It is a truth universally acknowledged that the average groom is not interested in planning his wedding. No offense, the story goes, but it’s just not his thing. All the dresses and all the pretty and matching colors and flowers and the squealing and who’s going to sit where, and yes, it all really matters (and it does), but they’re more than happy to let you figure out all of that sh…uh, stuff.
But I’ve been running into a lot of grooms lately. Clients, potential clients, non-clients in the same room as clients and potential clients, TV characters, Macys. What can I say? It’s summer and they’re everywhere.
Some of them are there willingly. Some of them do it because you want them to be there.
Groom maintenance starts with these questions, and be honest: Does he want to be involved, or do you want him to be involved? OR do you just want him to want to be involved? They’re different things. For instance, on Entourage this week, Sloane wanted Eric to look at these flower arrangements she liked, and he couldn’t have cared less. Why didn’t he care about the flowers? Because he didn’t. You know what he cared about? Marrying her. The #1 rule of Groom Maintenance is: Let him not care about what he doesn’t care about. Because what he really cares about is you. Priorities, people.
Don’t get me wrong - at Silver Charm Events, I’m noticing that grooms are actively participating more these days. But I’m also noticing that the majority are only actively participating in the stuff they’re interested in. Chris is a musician, so he organized the three bands he and Sheila had at their wedding. Mike has to have a certain type of scotch, so he’s in charge of the bar. Or they’re like Devon and Peter, who had to take over most of the wedding planning because Sarah was in Japan and Theresa was in law school. And, of course, as more and more couples are paying for their own weddings, more and more grooms are making more and more decisions.
So, instead of telling him what you want him to do, ask him what he wants to do, and what he wants your wedding to look and feel like. It may prove difficult to get an answer. If so, do what I do during wedding consultations – ask him what he doesn’t want. Because he definitely knows that. There is going to be at least one thing that he absolutely, positively does not want at your wedding, and you need to know what that is right now. Find out now, because you will find out later. Many a bride has been blindsided when their fiance suddenly pulled the brakes on one of their ideas – knowing is half the battle.
Groom maintenance continues by keeping him informed of the choices that you’re making. Eric, I’m looking at flower arrangements this week. Do you want to see any examples before I make a decision? No? Then move on, and be okay with the reply, “Whatever you want is fine”, because he means that. Eric, we need to schedule a food tasting , do you want to come? Yes? Let me know when you’re available. On the other hand, if he really wants to be a part of every decision, let him. Less pressure on you. More compromise, but definitely less pressure, so enjoy it.
Don’t blindside him, either. Repeat: If he mentioned something, he cares about it. So, if he mentioned it…He expects it to happen. If there is some reason that it can’t, don’t let him find out when it doesn’t. Tell him beforehand and work it out.
Yes, Communication and Acceptance are the cornerstones of Groom Maintenance. Of marriage, too, by the way, so it’ll be good practice.
How’s your groom doing? What is it that he definitely does or doesn’t want at your wedding?
Oh, and Congrats and best wishes to our own Britt, who’s getting married tomorrow! Knock it out the box, kid.
This Week’s Deals
DIY alert! Sign up for the Michaels Arts and Craft Store newsletter, and get a coupon for 40% off your next purchase. You’re welcome!
Forget Me Not Weddings and Ban.do, the ultra chic design studio, are teaming up to give away two flower clips from their bridal collection, like this beauty right here. To enter, visit ban.do and leave a comment on Forget Me Not’s blog about the piece you like the most, deadline is August 4th.
Bustle Events in San Francisco is sponsoring a great giveaway that’s good anywhere. Calligraphy by Jennifer is giving away a 15% discount off her services, plus 25 thank you cards, to one lucky reader. To enter, leave a comment on Bustle’s blog about your favorite item on Jennifer’s website by August 3rd. GO.
For you L.A. locals, have I got a deal for you! Really want to have a cupcake tower at your wedding? How about 20% of any order of the yummiest in town? Temptations Cupcakes, baby. Try the Hanky-Panky Pineapple Coconut, it will change your life.
Last call (no, not really) to sign up for the soon-to-be launched Broke-Ass Bride weekly newsletter – which will be the only place to access deals, steals, and freebies like these… and then some!
See you at the end of the aisle,