{Ask Liz} About Wedding Confrontations
First of, thanks to everyone who called yesterday to get their 15 Minutes of Wedding Planning with me. I had a great time answering your questions (plus I got a blog post topic for next week), and here are a few more:
Dear Liz,
If These are supposed to be the same color, they really need to be the same color. (Courtesy of Kristina Hill Photography)
So I did the very responsible thing and went through a bridal shop for my dresses, and they just came in, and despite ordering them at the same time, they came in at all different times. This made me skeptical about them really being dyed together. Lo and behold, they are different colors. What’s a girl to do?
Signed,
Untied Over the Dye
Dear Untied,
Get two of the dresses that are different colors together, then call the shop immediately or just take them in. Taking them in is better. Physical evidence is the best proof. If you’re comfortable with them re-doing the order, then ask for another set, with Rush delivery. If not, ask for a refund or discount. I know you’re probably worried that they won’t take care of this, but it’s definitely in their interest to take care of this, especially if it’s right there staring them in the face. Deep breath – it’ll be okay.
Dear Liz:
Yeah, NO. Not even if they're as cute as these. (Courtesy of The Gap)
I realize I cannot control what people wear, but I don’t want my FMIL going around telling people to wear jeans. Am I crazy for letting this bother me? Up until this point, I’ve been extremely relaxed about all details of the wedding, so I don’t want this one to set me off. What would you do?
Dear Casual,
Well, first I would put my head on the desk and bang it against the surface a few times. Oy. Then I would inform your FMIL that odds are she’ll be the only one wearing jeans, and you expect that every other woman there will be wearing a dress, from the time the ceremony starts to the end of the reception. Repeat as often as necessary. That way, if she does show up in denim, she can’t say you didn’t warn her. Have her son talk to her, too. Encourage him to use the words “Have to wear a dress.” No one wants their mother looking like a fool at their wedding. And if all else fails, you can always put “dressy casual” on the invitations so there’s no confusion.
Liz, I need some advice:
My fiance and I are having a small (75 people) reception in my fiance’s home town. To save money and to make our reception more personable, we are doing most of the work ourselves. We are also having a friend of his family cook the food for our reception. Every time that I talk to my FMIL she always suggests/insists on having something or doing something for our reception that I don’t want. Example: I suggest one kind of food, and she decides that we will have another, etc. I love my future in-laws, but how can I take back control without being mean?
Signed,
Menu Madness
Dear Menu,
You know, when I wrote about this a couple of months ago, a future mother-in-law wrote in to say that she was never sure how much she should get involved and she appreciated the advice to lean towards backing the hell off. Dealing with parents, and mothers, especially, can be a wedding tightrope. You want to please them, because you’re used to always pleasing them, and you want to maintain a good relationship with them, because they’re always going to be around. And they’re used to steering you in the right direction, because they’ve always steered you in the right direction. Even though you might be uncomfortable with the idea of confronting her, if you’re really upset about how things are turning out, you need to do it.
You don’t have to be mean, you just need to be clear. Instead of “I don’t like any most of these food choices”, be specific. I don’t like this, I don’t like that, and instead, I want this and that.” Use phrases like, “I just like this better”, and ” I always wanted to have this at my wedding.” No “could we?” or “is it possible?”, which is an invite for her to come up with a reason why you can’t and it isn’t. And thank her for her help beforehand and after, be very positive about that. And, if you can, get the number of the caterer, so you can contact them yourself – don’t make her have to order the changes on top of the rejection. Yes, it’s rejection, and there’s no getting over that. But remember, it’s not personal, it’s just personal taste, specifically yours. You deserve to have the wedding you want, and not be bitter because you got the wedding she wanted instead. Bitter sucks.
And to clarify what I previously emailed you about warning your fiance, I meant that you should tell him that you don’t like what’s going on. Be specific with him as well about what you don’t like, and warn him that you’re going to talk to his Mom, and ask him to back you up. Because you know she’s going to say something to him about it. BACK-UP, only. Do NOT ask him to talk to her instead – it’s your issue, and it will muddle things if you have to resolve it through a translator. Which is the exact opposite of what I told the previous bride, but this one is really between you and her.
So, are any of you having these kind of challenges and what did you do? And what do you see as the difference between the solutions to the last too questions?
See you at the end of the aisle,
We just had our first friend ask about bringing a guest–before we've even sent the invites out! We had decided not to invite anyone "and guest"; anyone in a long term relationship will be invited as a couple with the name of their significant other, otherwise no. Responding to that email was hard, it had to be worded just so. Why are weddings so complicated?
Not as casual, you need to rethink your adjective choice! Instead of casual, say "simple" or "homey." Most of your guests will figure out what to wear based on the time of day and location, and your invites can say a lot, too. (Though it may be too late for the mother-in-law. She doesn't sound like one to get a hint.) Good luck!
@spaceelephant – it’s the classic dilemma you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but you’ve got stuff to do.
“Simple” is a great alternative.
Casual, You are singing my song, girl! We are also having a backyard casual at our home wedding – which his backwoods friends (sorry, baby) have interpreted as "wear shorts and bring your own beer bong". NO!!!! This is still a wedding, it is still a special moment between a couple and God (or whatever).
Here's what I told people – "please dress like you would for a church service. I'm paying A LOT of money for a photographer and it's really important to me that everyone look as gorgeous as I know they can be. I want to showcase these photos on my blog and in our house for everyone to enjoy". It seems to be working so far… fingers crossed. Good luck to you!
That works, too. I LOVE the solutions you guys come up with.
I like the idea of using the word "simple" instead of "casual." And in the back of my mind I think about the pictures, too! I want everyone to look their best… for the whole thing
Thanks Liz and everyone else for the advice.
SIgned,
"Casual"
I am both glad and horrified that I’m not the only one with in-laws who think it’s perfectly appropriate to wear jeans to a wedding reception. Generally, I think it’s pretty widely accepted that, if an event is traditionally “church-y”, you wear real pants. Period.
I’ve tried hinting to the fiance that he should make this clear to his family ahead of time, as they will be maybe ten of the 100+ guests and will stand out like sore thumbs when they’re the only ones wearing jeans. I’ve tried to explain to him that I would be MORTIFIED if I showed up that underdressed and something could have been said ahead of time. But, he doesn’t want to talk to them, so I don’t know that it can be avoided.
I’m hoping that when FMIL sees the dress my mom picked, she’ll realize this is a semi-dressy occasion and dress appropriately. Though, considering her first dress choice was basically a floor-length sweatshirt (complete with jersey fabric and the little “v” at the neck), I may be asking too much.
I've considered baggage check into the reception just to make sure my FMIL doesn't slip a pair of jeans into her purse to change into (HAHA KIDDING!!)
I'm sure there will be a handful of people who come that genuinely haven't a clue about what to wear to such an occasion, but I really don't want one of them to be the mother of the groom
But in the end, we're getting married to our best friends and it shouldn't ruin the day.
Good luck with yours!
O M G…totally can relate!!!! loved reading this artice. I was explaining to my FMIL that i would not be wearing a traditional wedding dress (instead a short, white, non-wedding dress) and the groom & his groomsmen would be wearing sneakers.
My FMIL openly showed her utter disgust in wearing sneakers to a wedding. She then told me she would rock up to our wedding in her gardening clothes.
It was offensive and rude. People need to back the s&#t down and keep there opinions to herself. i felt like i was talking to a child and like saying 'umm, excuse me, is this your wedding?!!!" and "did i ask for your opinion here?".
in hindsight i should have told her to shut her mouth and promptly walked out of the room.
It honestly boggles my mind that anyone, anywhere, thinks it's okay to wear jeans to a wedding. Any kind of wedding. The first time I saw that in someone's pictures, I was horrified. I've determined it's a backwards American thing. A wedding is a celebration and a special event. A casual, summer, backyard wedding still means you wear a casual, summer DRESS or casual, summer PANTS. Not jeans, not sneakers, not shorts… I've erred on the side of over-dressing, but have now learned that the average Northeast wedding is a "cocktail dress" — knee-length, not-black, chiffon — and heels for guests.
I don’t like the term “simple” as it implies a lot of negative vibes for me personally. I prefer the term “intimate.” Intimate means your nearest and dearest, dressed to perfection, not in jeans or God-forbid, shorts or cut offs, which I have seen before. A garden or outdoor wedding will be a clothing choice in itself as it is a more casual setting than a formal church and a downtown hotel ballroom. Most people give this consideration I think.
I had a casual, outdoor wedding but did not tell anyone that. When asked (and never without being asked) did I let people know that. The less you say, the better since everyone has an opinion.
ours is gona be "semi formal"…we will have caual bt still dressed up…no jeans bt the guys wont have to have ties or jackets just a vest, etc