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Mourning the Weddings I’ll Never Have

I saw a Roller Derby match tonight (the Blitzburg Bombers killed it, by the way).  Roller Derby is unstoppably cool.  It kind of makes me feel like an eight-year-old girl staring at a bunch of sixteen year-olds, who simply by virtue of their age seem cooler than Steve McQueen and Debbie Harry combined.   Derby chicks are so freakin’ cool.

[Photo by Mike Rubino]

The Steel City Derby Demons next bout at home is on July 16, my wedding date.  When I heard that, I started to fantasize about a wedding I’ll never have:  a roller-derby themed wedding where the ceremony happens with our bridal party circling us in a jam.

I’d be BrideKilla.  I’d have a white derby outfit, with ripped up white stockings and fake blood stains on my veil.  I’d make up derby names for all my guests and put them on their escort cards. The reception would be an epic free skate. Doesn’t that sound like an awesome wedding?

Fantasizing about a super cool roller derby wedding got me thinking about all the other cool weddings I’ll never have.

I would make this work. [Source]

1.  A July 4th wedding where I wear a flag dress and put my bridesmaids in red and blue dresses.  Guys, I love the USA with all of my heart, and I’m a huge sucker for patriotic regalia (it is dangerous to get me in a party store around this time of year).  Collin’s first idea for my engagement ring? A white diamond as the center stone with a red stone and a blue stone on the sides.  The jeweler talked him out of it? Honestly? I would have loved that ring. It’s probably for the best, because people would have made fun of me behind my back, but I would have loved that ring.   My teddy bear is red white and blue and named Abearica.  My first year of law school, my roommate Abby and I threw parties on Constitution Day, President’s Day, and Flag Day, and each was more epic than the last.  So shouldn’t my wedding, a.k.a the biggest party I’ve thrown thus far, be on the biggest patriotic holiday of them all?  Well, no, because a Monday wedding would kind of blow.  And my friend Liz throws a killer barbeque every Independence Day and it’s so important to her she might skip my wedding to throw it. And she’s in my wedding.  So the Fourth of July wedding is another wedding I’ll never have.

2. The Wedding Where I Recreate the Dream weddings of the characters in Clueless.  You know, Dionne says she wants a sailor gown and her bridemaids in sailor hats, so I do the ceremony like that.  Tai wants everything to be very floral, so I deck the cocktail hour in so many blossoms I have to provide Claritin as party favors.  And I’ll come to the reception dressed as Cher in her iconic Yellow Suit.  Crazy obscure reference to a fifteen-year-old movie? Totally valid wedding theme.

3. The November Rain Video Wedding. I wrote about that months ago on my blog, hoping it might get it out of my system.  But still, when I hear that song (or Regina Spektor’s “On the Radio”) I feel a little sadness in my heart that my wedding dress has a front on the skirt.  Because if anything could top a wedding that is an inscrutable reference to a fifteen-year-old movie, it’s an inscrutable reference to a twenty-year-old music video.

What are the imaginary weddings you’re kind of sad you’ll never have?

-Robin