Ask Liz About Guest List Management
Hi Liz,
I can’t decide whether to start tackling this from the “good news” standpoint, or the “wedding planner with a stopwatch and a bucket of water” standpoint. Coin toss…bucket of water wins: If you don’t have enough room to invite your college roommates and friends from your 20s, then you can’t invite them. Sucks, but you can’t do it. The rule, such as it is, is that you don’t have to invite anyone you haven’t seen or talked to in over a year. Start slashing, over a glass of wine if you have to. And try and get those invites out next month, my stopwatch is ticking. Oh, and practice saying this so you’ll have it ready if anyone asks, “It’s small wedding – the venue that we love only accommodates 50 people. And there was his list, too, so that limited mine even more.” Not just short and simple, but true. And they’ll get it – they weren’t invited, but then again, a lot of people weren’t.
Now for the good news, such as it is: Typically, you get about a 15% attrition rate – in other words, 15% of the guests you invite are not going to be able to make it, for whatever reason. That even goes up a little if you have more out-of-towners. So, you can send invitations to say, 60 – 65 people and you should still end up at your limit.
You can also stagger your invites – send half or so out to those whoabsolutelypositively MUST be invited, like family and your best friends and wedding party. Then depending on how many actually accept within a couple of weeks, send out more. Everyone gets the same RSVP date, but you just need to give yourself a deadline to send out the second set.
As for those who didn’t make the cut, take a cue from my friends who’ve eloped – Send out wedding announcements afterward, either formal or by email. If you want to do formal ones, order them at the same time as your invites, and then send them out at the same time you mail your thank you cards. That’s like, 3 birds with one stone. Love it.
Out of town friends? If they’re not going to the rehearsal dinner or there isn’t going to be a rehearsal dinner, then find a bar you love with a great happy hour and invite them to hang out for a couple of drinks. If you can, buy the first round.
Wow, these can get you coming and going, right?
Hi Liz!
I’m wondering what on Earth happens when more people show up than you are allowed to accommodate. I’m not overly worried about it – we only invited about 10 more people than the 150 we’re allotted, and of course some won’t be able to come. But I have this nagging feeling like: wait, what if they do all come? Most of our guests are local, so we’ll probably have a lower “No” rate than usual. It’s most likely I’m fretting over nothing at all! But have you heard tales of venues that are very strict about capacity, and weddings that are over that capacity?
Signed,
Space Worrier
Dear Space,
Most venues have capacity rules, but odds are that you’ll be fine – it’s that whole 15% attrition thing I was talking about above. But give your venue a call and ask if they would be able to accommodate 10 extra guests, if it comes down to it. Find out what that would look like logistically and cost-wise. Forewarned is forearmed, and it will make you feel better. I have coordinated weddings where more guests showed up than expected (RSVPs looks like an approximation to some people), and from my experience, venues and caterers generally make more food than is ordered and you can usually squeeze another table in there somewhere. But definitely, definitely ask.
So, are any of you going through these dilemmas, or does anyone have any more advice to give? Let me know in the comments!
See you at the end of the aisle,
These problems are why I think the 15% attrition is a foolish concept. In the months before our wedding, we were worried about cutting our guest list and everything I read suggested that we go ahead and invite a few more than we could handle because inevitably certain people won't be able to attend. In spite of this, the idea of having no room for the 10 or so extra guests people suggested we invite never sat well with me. So we didn't do it. We invited who we wanted and who we had room for. And I suggest anyone do the same. Of the 80 people we invited, very person except one was able to attend. If we'd sent out invites for 90 or 95, we'd have been royally screwed. Although I understand the logic behind it, I think inviting more than you can accommodate is a foolish idea. It's tough, but cut your list and stick with it. Send out invitations for the amount of people your venue can accommodate, not more.
Great article! We were in the same dilemna, but because we wanted to limit the list. Now instead of the small wedding with 50 guests, we are coming in at around 110!
Also, I am wondering where the invite in the picture if from?
Hi Gobstopped – If you really want to include the people who won't fit in your wedding venue, one thing to consider is looking at pavilion rentals at local parks. One of the weddings I'm attending this summer is having a day-after BBQ picnic, and they've rented a pavilion for super-cheap. There's a huge covered-pavilion near me that would easily hold almost 100 people, and it comes with a kitchen (including two huge fridge/freezers, stove, sink, etc) and a grill. It costs about $200 to rent it for the entire day.
The invite is from etsy.com. Click on the picture and it will lead you right to it.
The attrition concept does seem to work better with larger groups with a bigger out-of-town factor, because it is a little bit of a risk. What I've seen work REALLY well this year is staggering the list – sending out to the A group and then to the B group. Or, you know, as Kiera says, just cut your guest list. And I get it – it's not just about how many people you can accommodate, it's about not offending those who you can't accommodate. Not to mention wanting to have everyone you love at your wedding. Practicing "the explanation" helps, even if you only ever use it on yourself.
I spent about 6 months fretting day and night at the idea – couldn't let it go – that EVERY single person we invited MIGHT say yes, and what would we do? My fiance kept telling me not to worry. In our case, he was proved right as the replies began to come in. And we ended up able to make a small B-list a week or two before the RSVP deadline.
Now, our wedding is a lot bigger than the one described above, and included plenty of "must-invites" in the families who couldn't come. I'd bet that the smaller you start out, the harder it is to assume the 15% rule – since you're making up the list so much more carefully and those people *are* closer to you. So I think everyone's right in this debate, in a way.
I had a friend who overinvited, went over the limit (and her budget), and had to de-invite people. To "make up for it," she threw a picnic for them the day after her wedding – and asked for it to be potluck! I wasn't one of the de-invited guests, and even I thought it was horribly tacky.
It's way better to have an abbreviated list now and surprise someone with a slightly late invite. My bride-friend lost a lot of guest-friends by doing it the other way.
If your ceremony venue caters for it, you could try inviting everyone to the ceremony and having a smaller reception? It sucks, but I think that's what we're going to have to do.
Of course, there's that whole other barrel of fish of explaining why cousin X is invited to the reception when cousin Y is not…
We are getting married 1500 miles from our home and inviting guests both from my hometown (near our venue) and my fiance's hometown (near our current home). Our guests will need to travel, so we want to send Save the Dates well in advance. But we're also worried about our guest count as we have a strict budget and venue guest restrictions.
Ideally, I'd like to send invites on a staggered timeline so I can gauge the guest list as responses come in. But since we need to send Save the Dates, I'm worried about 1) B List guests not having ample time to make travel plans, and 2) A List and B List guests who know each other talking and the B List guests realizing that they are our second choice. Any tips on how to invite two lists and avoid awkward situations?
From a broke-ass bride of 30 years ago. Do not choose among cousins or college buddies, etc. Get a total. Find somewhere that accommodates that many. I know that you have found a tiny, perfect place that suits your taste perfectly for your reception. Don't book there. Book somewhere that can hold your guest list. If I had to have a picnic, or peanut butter, that's what I would do. People over palate. We had wedding at 8pm, then cookies and champagne. Thirty years later, when some of these folks are passed on, or moved to Japan, or don't speak because of something not having to do with you, you will keep your memories and photos. PS don't cut your bridesmaids list not to appear ostentatious. No one will care in the future, just you and the girl left out. Love to all the new brides.
Option #1: Send the Save the Dates to just the A list people. The B list is the B list and they don't need early warning. Once the A list invites are out, give yourself a couple of weeks, which is just about how long it takes for the first RSVPs to get back to you (call those who haven't) and then send INVITES to the B listers. If you send them out early enough, it will be okay, travel-wise. As for people talking, mail often gets lost. It took a month for an RSVP to get to me, and they sent it, well, about a month ago. Might be the size of the cards. Don't worry about that, too much.
What if we've already sent out STD's and now really need to cut back the guest list due to budget constraints?
How do you tell people that you've given a STD to that you just can't accomodate your original guest list and have to eliminate some guests????
Gah. Well, at least you haven't sent out them out, yet! My best advice in this sticky situation is to to send invites to the people who can accommodate, maybe do the list a and list b thing, and then ulitmately send announcements to those you weren't able to invite. And stay really quiet while you're doing it.
A and B lists, and formal announcements, sound like great ideas to me… glad I found your site and blog! Thanks so much for the insight and suggestions