Breaking up is hard to do.
Nahhhh, its not what you think. But, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And I just need to talk it out.
I recently made the unbearably difficult choice to “break up with” one of my very best friends. It’s the first time in my adult life that I’ve been faced with having to willfully separate from someone whom I loved deeply (and still do) and shared a great deal of intimacy with, yet was never a romantic partner. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever dissolved.
But after nine years of that kind of closeness, it hurts worse than most of my romantic break-ups in the past.
When the scales of a relationship that’s endured over many years and through vast experiences tip in favor of “for worse”, it’s very hard to know when to say when. In the past, I’ve allowed far too much “worse” to pervade my life in the name of averting conflict, or fear of loss, or weakness of will or confidence or strength. It’s all too easy to confuse loyalty with leaving yourself behind… to blur the line between curable and terminal… or to hide behind the guise of unconditional love to avoid confronting how utterly, devastatingly conditional it has actually become. I guess this is kind of a big step for me, in that I honored my boundaries more fully than I have in the past and put my well-being first, in saying “this ‘worse’ has gone too far”. I wish I felt better about that realization, but I don’t.
And this particular decision goes much further than the dissolution of a friendship. It also marks the death of a project that both Hunter and I, alongside our friend, had been pouring energy, creativity and love into for the past two years. It’s the demise of a partnership we’ve been building up far longer than that. The promise of that potential, the fantasy of our future, all the magic we were manifesting… it all went poof –compounding my grief and disappointment and sense of loss in deeper, more existential ways than I imagined. My heart is… its just broken. There’s no way around that truth, unexpected though it may be. And the mourning period is…. arduous.
There is still a corner of this heart holding out a deeply resonant prayer that someday in the future, there can be repair. That, despite the broken trust, the burning words, and all the unfair fallout –that given space, growth, healing and evolution– we’ll find a way back to each other and mend our friendship to be stronger than before. It seems impossible to me that nine years of so much shared intimacy and experience can just implode, dissolve and vanish into thin air.
This experience creates so much fear in me. We tend to think of our relationships with those we love and trust and invest into over many years as permanent. My love for this friend is like a tattoo on my heart, and while for the time being it is necessary to remove him from my life for both of our sakes, nothing can undo the history, the love, and the undeniable wish I have for the way our friendship used to be.
Mannnnn. Growing up is overrated, and relationships are hard, yo. Am I alone here, or have any of you had a similar experience?
I had a very similar experience last year. We weren't considering being business partners, but she was a friend from college who I'd spent a lot of hours e-mailing with during the workday and sharing my frustrations and triumphs with. The problem was that she was making a lot of terrible life decisions and every time I would try to support positive change, she'd ignore it or just refuse to deal. I wasn't trying to control her; just support her when she said she might try something different or change direction. Also, there was some pathological lying.
Eventually, for my own sanity, I had to break up with her. She took it really hard, and still doesn't understand why it happened. It was difficult, but I'm so much happier for it and no longer uncomfortably sitting at dinners I didn't really want to attend but went to out of a sense of obligation to our past.
Oh, hugs times a bajillion.
Breakups suck. Similar to Nadine, I had one friendship that went awry as a result of her poor decision-making and culminated in her breaking my heart when she dropped out of the wedding for money issues, which I understood, but never spoke to me or responded to efforts toward communication, which I don't understand. It makes my heart hurt, after 20 years of friendship, but it's plain to see that she's just in a very, very different spot and that spot doesn't include me.
I applaud you on being able to not only voice your pain, but keep a positive viewpoint on it. Again, oh so many hugs your way and keep your chin up. xo
Oh, hugs times a bajillion.
Breakups suck. Similar to Nadine, I had one friendship that went awry as a result of her poor decision-making and culminated in her breaking my heart when she dropped out of the wedding for money issues, which I understood, but never spoke to me or responded to efforts toward communication, which I don't understand. It makes my heart hurt, after 20 years of friendship, but it's plain to see that she's just in a very, very different spot and that spot doesn't include me.
I applaud you on being able to not only voice your pain, but keep a positive viewpoint on it. Again, oh so many hugs your way and keep your chin up. xo
I had to break up with my best friend of about ten years about three years ago. Let me tell you, internets, it was harder than any romantic breakup I have ever been through.
Without going into details about her lies and terrible abuse of my good nature, what it came down to was that I came to the realization that I have many wonderful people in my life who treat me with love and respect. They are completely awesome to me, and I deserve that. I do not need anyone in my life who is anything less than completely awesome to me, and this person was far, far less.
Dana, I send you e-hugs, and my hopes that this turns out for the best.
Oh that's so difficult. I've been there twice. It's really difficult but just WAIT. You'll feel renewed, and you'll breathe so much more easily. Not right away, especially if there's any clean-up to do, but soon. And it will feel wonderful.
I broke up with my best friend last year. It came as a surprise to me, at first. Out of nowhere she told me that her trust had been broken and I didn't even know why. She never told me. The end of our relationship came down to a lack of communication, and it sucked. I had to make the decision to actually terminate the friendship because she wouldn't. She would have just strung me on forever, leaving a shell of the former friendship behind, and letting me wonder "what if" forever. The worst part is that it's hard for me to open up like that to anyone else. I was closer to her than I am even to my fiance. She knew all of my secrets, and never judged me, and now I'm afraid to let someone else in, lest I be hurt the same way again. I hope that someday I can find someone to replace that in my life, but it won't be easy.
Growing up is overrated and relationships are hard–I SO agree. There's something about those long-term friendships, too. When they become distant or when they hurt you, it causes a pain like nothing else. I know I've experienced it many times with a particular friend of mine and have thought about ending the friendship to save my {emotional} sanity. I just can't let go! Thanks for sharing your story with so much honesty and openness. You are certainly NOT alone in this.
Two years ago, I broke up with my best friend since 6th grade. We'd been through a lot together, but her negativity and manipulation of me and everyone else in her life became unbearable and was causing me physical pain. I didn't just cry post-breakup, I wept. We had promised we'd be maid of honors for each other, and she suddenly wasn't in my life when I got engagement 4 months after I severe ties with her.
While it is very different, several years ago my best friend from high school and I had a huge falling out secondary to him taking my ex's side during our long, drawn-out, and super-painful breakup, despite the fact that he only knew my ex through me. We didn't speak for a year, not even when we were at the same events because of our mutual friends. Then, the ice broke and it was like nothing negative had ever happened. Our friendship is just as good now as it was before, if not better, and we honestly didn't skip a beat once it picked back up. I don't know how it happened or why, but never let go of the hope that it can be repaired one day!
I've had a very similar experience to this. Last year I ended a friendship with my very best friend because the life choices she was making was some that I absolutely could not except. Those choices put a strain on our friendship and after one argument we simply never contacted one another. She was there for me in so many circumstances, we were always able to confide in one another. It hurts so much to lose someone that close, especially in my engagement and wedding planning its so hard to not have her there.
Growing up blows!
I feel your pain…going through this right now.
I feel your pain! About three years ago I broke up with boyfriend and best friend in the same weekend. Absolutely no fun, and best friend definitely hurt worse.
I've been there before. It hurts a lot, and I don't think I've gotten over it yet and it's been more than a year. We had been friends through some really tough stuff together, but I had to make the call because our friendship wasn't healthy any longer. Sometimes you have to make the call. It hurts like hell, but it's the best decision you'll make.
I lost my best mate of 9 yrs we got close after the death of my fiance who was her best mate. It was intense she brought my house off my, held my hand at my mums funeral but she was very controlling and hated the fact I moved on.
lots of love m xx
There are times were u gotta be selfish and look after your own well being the right desicions aren’t always the easy ones.
Chin up
I'm with you there Chris. After I let go of my two best friends I felt like I was 50 pounds lighter. Once the pain subsided you start realizing you are so much better off and your life is a bit better with out all the pain and drama. Make sure you look for those moments Dana where you get that realization that what you did was right!
This hit me hard (and you know why). Particularly this line: "It’s all too easy to confuse loyalty with leaving yourself behind… to blur the line between curable and terminal… or to hide behind the guise of unconditional love to avoid confronting how utterly, devastatingly conditional it has actually become."
Couldn't have said it better. I love you. You will get through this. The biggest of hugs to you, Dizzle. xoxo
I'm sending out a big ol' spiritual friendship bandaid out there in the world and thinking positive thoughts.
I had to do the same thing about 6 years ago. My best friend from high school was the kind of person that we just *knew* what was going on in our lives. It got to a point where (from my perspective) he seemed very controlling – like he wanted me to be dependent on him to make major life changes. When I was in a bit of trouble – when I needed him more than ever – he chided me. We made the promise to each other that we'd dance with each other at each other's weddings and everything.
The night of his wedding (which I had no knowledge of) is when I had my first date with my soon to be husband. The friendship was never repaired, but I believe the trade-off was more than worth it.
I too have been through this… twice. It is still SO painful even though it's been a couple of years. I still miss them. Wonderful memories of our childhood (we were bff's for twenty years) often get mixed up with the more tumultuous remembrance of the past few years. I too would like to think that things could/would/may someday change but until then I try and keep my head held-up high because I did what was right for me.
I am thinking of you and your broken heart. As you know there are so many people who go through the same struggles. I've been told it's part of growing up and growing apart. I hope that you're heart fills up with solace knowing that you are not at all alone in this!
Sending tons of hugs. I know this is hard, for so so many reasons. But it's also right and something will grow from this, you just don't know what it will look like yet.
True story! Recently a close friend since 3rd grade (we are both now 23) completely stopped talking to me. I assume the reason stemmed from myself & my fiance living in a house with her sister who was quite messy. After about 6 months of dealing with the messy sister, I tried to talk to her about it (it was pretty gross!). She took it very offensively and that's when her sister (my best friend & matron of honor) just stopped talking to me. It hurts to think about the situation that I believe is why she ended our friendship, and making it nearly impossible for me to reach out to her to evaluate the situation. This was the one person that I knew I could trust no matter what (besides my fiance of course!) She was my matron of honor! I was upset that she would so easily cast that aside due to a housing issue with her sister. But then I realized clearly being a part of our special day and more importantly, our friendship obviously didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. Not if she could so easily just walk away over something that didn't involve her and was trivial anyway. I've seen her once since all of this happened, and she talked to me like nothing had happened, but there's no real way for me to reach out to her (she's basically cut off any form of communication I would normally have with her) Maybe someday we'll be able to talk about it and patch things up, but I'm still upset that she won't be standing next to me on my wedding day. I wish you the same possibilities of becoming friends again!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I actually had to do the same thing a year or so ago with a friend of about 12 years. She and I had been through thick and thin together. After she got married, she began to be more and more distant, but then would tell other friends what a terrible friend I was for not being able to make it to last minute social functions even though I lived hours away and was in a very demanding college program. I was there for her through all of her marital problems, and after resolving her marriage she became increasingly cold towards me. However, she still expected me to help her when she needed me.
After a while, it all became too much to bear. I had my own life to live. I couldn't continue to worry about her life and mine. She still talks about me to our other friends like I am a terrible person, even though I am trying to begin my career, moving, and attempting to better my own life.
I had to make the painful decision to cut her out of my life because she was bringing me down. I felt like I was doing a bad thing by breaking up with her, but thankfully your post made me realize we can't always be loyal to others first. We have to think of our own lives first. It is not good to continue a friendship just because it has been the norm for years. When it becomes a toxic environment, you have to look out for number one. I just hate that it took me so long to realize it.
This speaks to me on so many different levels. I broke up with a friend 5 years ago and then just recently. There is something so special about close friends. When you break up it feels like a part of yourself has been ripped away. I want to say it gets better but there is always a part of me that will continue to mourn. It 's not easy to get over.
Oh, Dana! Big hugs to you in hopes you will feel better!
I was actually on the other end of a similar situation. I got BFF-dumped. My best friend of 14 yrs. decided all of a sudden she couldn’t be herself around me, she wrote me a letter saying so and had her boyfriend deliver it to me along with a consolation prize of a batch of tomatoes from a garden she started and a sculpture she bought me from an artist she recently met. That’s right, she didn’t give me the courtesy of man-ing up and saying that to my face. Needless to say I was hella confused, devastated and heartbroken. I still am. And I was dumped 3 yrs. ago. Oh, and I let the tomatoes rot on my counter and left the sculpture out in the lobby of my apt. building for someone else to take. I didn’t need the daily reminder of being dumped and all I got was this lousy sculpture.
Now, over the 14 yrs of our friendship we had 2 falling outs before the last one back in ’08. Both of which, I did the breaking up. She was very possessive and jealous at the beginning of our friendship and although she improved, ’til the end of our relationship, that never really faded.
The first break-up came when she was acting a fool when i started to make new friends in high school, she felt she was being replaced and gave me an ultimatum, her or my new friends. Guess who I chose? The second break-up came after high school shortly after I moved to SF. I went down to LA to visit her and I found out she was using meth. How? The first night of that trip when we ‘hung out’ she took me to her dealer’s house without warning. This was the hardest break-up because I had a hard choice to make. You see, my boyfriend at the time (now fiancé), is a recovering meth addict. He’s been clean for 13 yrs. now (8yrs at that time) but everyday, for the rest of his life, he has to choose not to use. And I knew having both of them in my life at that time would not only be harmful and hurtful to me but to each of them as well. So I chose my boyfriend and I told her to give me a call when and if she got clean. And she cleaned up. But she didn’t call. I called her and we reconciliated after I apologized to her for choosing not to be there for her during that difficult time in her life.
We both decided that if we were gonna be friends ’til the end we had to set some boundaries. And we did. And it worked out really well. We even promised each other no more break-ups. The last two were so hard on us both, if we were truly gonna be friends, we had to be there for one another, no matter what. That reconciliation only lasted about 18 months. During which she moved up to SF with me, got her own place shortly after (my fiancé even let her borrow $3k for her apartment), started college and seemed like she was happy on her path. Then she met a dude. And it all seemed to go downhill from there. I watched her destroy everything she had worked so hard for because she found this guy to be so fascinating and loved spending time with him. I mean he was a totally cool guy but no one is THAT cool. And that was hard to watch and deal with because she was always complaining to me about him not getting his shit together and having a job (he was in a band at the time so I guess that was his job). And then she moved in with him across the bay in Oakland. Somehow, at that time I knew I would be seeing less and less of her. And that’s exactly what happened. After about 2 months in living in Oakland, I sent her an email wanting to set up a plan to see her and get a book back that she had borrowed. She responded via text (from some website, not even a phone!) to tell me that her boyfriend was on his way to my place to drop off my book. In reality, that was her breaking up with me. And later that evening her boyfriend showed up at my door and handed me that letter. Like I said, that was 3 yrs ago. I’m still not over it and I have yet to feel like I ever will be. It’s strange because I carry around this sadness like she died. And I think she kinda did, only I know she’s still alive living her life and moving on. While everyday I think about her and wonder if she ever thinks of me. If she ever misses me. And now, just 6 weeks shy of my wedding, I feel the weight of knowing she will not be my maid of honor like I had always hoped. And I fear the type of bond she and I had, I will never know again. Don’t get me wrong, my fiancé is totes my BFF. But he’s the only one and it’s just not the same.
Whew! Probs too much TMI but clearly I needed to get that out!
So to you, Dana and the rest of you commenters, I tip my hat to your gutsy, ball-grabbing decisions. And I thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me take just a baby step closer to closure. Hugs and hearts and glitter!
Also, I totally just made up the word “reconciliated”.
I'm so glad you wrote this (I always am when you share personal stories — you're so relate-able and likeable!) because I've been going back and forth recently after almost a year post-break up with my bff. This person played a very prominent role in my wedding and even as it was getting closer to the date, I knew I didn't feel right about it… I just didn't expect that we'd end up not being on speaking terms just a few weeks later. At first I was angry about a lot of the things that caused us to split ways, but now, this many months later, I feel like the anger is gone and is just replaced with sadness and mourning. We have mutual friends and it breaks my heart when I know she's out with them or if I hear things about her — it's like she's moved on with her life with no regard to the demise of our friendship, whereas it's still hurting me immensely (perhaps that says something about why we ended up this way). I've been thinking about reaching out again but then I remember that this person was not someone who supported me in times when I needed it most deeply; why do I want a friend like that? I guess it's more about wanting some type of closure which I've never been given… I don't think it's possible to go from being bff with someone to just casual friends but the complete lack of any communication still hurts sometimes.
Dana,
I went thru this about 10 years ago with a very close friend of mine. But, in a "last straw" (one where I saw her rip apart another friend of ours) I had a HUMONGOUS awakening… this person is toxic. And, that toxic/negative energy was impacting my ability to make major movements in my life. (I take responsibility for who I am/was, but negativity breeds negativity.) It was the hardest thing I ever had to do – break up with her. I'd never ever let go of anyone. But I realized: WORSE than never letting go of someone… is the fact that I NEVER was good enough to myself to see that I deserved better. I had settled for this toxic relationship.
Then a crazy, wonderful, unexpected thing happened… it didn't happen overnight… but after this episode, I was stronger. I made the conscience decision to surround myself with positivity – just downright good people. (2000 was my "no more drama" year – I'm pretty sure Mary J wrote that song for me.) With this new-found strength, I could sense bull$hit from a mile away. And I could smell toxicity.
So… I gained the best thing out of this.. a sixth sense!
To this day… I am really good at choosing the people in my life. I make REALLY good friends. I chose an amazing spouse (seriously the most amazing spouse). I am REALLY good at choosing employees. I'm good at building partnerships. I am really good at surrounding myself with positive people.
And my life has been all the better since!
I think, in time, you too will have this sixth sense… xoxoxo
PS – I did get together on a couple occasions with this friend for lunch dinner in the years that followed… and things were 'friendly'. But, my sixth sense just told me… Michelle, this relationship isn't for you. And, that was that. And, just knowing that – making peace with it – just felt downright good.
How funny to have stumbled on this…
I'm just clicking around at work, I'm not anywhere close to planning a wedding or even being engaged, but I love "budget"-related help sites. haha…obviously my boss is out of the office for a few hours
Last year my closest friend in the world and I had a breakup, and she's been creeping into my mind lately. Though she was the one to start the conflict, I was the one to call it quits. the "conflict" was really her confronting me about a change she claimed to have seen in me, a change that was, according to her, for the worst. After talking to my family about it a great deal, I came to the conclusion that she was pointing out strengths of mine– sociability, leadership, and recent weight-loss– and turning them into character flaws. I hate to even imply it, but she had struggles simultaneously with my gains, and I think the confrontation was inspired by jealousy.
I'm haunted by how offended I was by the criticism, and my knee-jerk reaction to end the nearly 20-year friendship. I've found that I've adopted a "cut the fat" kind of philosophy. Get rid of the people/hobbies that do nothing but drag you down. While in theory it seems pretty healthy, I fear it has left me a litte jaded.
Though she'd never know it, I miss this friend so much. I honestly want nothing but success for her, and I hope she finds another friend to be as close with as she was with me.
Aw, I'm so sorry Dana, and all of the posters here. Clearly, you're not alone! I went through 3 consecutive friend breakups over a year and a half period, and it was HORRIBLE. As in, literally triggered clinical depression. It took me about 3 years to fully recover, and it was an oozingly slow process (ever watched water boil?).
What's interesting to me is the way these three relationships have resolved themselves 6 yrs after the fact. Friend 1: we're to the point where we're friends on Facebook, but not in real life. That's enough forgiveness for me. I wish her nothing but the best, and miss her at times, but know in my heart of hearts that we're better off not being friends because we have different values when it comes to what we expect/need from a friend. Friend 2: I'm still angry if I stop and think about it (which, to be fair, I really don't that often). I wish I could say that I truly wish her well, but I don't (not proud to say that, but it's the truth). What I wish is that she would *get it,* would take something (anything!) away from the experience. The fact that she doesn't somehow seems to make all the pain I went through be for naught. But I don't miss her. And I think I'm better off. Friend #3 — (the childhood friend) we made it! Our falling out was SOOOO painful. I was ROCKED by the sheer *possibility* that our friendship might not be permanent. Scared, jaded, dazed…yes. So, after a half year of of being "broken up," we talked about it. We took baby steps. We kept making dinner dates, slowwwwly rebuilt trust. And now, she's the one staying with me on the night before my wedding. I love her dearly and was willing to do whatever it took, as was she. I wanted to see if I could teach myself what forgiveness is really all about.
So, my thoughts in the end? Yes, there can be repair. Or not. There can be resolution. Or not. But life goes on, and it's OK. Better days do come.