cheap wedding inspiration

Ask Liz… About Family Politics

It’s the last Friday of the month, which means it’s time for me to take questions from YOU. Here we go:

Dear Liz:

I have a large family, 2 sets of parents with all the usual aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My future husband’s family is smaller by far. I am close to 10-15 family members and want to make sure they attend our wedding. Recently at a family function, one side of my family that I’m not very close to asked the where, when, etc about my wedding.

Of course they all wanted to know when their invites were coming and  I did not say anything to make them feel they would not be invited. Now I have to re-plan my festivities for 94 instead of 45-50. Is it possible to “un-invite” family?

Courtesy of Kenny Backer Photo

Signed,

Flummoxed at $79.95 a person

Dear Flummoxed,

The good news is that you haven’t actually invited them, yet.

If I were you, I’d take this list of, Good Lord, almost 50 extra people  to  your parents, and see what they think. Be honest – say that you’re not that close with the extra half-hundred (!), and weren’t planning to invite them before the fateful get together. Mention the added cost a couple of times, the destruction of desired plans, and try to narrow down the list to whomever they feel has to be invited. That is the ultimate nice way to do it, if only to avoid your parents or loved ones having to answer the question, “Hey, how come I didn’t get invited to Flummoxed’s wedding?”, any time soon. <gulp>  The next nice way to do it is put the unwanteds on a “B” list, sending them invitations only when you’ve got acceptances and rejections from your primary list.  Or, you can just not invite them, but  that might not be possible on a personal or political level. Choose whatever will stress you out the least. But if you feel you need to invite some of them,  I’d start with your parents.

I know that it’s hard to know what to say when put on the spot like that (ugh) but for those of you who might face a similar situation with similarly presumptive people, practice this response, “Gosh, you know, we haven’t gotten that far in the planning, but yeah, we’re really excited, thank you so much! So, how’s (change of subject related to them) going?” Gall bladder surgeries, new houses, new puppies, anything having to do with whatever you know about their lives, and go with it.

Courtesy of Kenny Backer Photo

Hi Liz,
I’ve been wondering when the bride and groom usually check into their wedding night hotel?  My wedding will be in Santa Barbara so I will be staying at a hotel the week before, but my fiance and I  wanted to stay at a different location on the night of our wedding.  My wedding day is starting to fill up with hair appointments, makeup, photography, etc, and I’m just wondering how I’m going to make time to check out of my current hotel and check into my new hotel, especially given check-in time restrictions.  What should I do?

Signed,

The Road’s Not Traveled Yet

Dear Traveled,

The first thing I do whenever there’s a problem is find out exactly what I’m dealing with. Call the hotel that you’re staying in before your wedding and explain the situation. Standard check-out is usually 11am, with check-in available at 2 or 3pm, but find out what the latest checkout time is that you can get. Then give your wedding night hotel a call, too. There usually isn’t a specific time that you have to check IN, just when you CAN – but make sure.  See if there is there a way that you can check in remotely, by phone call or online. After that, it should just be a matter of getting your stuff over there. Are you taking a car/being driven/able to hide your suitcases somewhere in your venue? My wedding planner duties sometimes include transport, and always include an assistant who can drive,  so if you have a planner, ask. If not, you’re just going to have to store it where you can and remember to put it in the getaway car before you take off.  Ask someone to remind you. Moms are very good at that job.

Courtesy of Kenny Backer Photo

Dear Liz:

I’m the mother of the Groom. Although the bride’s parents are paying the majority of the wedding costs, my husband and I are taking care of the bar and the wedding flowers, along with the rehearsal dinner. The problem has been the invitation wording. My husband and I wanted the invites to include our names as well, as in “Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Karen Jones and Mr. and Mrs. Thomas and Jane Simmons request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children Sarah Jones and Charles Simmons.” Her parents seemed to resist this, at first, but agreed to it. As a compromise, the wedding rehearsal invitations will say “join us” as opposed to naming my husband and me as hosts. Is this proper etiquette, or have we overstepped, given that they are paying much more towards the wedding than we are?

Signed,

Paid and Proper

Dear Paid,

I think you’re okay. There are two invite wording standards these days: Either the bride and groom invite everyone (Sarah Jones and Charles Simmons request the honor of your presence at their wedding) or the bride and groom, along with their families (together with their families, Sarah Jones and Charles Simmons…) invite everyone. But the wording on your children’s invites is used frequently too, as a way of involving both families, especially since both sides will have guests of their own at the wedding. In other words, it’s a good way to avoid a potential guest opening the invitation and thinking, “Wait, who?” I can see where your discomfort comes in financially, but you should give yourself a break, seriously. The rehearsal, the flowers, the bar? These are essential things. You know, especially the bar. Thumbs up from me.

What do you guys think about these questions?  I’m curious if anyone has run into “Miles” problem, and how they resolved it. Let me know in the comments. Bring it!

See you at the end of the aisle,