A Little Tough Wedding Love
Courtesy of Third Eye Open
Sometimes, you just have to do it. To make it to the end of the aisle without losing your mind, sometimes you have to be firm with other people. And sometimes you have to be firm with yourself.
Start at the beginning: Your budget. If you have a budget,and you know you have to stick to it, Stick to it. Stop looking at the Vera Wang gowns and the letterpress invitations. You will only make yourself feel bad about what you know you can’t have, instead of embracing what you’re able to do. Once you get through most of your expenses, you should definitely upgrade where you want – after you’ve met your goal. You did it, you Rockstar, you!
The same goes for your guest list. If you can’t afford to feed 150 people, then you can’t do it. If you haven’t seen or heard from them in a year, they have to be cut off the list. What will the cost their meal cover? Maybe the upgrade to the letterpress invitations? And that’s one less person you have to worry about RSVP’ing.
And that goes for extra people your family wants to invite. If you can’t afford it, or the room won’t hold them, take a stand. If they offer to pay for the extra guests or to get a larger room, that’s one thing. Otherwise: NO. Practice saying this: “I’m really sorry, but we can’t do it.” Full stop.
When your mother or mother in-law insists that you must have something that is completely contrary to your taste or style, say no. You don’t have to mean and tell her that you don’t like whatever it is, just tell her that you’ve chosen another alternative that you’re really happy with. Say it effusively. And then move on. Like, literally? Away.
Your bridal party is grown, and they should get their dresses and tuxes when they need to, and show up to the rehearsal like they said they are going to. Your guests are grown, and should show up your wedding on time. If they don’t, it’s on them. There is a difference between accommodating and coddling, and you might as well learn it now. Here’s a hint: if you’re about to change your plans or deadlines for the second time because of someone else’s schedule? CODDLIING.
No one likes to say “No.” It’s true. You’re afraid that you’re going to hurt their feelings (even though they had no problem hurting ours), and cause untold conflict. So you avoid, you stew, you capitulate, and then you resent having backed down. So, don’t back down. And you never have to be a bitch, you just have to be clear and firm about having the wedding you want. You’ll feel a lot better, trust me.
So, when was the last time you had to show some tough wedding love? Or are you in the middle of a situation where it’s required, but you don’t know how to pull it off? Let me know in the comments!
See you at the end of the aisle,
Current (but not only!) example of this with our wedding – the mothers think its nuts to have plastic dishes (that the caterer provides) rather than real china (that we have to shell out $$$ for!). Closing in on the endpoint of the budget – give in to them, or leave a little wiggle room in the budget if we get a couple more RSVPs than we planned on? The Mr. and I really don't want to spend it. Maybe if they add a little to the budget amout…
I've had to say "no" to my future mother-in-law several times already, and our wedding is still 6 months away. She constantly wants to talk about things she wants to do for the reception, and not only do I not like her ideas, but they are unnecessary & tacky. The woman's driving me crazy and I'm not even married to her son yet! One of the times I had to say "no" actually resulted in a full-blown fight, because she decided to go "over my head" (not my words) to my fiance. Ahhhhh I can't handle the woman! Ok, rant over. Great post!
The most unlikely suspect, one of my bff’s
not so much having to say no as much as WTH… Giving stress where none should be:/
The ones the caterer provides. Point out that they're included in the cost of the catering, and that YOU are happy with those.
Yeah, I have a couple of brides that have run into that – wedding party members that misplace info they've been given 3 times, etc. The thing is if you've made it clear about what is required, you really have to let it go. There's not really anything you can do – it's not you, it's her.
This is a good reminder so I'm bookmarking this to refer back to later. Much as I love my groom, he wants to throw an extravagant affair with all the bells and whistles and we don't have an unlimited budget. I've found that presenting him with a few budget-friendly options that I like lets him be involved in decision-making without blowing the bank.
I've also gotten a bit of this from the BMs ("do I really have to wear the same dress as everyone else?" and "that's not really my color" and "it's fine if you want to reuse the BM bouquets as centerpieces but I just want to make sure I get to take home my bouquet" and "I like a buffet better than a sit-down people"). At first I kept asking their opinion which left me wide open to these kinds of comments so going forward I'm trying to be more decisive and just relay information rather than asking for feedback from the bridal party.
My fiance's family is huge. As in, 70 guests from his side – and that's just aunts, uncles and first cousins! We expected pushback from his mother in that regard, wanting to invite second-cousins thrice-removed and so on, but she was surprisingly cool with it. However, she insists that everyone should be allowed a plus-one – that they will "expect to be able to bring a date". I really don't think people need plus-ones if they're not in relationships, especially family members who will already know a lot of other guests. Frankly, there are friends of mine who I'm not inviting, and I'd rather they come than some person's date I've never met. The invitation stage is still a way off, so I dunno whether to just invite who I want the way I want and not mention it to FMIL again, or to put my foot down in some way.
ran into the "no" problem quite recently! sent a save the date to a friend, with only her name on it. she gave me her mother's address, even though she doesn't live at home any longer. her mother (who i haven't seen in 8+ years) opened the save the date, and even though her name wasn't on the envelope, ASSUMED she was invited too. they don't even have the same last name, so it's not like she could have misread the envelope, she just took the liberty to open her *grown* daughter's mail. now the mother's feelings are hurt and my friend doesn't want to attend the wedding, even though before all this happened, she couldn't wait for it to get here. i could have easily caved, but didn't. our guest list is our guest list and that's final. we just can't afford everyone and their mom, literally!
the +1 issue can be difficult. depends on if your budget would allow a +1 for everyone. personally, i only want to give +1's to people who truly won't know anyone else. i don't want a bunch of random people showing up to my wedding as dates of my friends or family, i feel like it takes away from the intimate feeling. do what YOU want it's YOUR wedding!
im in the middle of having to show some tough bridesmaid but its so hard!
Tough love is particularly tough when everyone wants to please each other! This definitely happened in family negotiations. Sometimes budget limits are actually useful because they make it easier to insist on a decision instead of going overboard though.
Guest list seems to be a pretty common area of contention – we wound up having to do 2 rounds of invitations, the first very early to the distant relatives we were assured "definitely won't come," and the second to our friends one by one as the negative RSVPs came in. I was pretty resentful about this at first, given that we couldn't guarantee the relatives' non-attendance, but it actually worked out great and we have been able to invite all of those friends.
+1s- I hear all you girls on this one! Obviously we don't have a lot of extra space in our venue, so we only gave +1s to two single people who won't know a lot of people, everyone else either has a serious partner or a lot of friends who will be there. There have been a few inquiries about bringing guests but every time we've explained the situation people have totally understood.
And oddly, we kind of hit an impasse at flowers. I wanted to do all origami for the reception, boutonnieres, etc., but get real ones for just the altar and my bouquet. This would have allowed me to make most of them cheaply and in awesome colors, and then just waltz into Whole Foods with $50 the day before for the things that would require a larger quantity of blooms and "arranging". My mom thought if there were any real flowers at the ceremony, they should ALL be real. However, when you have to order a bunch of boutonnieres and corsages, you can't just go to the store, you have to order ahead and spend hundreds of dollars, which was not something we wanted to do budget-wise. So…right now I'm halfway through an origami bouquet and altar arrangement, both lots more work than I'd planned. Sigh. Oh well. At least my groom thinks they're awesome, and I can keep the bouquet after the wedding if I don't lose it.
How big is your venue? We have a similar breakdown – 65 family on his side, also just close relatives, plus a couple of close family friends. His parents also asked about plus ones for some people, but when we told them that their family fills almost half the capacity of our venue, and we want to fit my family and some good friends into the other half, they let it go. If you can show them the numbers for the space, and an actual list of names of people who you would have to exclude if you gave everyone plus ones, maybe they will understand?
I'm right there with Emma. Trying to convince certain key family members that paper flowers were the way to go was HARD. For us, it's the perfect choice – environmentally friendly, long lasting, temperature immune, and a perfect connection to our library/garden party theme (we met in library school). The solution was to shell out an extra $15 for a few sample flowers beforehand; once everyone saw how lovely they were, and how they really were *perfect* for our personalities, a lot of the tension dissipated. We trusted our judgement, held our ground, and were better off because of it.
I'm not inviting my father to my wedding because he was mentally abusive my entire childhood. His side of the family doesn't believe me. I want to invite everyone on his side of the family, just not him. I KNOW feelings are going to get hurt… but I just have to say NO. The man that ruined my childhood will NOT be in attendance at my wedding–the happiest day of my life. Point blank. However, on the other hand, I know that there will HAVE to be drama through this. He will either show up anyway, or my grandmother will guilt me to death. Hardest situation ever…. any suggestions?
What about the bride who changes the date over 5 times, all within a month of the wedding and then cuts people out of her life because they couldn't make the new date because of jobs, family issues, or budget (not being able to afford a plane ticket when the new -and final- date was given just a week before the ceremony would take place) when the wedding was on the other side of the country? Surely the guests are not obligated to attend, especially after specifically telling the bride that they would not be able to come if it was a certain week or month, and the bride should not consider these people "backstabbers" and "false friends?" My former best friend and college roommate did this…I was to provide the music for the wedding, but it was put off literally a few weeks before the date, then it kept getting moved until it finally was set for a week that I had to work 6 18hr shifts in 7 days and no one was told until a week beforehand. When I told her that I could not be there, she immediately cut me off completely and still calls up mutual friends to complain about how I am a horrible person and went back on my word when I had told her that week I had to work across the country. I think sometimes guests must provide "tough love" to bridezillas as well.
Probably the most difficult thing for my mom has been our budget. FH and I came up with a number we are comfortable with whether or not we get $$ help and it's important for us to stick to it. My mom keeps offering more and more money so that I will get a fancier dress or fancier flowers and I keep shooting her down and she just keeps fighting me. Telling the dress consultant to ignore my budget, etc. She can't comprehend why I wouldn't want to spend more money if she's offering it. But we just don't believe in spending that much on one day. Yesterday I took her to look at the dress I found and she took some convincing, esp. when she found out it was $320, but I think by polite but firm insistence is finally starting to get through to her. She understands that it's important to me and I'm not going to budge, so she's just going to enjoy the process with me instead of trying to undermine me.
I'm so glad I found this post. I've been struggling with my guest list since I got engaged last Valentine's Day. Both of our moms are coming to the wedding, but neither my fiance or I want to invite the rest of our families. We are on a tight budget and we're both only children who aren't close at all to our aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. So we're mostly just inviting our friends, who have become our "family" over the years. But I can't help but feel guilty. Is it wrong to not invite our families?
Thanks for your reason. I love see clearly Marcy Lu