The Last Name Game, Part 3 (the conclusion!)
(Psst – if you’re new here, get part 1 and part 2 of the surname saga and then come on back for the conclusion!)
Thank you all so much for your support and amazing feedback about this situation. I’ve loved hearing your thoughts and speculations about our decision, and you’ve been wearing your patient pants, so now its time for the big reveal!
In the end, we decided compromise was the best solution. Hunter still felt it was crucial to honor my name, despite us also honoring his parent’s wishes. He wanted to make a grand gesture to both show me that he was becoming as much a part of my family as I am of his, and to make better the disappointment we had been through before. I am so proud of him for standing up for what he believes in, as well as for doing right by his family (even if I still disagree with their opinion). He wins my heart over and over every day we’re together, delighting me with his thoughtful, loving nature and generous spirit.
So, today I write to you as:
Dana Susan LaRue Stiebel, wife of Hunter Hans LaRue Stiebel.
(I ain’t gonna lie – those are pretty rad looking names, no? Fortherecord: that’s Steeeeeble, not Sty-ble.)
I am “hyphenating” last names (but I prefer the way it looks without a hyphen), and he is adding my maiden name as a 2nd middle name. It was the best we could do, without alienating anyone in the family. I’m pretty pleased with it. And there’s a twist…
While I’m still let down that our child(ren) won’t share my last name as I’ve known it, we are leaving the door open to naming a child after my maiden name, just as Hunter was named for his mother’s maiden name. Its certainly a fun idea to entertain, and when we’re ready for kids, we’ll definitely revisit the idea. A little girl named LaRue Stiebel could be pretty dang fierce, methinks!
The best part? After months of waiting for the right moment to break the news to his parents, Hunter told them about our compromise and the response couldn’t have been better. Totally positive, on board, and supportive – exactly totally ultimately perfect. I’m so relieved to know that its over, and everyone seems to be at peace with the end result. Because at the end of the day, having a happy family is key, yaknow?
What do you think? Did we make the right choice?
Beautiful choice, Dana! And btw, Hunter has the raddest middle name EVER. Hans LaRue! It could double as his porn star name, no? Oh and I'm in love with the idea of naming your future child "LaRue" – I recently read a book where one of the female characters was named "Rue" and I LOVE it.
I think they are beautiful names. LaRue is an awesome girls name by the way. That is my plan as well. My parents kind of f*ed my over in the last name department. I already have two last names hyphenated. So tagging another one on is really just ridiculous. I'm actually starting to looking forward to not getting a handcramp everytime I have to write out my whole name. BUT my compromise is that I get to name a child (or dog) Kendrick after ONE of my last names.
Your husband is amazing!! What an incredible compromise! You're definitely a lucky one….
I think that is an amazing choice. The name game can really be tough especially if you are so attached to your last name. I think LaRue is a really cute girls name, not to mention unique! No one will forget her name!
Perfect compromise – which is not the same as a perfect solution, which often does not exist, of course. Congrats!
congrats on what sounds like a wonderful compromise & a fabulous husband!
i'm a new follower to your blog so i really just wanted to say hi. i'm not a bride, never been a bride, and nowhere near ready to be a bride, but a while back i visited your blog when it was "of note" and have found myself gravitating toward it ever since. so i finally took the plunge and committed (haha!) to being a follower. i just like your style, kid.
looking forward to more of your humor & joy – and ps, gorgeous wedding pics!
i think the compromise is perfect!! everyone gets what they want without hurting the parents feelings!
congrats!!
p.s. – la rue stiebel will definitely be a force to be reckoned with
This is super interesting to me… I fully admire your courage both and support your decision.
Here, married women keep their own names (by common societal practice as well as by law), so I was never faced with an option, but I find it really fascinating to see how women do, and your solution so far is the one I like best. And yeah, so my son doesn't have my last name (we gave him my husband's), but it's just the way families work here. In the end it's just a name, it doesn't make him any less mine.
thank you for sharing the intensely personal and yet public decision of names.
it sounds like hunter and you have reached the best decision for yourselves, honoring the family you are becoming and honoring the families that you come from.
it's a great compromise, and it's that what this is all about?
I took my husband's last name when I married and kept it after a divorce; more for our young kids than anything as I think it's difficult when kids are young for their mom to have a different last name; think phone books (remember those!).
My youngest just graduated from college and it's time when I can do what I want…and what I want is to create a last name. My maiden name is Bathe – pronounced Baythee…yea, how often did anyone get that right. My married/divorced name doesn't matter, but also not pronounced as it's spelled and I am sick and tired of spelling. So time to be creative!
I'm going to change my last name to Baker; for so many reasons. Starts like maiden name, shouldn't have to spell it for any one AND I love to bake! Well love to cook but thinking cooker doesn't work and then it misses that BA identity.
Family not at all happy…even though I haven't carried my maiden name for 35 years and at this point, it's not an issue I'll let them decide but was sort of amazed at how affronted they felt. Especially considering I haven't used Bathe for 35 years…shows you want a touchy subject it can be.
I think the two of you made a heartfelt decision to honor everyone; was fun to read the story and see your final result. Thanks…and congrats!
That is really sweet and awesome to honor both your names. I'm glad the family loved it (as they should). I have taken his name, but in a sorta kinda way. We just moved to London and my passport and Visa are in the maiden name.
But I changed it on Facebook and will change it on my license when I get back and that's all that matters right?
I love LaRue as a girl's name. There's also the option of using it as a second middle name for each of your children. I actually think that would be pretty cool! I know tons of people that have a first name and two middle names.
You two rock! I'm glad to hear that everything turned out for the best for everyone. Your daughter will rock her name with pride. You two are good people.
Strong work you guys! Yay to conflict resolution that turns out just right!
Way to go! Compromise is vital to great relationships. I will say this, after a couple years of marriage, I wish I had waited until a few months after marriage to change my name, instead of doing it right away. I would have kept my maiden name as my middle name and not given it up so easily. As for in laws, mine are loving and supportive but they still don't put our wishes above theirs. The hubby is really good about making sure I know I'm first, even in those really nasty insecure moments I have periodically. You know those moments, where you want to take your ball and go home without letting anyone play.
What a great compromise…
I don't know if it varies by state, but where I live you aren't required to give your children their father's last name. In fact, you can give them any last name you please! My significant other and I have decided that at least one of our future children will have my maiden name as their last name. That way, my name gets continued one more generation as well as his!
Just a thought!
In filipino custom (or at least in my family) our names are as follows.
WifesFirstName&LastName + HubbsFirstName&LastName = ChildsFirstName WifesLastName HubbsLastName.
Did that make ANY sense? Pretty much, my name is Jennifer Jones Perez Mitchell.
'Jennifer Jones' is my full first name.
Perez is my Middle name, and Mitchell is my last.. When I was learning how to write in gradeschool, it was nice being able to practice with such a long name– lately, i just use the middle initial.
Oh! And if/when i were to get married, i asked my parents and supposedly i'm supposed to drop my 'middle name/initial' (P). I have no idea what i'm gooing to do. hah…
anyways, your guys' names rock both individially and together (with the invisible hyphens).
What a wonderful compromise! And although it would still be a perfect solution, I'm glad that family is happy with it.
i am so incredibly intrigued. i'm engaged, getting married next year, and have lately been pondering this dilemma. i too, have an incredibly awesome last name – everyone remembers it, comments on how awesome it is, and strangers meeting me for the first time often say "please promise me you'll never change your name."
hence. the dilemma. such a tricky question, and a matter of wanting to unite with your husband but maintain your own identity.
thanks for sharing this – a lovely compromise!
I love it and think it's fantastic that you BOTH have LaRue as your middle name. I have an aunt who changed her maiden name to her middle name and her kids are all named the same way, but her husband has conspicuously not done so and it makes me sad.
You guys made a great choice. Thanks for sharing!
of course you made the right choice— you made it together