I'm 10 months out and already have people complaining about the couple of choices I've stupidly shared. Anything can change in 10 months. And even if our choices do stay the same, at least wait until you get there and you've actually seen what we've done with it before you start complaining. You may even (GASP) like it yourself!
There are a lot, but my number one pet peeve is having to SIGN UP to view a vendor's prices, this is extremely common in photography. If you're not going to give me your prices in an honest, up front way then you don't need my money.
Thanks for making that easier to understand Bill. The other comments didn't convicne me but yours has. If its only going to cost me an extra few dollars and the vendors are there for 12 horus then yes I can see where its comign from. I just couldn't see it for somethign where the vendor comes for 3 hours (2 hours set up 1 hours serving) and then expect to be fed at $100 pp when they arent even people I know. Of course the waiters are on minimum wage – I too have been a waitress. But I take my food along with me (I've never done a massive off-site function).
My only problem is budget wise – I have no room for extras. Knowing that I have to feed the vendors as well basically means I have to cut 1-3 people from my reception list. Not cool – so if you think baout it that way, you cna see why it is dissapointing to have to feed people you don't know at your own wedding.
I totally agree! Very tacky! That's no way to treat guests. If you want something special, have it before the wedding or save it for afterwards, don't drink it infront of everyone else.