Your wedding can be a launchpad for your life.
I have lots of strong feelings about weddings. I don’t believe they should result in debt. I do believe they should be a celebration of your personalities, and sing with details that say something about your love. And generally, I don’t believe there are rights or wrongs in weddings, because really… who are we to judge what’s right for you, or the next couple?
But today, a really bad-ass post by my friend Emily at Eco-Chic Weddings (& Good with Style) reminded me that one of my strongest feelings about weddings is something I’ve not posted much about… yet. I kept telling myself I’d do it when I hit the ceremony part of our recaps, but who am I kidding yo? You and I both know those recaps are taking their sweet-ass time and I am bored of waiting. (sorry about that, they will come. sometime) So, in the spirit of continuing where Emily left off….
Holy crap, we're getting married!
Your wedding isn’t just one day. It’s no carriage gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight, people. It is the beginning of your life as a married person. As a couple. As a team. It’s kinda like, your wedding is like the ultimate new years eve. Out with the old… and in with the new – resolutions vows and all. Heck, there’s even usually champagne toasts and kissing involved just like new years! It is not about expense. It is not about purchases, or timelines, or gratuity envelopes. It is not even about beautiful dresses and photographers and music. It is about you, your partner, and your love. It’s the beginning of a new phase of life, but now you’ve got a buddy who wants to be there every day with you. PS – how freaking rad is that?!
It goes lightyears beyond what kind of partner you want to be to your mate. If you haven’t already, now is the time to decide how you want to approach life together, as a unit. Whether you’ve been together for 5 minutes or 5 years, it’s up to you to decide what the next 5 minutes or 5 years or 5 decades will be like (beyond the to have and to hold business). This can be so fun (and it doesn’t cost a single dollar)! Look back at your relationship, and think about what elements you can infuse into your wedding design and your ceremony, as reminders to yourselves and to communicate to your posse, the kind of life you’re creating together. So…. eff tradition and let your unorthodox light shine, if old-school ceremony doesn’t suit your style. Or revel in the ritual of convention and history, if that’s what makes your heart sing. There is no right or wrong, as long as you’re being true to you. So be straight up with yourselves and don’t compromise. This is a rare moment in our adult lives, in which you really get to set yourself up for the future you dream!
When we wrote our ceremony, we were hellbent on making it extremely personally unique, and wanted to really use it to set up the life we want to forge together. If we were going to make a solemn, lifelong vow to each other, we decided it was best to put everything into words and actions that personally embody our priorities as a couple. And it went beyond the vows to each other. We invented symbolic gestures to replace ones that didn’t resonate with us, or we borrowed inspiration from others and made it our own. The internet is rich with cool people who’ve designed personal and rad weddings, and we made good use of their legacies.
My daddy, imbuing our rings with his love.
At the top of the ceremony, we invited our guests to join in a group blessing, to commit to support and protect our relationship – and then continued their involvement with a ring warming ceremony. We wrote personal statements to each other, and customized our vows completely, looking boldly at our strengths and shortcomings, weaving in ways to keep us strong, grounded and connected. We also dedicated a section of the ceremony to making vows to the universe – pledging to be conscious caretakers our earth and her people, and to lead by example in an effort to help others find a way to greener, kinder lives. Later, our guests showered us with compliments about our ceremony. Many said they’d never been to such an unique or personal wedding, and they absolutely loved learning about us through the event. The best compliment we heard all night? “It was so YOU!”
The same can (and should) apply to your design. Let your spirits sing, yo! Some of your guests may never have met you before, or perhaps the last time they saw you, you were rocking pampers. You’ve invited this specific group to witness your marriage, so what do you want your wedding to say about you, and how can you include your guests? Have fun with it, and see how many ways you can infuse what makes you YOU into the day.
And please, lets not underestimate the valuable life lessons hidden in the wedding planning process. If you’re self-planning, there are some bad-ass skills that you’ll acquire that can easily be applied to your life in ways that you’ll never imagine! From budgeting and negotiation, to creativity and design, to research and logistics, don’t just abandon all those useful talents you’ve been building up once you reach the end of that aisle! Use them to make your life better, easier, more fulfilling, and sweeter, every day!
Every couple has a different personality. A different set of priorities, or personal doctrines, by which they lead their lives. So why should your wedding be a one-size fits all, fill in the blanks script or design? Let your wedding day serve as a reflection of and launchpad for your life, and live its lessons every day, for as long as you both shall live.
And, just because I’m feeling hella guilty about our recaps being so slow… here’s a taste of our ceremony – the repeated vows that we handcrafted together:
I Dana, take you Hunter, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To love you without reservation and to demonstrate that love in action, as well as word. To turn to you and not on you in times of trial; and to practice honest and thoughtful communication, especially when its most difficult to do so. To challenge and inspire you to be all that I believe you can, and to welcome the same from you with an open heart. To make passion a priority, and faithfully work to entice and attract you through the years. I vow to trust in your love and put apology and forgiveness above ego. To take ownership of my health and to care for yours; to celebrate your joys and share your sorrows as long as we both shall live. From my hand to your heart, I thee wed.
How will you use your wedding as a launchpad for your life? What life lessons will you take with you?
(update: I changed the title to “can be” after (the ever-astute) Liene brought it to my attention that it might insinuate that everyone is waiting for a wedding to come along before they start their life. Oh no! My true point is that a wedding is an opportunity to reevaluate your priorities, and consciously decide how you’d like to step into the next phase of life. And that the vows one makes and lessons one learns in the process should never become secondary to things like flowers and invitation wording. They should live on long after that day, and always! The best part of life is that every day, we have the chance to change it, and ourselves, for the better – married or not!)
Emily's article hit me too, and it's something that's been really frustrating about wedding planning resources. Because we're focusing on the marriage, and articles like this help us remember that, even when the wedding is making us nuts. Thank you. This is one of my favorite BAB posts. It's honest and important and thank you for sharing your vows.
"From my hand to your heart…" I love that!
I actually kind of needed this today, so thank you.
Wonderful post and so inspiring.
Seriously great post, Dana!
Thank you, Becca! Your commitment to keeping weddings rooted in their true meaning is always inspiring to me!
Thanks Jules! We had our officiant trace the infinity symbol with his finger onto each of our palms, and then held our hand over the other's heart while repeating our vows. it was so powerful!
Aw, thanks Heather. Glad I could help! Thanks for reading
*high fives* thanks Brit!
Beautiful post. I love the infinity symbol idea. We had someone from the Ethical Culture Society marry us and she did a similar type thing. Ethical Culture is a great alternative for couples not sharing the same religion (my hubs is Jewish, me–an Episcopalian Yogi
But the point is taken–follow what feels right to you and you won't regret a thing. Tht includes marrying the right person–ha! Thanks for the shout out too!
Fist Pump (I did live in Jersey yous know)
Emily
This may be digging a bit too far into semantics, but I'm not sure "launchpad for your life" is exactly what a wedding is. Stepping stone maybe, but launchpad insinuates that everyone is waiting for a wedding to come along before they start their life – that true life doesn't start until one is married (and sadly, I know plenty of women, and a few men, who buy into that ideology). Life starts long before a wedding, before meeting someone and continues after one or both of those is gone. And if one never does get married, either by fate or by choice, they still have a life to live and one that has the potential to be a full life, regardless. I think I know you well enough from reading your blog and tweets to know that you don't buy into the life starts once you're married idea either, but that's my two cents on the word "launchpad".
Semantics aside, I agree that far too many people focus on the one day instead of the rest of the marriage.
[...] Using Your Wedding Day as a Launchpad for Rest of Your Life – broke ass bride [...]
Thank you Emily, and thank you for the inspiration… always!
Liene, you're totally right. I should amend it somehow because I can see how it might be misinterpreted. Thank you for bringing that to my awareness.
My true point is that a wedding is an opportunity to reevaluate your priorities, and how you'd like to step into the next phase of life. And that the vows one makes and lessons one learns in the process should never become secondary to things like flowers and invitation wording. They should live on long after that day, and always!
I kind of want to leave this online window open forever. Just so it's always readily available to read again.
Best BAB post ever. Seriously. And I L.O.V.E. your vows. So amazing.
Amber! *HUGS* that's one of the best comments I've ever received. Thank YOU!
Every line of this post hits home for me. Planning our wedding has changed me. Given me balls I thought I never had. Inspired me to let my personality shine at all costs. So I am certainly going to take these new skills and apply them to my life. I can't imagine any other option. I am stronger today than I have ever felt in my entire life. And I know you've heard me gush about how much you and Hunter have inspired me, and propelled me to plan a wedding about US (be it traditional or non), but dammit it's true! Finding your blog last year was a total game changer for me. And this post showcases my *exact* feelings towards weddings and what I want for our lives far beyond the wedding. So thank you for this post, or for your continued support and love. And goodgod your vows had me tearing up at my desk, sheesh!
I totally agree with this
And as much as I rolled my eyes about doing the Catholic pre-cana wedding prep that was a lot of what we discussed…figuring out the path you and your partner want to take going forward TOGETHER for the rest of your lives. And I think all of those decisions should be reflected in the ceremony and overall feel of the wedding. The way you wrote this was so eloquent, great job!
If one of our couples strays too far into the deep depths of wedding planning and loses sight of what it's all about (which we see from time to time!), we'll be sure to direct them to this post. We always tell them that this is about YOU, not the flowers, not the dress, and not the image you are trying to portray. Plain and simple, this is about LOVE and a celebration of your love. Everything else is just icing and should come second to the celebration and start of a couple's life together.
Thank you for sharing, Dana!
Aleah + Nick
Thank you! You inspire ME, every day! I loves ya, girl.
Ah, yes – there's also a great book called "The Hard Questions" which is a fun exercise to help start the discussion with your partner! Thanks for the sweet comment!
Aw, thanks A+N! How sweet of you to say that! xoxo
wonderful job keeping the true meaning of the day in focus- your marriage and your life beyond the amazing and wonderful wedding. Great job!!
I absolutely love this post. It reaffirms why we're having an intimate wedding in Sedona much to the chagrin of my family. After much familial poking and prodding we've stayed true to our vision and are happy with the lives we plan to make for ourselves. We see this wedding-entity as a catalyst that really affirms our marriage and joining our lives and families.
As an aside: I loooove this post, and it really helped me release some stress/anxiety related to impending wedding-entity. You have got to be my favorite blogger.
) Keep on rocking and/or rolling!
So the stars in the universe seem to be aligning. I too have been thinking along this wavelength. In particular, I've been thinking about how much my now-husband and I worked together to create a wedding that perfectly expressed who we are, and how satisfied we both were in the end. I've been thinking about the new "trend" of "grooms being more involved," as if his involvement is akin to "helping out around the house" or "helping with the dishes." I find myself thinking that I am glad I had a partnership in our wedding planning rather than a wedding planning help-mate.
Thank you IGgy. As our mailboxes (both the one by the road and the virtual) grow ever-more-full of "BRIDAL THIS" and "REGISTRY THAT", it is nice to read your beautifully written reminder of the true meaning and symbolism of the day. Your and Hunter's vows and actions on your wedding day speak volumes about you as a very special couple. Thank you for the lovely breather from the details–you effectively bring the whole picture back into beautiful, soft focus.
Hugs…
*blush* Thank you Amy!
Ohhh, sedona – beautiful! I love how you call it a wedding-entity. What you said about it being a catalyst. So true! and THANKS! what a huge compliment!
You're getting so close, Kat! Exciting! Thanks for always being such a great support and cheerleader. I love you!
This is so beautiful and true. Easily the most important wedding advice I've ever read.
By the way, your dad is so sweet–he has smiley eyes.
This is a beautiful post. It is addressed to people who are getting married. It does become a whole new life for those who choose. It doesn't denegrate people who choose not to marry. Most people would agree getting married is a life changing decision. Taking and stock and deciding how you as a couple want your life to proceed is wise advise. Thanks Dana.
Wow, that is easily the most flattering compliment I've gotten! Thanks so much!
Doesn't he though? He melts me
Your wedding vows are so beautiful that they should be on a card somewhere! Damn, it makes me want to print them and put them on my wall as a daily reminder of the way marriages are meant to be. Thanks for sharing!
[...] for a wedding and beginning of a marriage, about the reception as a first act of hospitality, about a wedding as a launchpad for life, about anxiety and faith. With those as inspiration, I set about crafting a set of goals for Ace [...]
[...] We wrote personal statements to each other, and customized our vows completely, looking boldly at our strengths and shortcomings, weaving in ways to keep us strong, grounded and connected. We also dedicated a section of the ceremony to making vows to the universe – pledging to be conscious caretakers our earth and her people, and to lead by example in an effort to help others find a way to greener, kinder lives. – Dana [...]