What does planning a traditional white wedding feel like?
…Because I’ve been planning our wedding for the last 10 months, yet I will never know the answer to that question. I will never know what it feels like to hire a florist. Or a band. Or what it feels like to choose cake flavors, and have menu tastings. There will be no worrying over what cake topper to choose. Or what china pattern to eat off of. Or how many forks each guest will need. Or what getaway car we will rent. I will never wear a Vera Wang gown. Or have a wedding planner asking for our color choices for the Chiavari Ballroom chairs. We will never audition bands. Or ceremony musicians. And I will never experience matching tux and gown shopping for the wedding party. We won’t have a plated, sit-down rehearsal dinner. Or get to hire a professional videographer. Or register at Williams Sonoma. Or send a 4-piece invitation with reply cards. Or travel to a far away island for our honeymoon. We are getting married in less than 4 months, but we will never know the feeling of experiencing any of these things. And to many, including my former self, that is the saddest fact known to man bride and groom.
Yet somehow… we’re still going to have a real, live wedding with 150 guests… and a ceremony with a processional, and a reception with toasts and champagne… and a first dance… and (of course) a dance party… and a perhaps a bouquet toss. It will all be there. But it will be different from what I originally thought our unique wedding would be. And you know what? We are so okay with that. (I wasn’t okay with it at first, but I’ll get to that in a sec). Because after thinking long and hard about what those traditions actually meant to US as a couple, we discovered they ultimately did not flow with our groove. And if I had succeeded in convincing myself that we *did* in fact need all that, I’d be looking myself in the mirror, asking, “WHO ARE YOU?” Because each and every one of those white wedding traditions listed above… ultimately has little to no meaning to us and our marriage as a whole. Even if I had an unlimited budget with all the the best resources in the world at my fingertips, these things would still mean nothing to me. And we would *still* plan and execute the same wedding we are throwing now. Well… let’s not go too nuts. If I had the dough to hire Bowie to play the reception, I’d do it in a hot minute. But that’s neither here nor there.
You're gorgeous. No, *you're* gorgeous!
But, as mentioned earlier, our current DIY/make-our-own-rules wedding mindset did NOT match up with our initial “We need to throw a White Wedding” mindset… I started to plan a white wedding 4.5 years ago when Mike and I first got engaged, buuuut thankfully shiz hit the fan and we called it off. Then we got ourselves all engaged again, and were faced with the task of desperately trying to plan a traditional wedding in Los Angeles for under $10,000 again. And when we discovered that wasn’t going to be possible, we got real sad. And boo-hoo’ed our way through the endless venue search. And found nothing.
Then something magical happened: I discovered the amazing world of wedding blogs, and got a major, MAJOR wake-up call. I was an ignorant fool about weddings this whole time we’ve been engaged. Wait, no, I take that back. I have been ignorant about weddings my entire life. I hadn’t even considered DIY alternatives–or any kind of wedding alternative for that matter. Which is shocking to me because I tend to think outside the box with practically everything else in my life, so what was so different about a wedding? I would have laughed in your face if you told me our wedding was going to be catered by a taco truck. Laughed in yo face! Scoffed even. Hands down, would not have believed it. I initially didn’t even want a buffet-style dinner, let alone a street taco dinner served off a truck. I think I was scared of what our guests would think of us… or that I would regret not having a sit-down formal dinner. But the blog world changed my thinking completely. All of a sudden I was immersed in this amazing DIY-centric, rules-don’t-matter, be who you are and no one else, online wedding world… and the weight of feeling I needed to throw a traditional white wedding was lifted. Completely. And I’m telling you, I haven’t looked back since. And our preconceived notions about what a wedding “needs to be” or “should be” have ceased to apply to our thinking.
Wedding Catering? Why the hell not?
Then something else pushed us over the edge. We realized that weddings in general are NOT environmentally friendly. That didn’t even cross my ignorant bride mind. Traditional white weddings generate so much waste, it’s shocking. And after I realized this fact, I finally started to understand the weight of what planning this kind of wedding really meant, and that we now had a responsibility to make our wedding as green as we could make it. I am by no means an authority on Green Weddings. Nor would I ever judge anyone who doesn’t have a green wedding. I’m just your average, everyday person who is thankfully now AWARE that a wedding that produces excess waste can be AVOIDED. That’s all there is to it. I ain’t preachin’. I’m just saying I’m thankful for the wake-up call. And as a result, things like fresh flowers… and full-service catering… and limos… and the Vera Wang dress… and the honeymoon to Tahiti… don’t really interest us anymore. Sure, those things would have been lovely, but we made a decision to put on a wedding that was kind to the environment and kind to our finances as a married couple. And that’s what has kept us grounded through this whole process.
So in the end, we never got to experience planning a luxury wedding with all the traditional trimmings. But I have no feeling of sadness, or regret, or bitterness. Absolutely not. I consider myself LUCKY to be able to throw the wedding we are having. I couldn’t have asked for anything more special. Because it is ours. And was planned on our terms. By our own accord. And no one can ever take that feeling away from us… even if it doesn’t look like a luxurious wedding straight from the pages of Brides Magazine.
What have you learned since beginning the process of planning a wedding? Is the wedding you are planning now, the same wedding you thought you’d be planning when you first got engaged? If not, what’s changed?
(Wondering who Britt is? Get caught up here and here!)
Are you really having the Kogi taco truck??? I die! I have a serious case of the jealousies over your taco truck (whether it's Kogi or not).
And, I wish more brides would plan THEIR own wedding, instead of what everyone else wants for them. What's important to me, isn't important to you, and that's okay, because it's your wedding and both of ours will be wonderful and fantastic and full of love and laughter and good times.
I think – the biggest lightbulb moment for me during this whole process was that yes, I could have this wedding I wanted to have and it could be sparkly and neon and all that nonsense.
In addition to that, though, I could also BE the kind of PERSON I wanted to be, fearlessly. I could wear glitter on my nails to teach and dance around with my kids and Facebook-friend my bosses because that’s WHO I AM. And I pretty much just darn love myself, so why do I keep my real self so hidden from everyone? Why am I holding myself to these arbitrary societal constraints? Fuck it! Throw some damn glitter on it!
It’s easy to say “be yourself” and it’s entirely another thing to ACTUALLY be yourself.
Love you Britt
Throw some glitter on it! Love it!
I am in a rut… A month has gone by since we got engaged and nothing- I have nothing. (well except a date) We aren't motivated by a location, venue, caterer, florist, nothing. When will that "ah-ha" moment happen? Help.
I always, always, ALWAYS tell my brides – you're only getting married once – HAVE THE WEDDING YOU WANT HAVE THE WEDDING YOU WANT HAVETHEWEDDINGYOUWANT!!!
It's the one day you get to express who you are in front of the whole world. Go for it.
Rut girl – happens a lot – there seem to be be too many choices, so you don't know which direction to run in. Start with this question, "What DON'T I want at my wedding?" Make a list of 10 things, and don't stop until you reach 10. Go to a bridal show – not to pick up vendors, but to see what's available, and use it to add or amend your list of things you don't want. And then go from there to make a list of 10 things you DO want at your wedding. That should help.
I am having a broke-ass wedding, since my fiance and I are doing it ourselves. We have a beautiful yet inexpensive venue. (I was the grand prize winner of half-off my wedding package at a bridal fair!) I bought my dress on eBay. Instead of catering we're getting large amounts of take-out. I still don't know if we can afford a photographer, but if not, we'll have plenty of digital pictures taken by family members.
What I really hate though is being asked why I want a wedding. Why put up with the expense, stress, whatever, when he and I could easily go to the courthouse and the end result would be exactly the same? It's like I have to validate my reasons for wanting to have a beautiful day, wanting others to see my commitment to the man I love, and for wanting to throw a party afterwards. Some people would rather see it as a waste of money, regardless of how much you spend. But that's another topic altogether.
Okay, /end rant.
Totally take Liz's advice. Making a list of things you do AND don't want will help you so so much–especially after you've done your research. Going to a bridal show like Liz suggested could be very eye opening. Make a few bridal salon apptsAlso, I would suggest immersing yourself in wedding blog world too. Read bride blogger's journeys from the beginning– from the first post to the last. That's what I did. I literally read Broke-Ass Bride's blog from start to finish in one day. That opened up a whole world of ideas and inspiration for our own wedding. And it made me realize that our wedding can be whatever we want it to be. Start with you and your partner's personality. What do you both love to do together? What is your favorite city? Favorite food? Favorite dessert? Favorite music? Everything we are having at our wedding is a personal CHOICE. The taco truck that is catering our wedding, stops by our house once a week, and we usually skateboard to it together–so that has meaning to us. And Los Angeles–this city means a great deal to us as a couple as well–it's the city we discovered ourselves in (corny sounding I know, but still true). Once we started making those decisions… everything seemed to start to fall into place. email me if you want to discuss more… I have lots of ideas: bowiebride@gmail.com
PS: love your name
Hate hate hate when people say that. Don't ever feel like you need to validate your decisions on the kind of wedding you want– and NEVER ever feel the need to validate *why* you're having a wedding in the first place. We constantly grappled with the idea of doing a quick n dirty cheap-o courthouse wedding, but ultimately it came down to our desire to celebrate our love with all the people WE love. And for those people who don't get that, well, they can stay home and miss out on all the fun.
Love you too, Jess. Seriously. You are so fiercely YOU it's inspiring. And "Throw some damn glitter on it" is my new favorite quote.
It really is one of the few times in your life where you get everyone you love and who loves you in one room, especially if a lot of them are from out of town. I'm a wedding planner, and I've still had a few friends who eloped as well, a couple of whom went for a reception later. Conversation – Liz: You want some help making a wedding happen for you? Them: Nope, we're out – Long weekend, Santa Barbara Courthouse on Friday, chill the rest of the weekend. Liz: Cool, grab me a Starbucks city mug, would you?
It's cheaper, yeah, but as I ranted earlier, what's most important is that everyone should have the wedding they want, WHATEVER that looks like. It may be a lot of money, but it's YOUR money. People would freak the F out if you told them what to do with theirs.
Why justify your wedding to a sour-puss, party-hating, stick-in-the-mud??? A wedding is a great reason to have a celebration (whatever that looks like to you) with your nearest and dearest. Full stop. People who don't understand that money is just a tool that can be used, among other things, to create occasions that celebrate joy are missing the boat.
(which is not to say that everyone should have a party to celebrate their wedding! some people may not want to, for whatever reason. But if you want to have a party, for God sake, have a party!)
My fiance and I spent a few months planning a wedding. Turned out we hated almost everything about it. About a month ago we started planning our second wedding. It's nice to hear a bride who also took a few wrong turns, but still ended up in a place that makes her happy.
Love you bowie bride
i am so over boring…everyone does the same thing at weddings…arghhh! i am over flowers, they’re expensive and they die and they take up all the room in ur photos. why do i want flowers to be the focus of our photos? i want me & my groom to be the focus. it’s out day, not the flowers! and the whole puke-worthy matching formal bridesmaids is achingly awful! mine will b who they want and there will certainly not be any matching!!! i am not doing a ‘function venue’ either…no white chairs covers with bows, no money wasting centrepieces, no cake, no matching suits and definitely no favours. i want a nice meal at a venue with soul…no cliche wedding decorations in sight! ours will be in an arts venue room w old wooden floors and we will walk up stairs to get into the room. i will have plastic, yes plastic chairs, because my wedding is not about chairs and chair covers…it’s about having fun w good food and good company. and me & my groom hehe!!!
A Kogi truck? Seriously amazing.
Just a quick note about one of the reasons your post made me smile: MY wedding is in Brides Magazine this month. An official Real Wedding starting on p244. We were weird and funky and did everything our way and threw a million traditions out the window and it was perfectly us. And no, a bunch of that wasn't included in the article, but there we are. And we are not sparkly-pretty-pink and formal and traditional. We're loud and bright and different. And I never EVER thought a mainstream magazine would see the charm of our wedding, but they did.
Times are a changin', aren't they? I love it. Best of luck with planning a day that's perfectly, weirdly you – just as it should be.
Maggie, that fills my heart with so much joy it's not even funny. Good for Brides Magazine for stepping outside the box and featuring a wedding that's a lil left of center
Cheers to "loud and bright and different"! Can't wait to see the spread!
You can Limos at reasonable prices for your big day! classy brides travel in style!