The Last Name Game – part one
I’ve been meaning to address this issue for quite a long time. I wrote the post below the day we got our marriage license, a week before our wedding. But, before I published it, we hit a roadblock that has kept me from publishing it since. You may remember 3 days before the wedding, I mentioned we had our first pre-wedding crisis. Well, c’est ca, yo!
I’m posting about it, in large part because it’s an issue I’m hearing more and more couples talk about, and I hope my story will help from a practical standpoint. I’m writing about it, in small part to address some of the emotional issues involved (both yours and mine), which is equally important to consider.
So, rather than re-telling the whole story, we’re going back in time and reliving the first half here, as written in that moment, unedited. Stay tuned for the conclusion, written from today’s perspective.
And away we go….
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I ain’t gonna lie. I have a rad last name. It’s so cool, its got two capital letters. It’s french. People love to say my name. When I meet people, they say “What a great name! You should be an actress” (tee hee). Some even ask if its real. I have been called it, as a nickname, almost as much as my first name. Its a major part of my identity.
Hunter’s first name is actually his mother’s maiden name, which I think is very cool. His last name is also very unique. Its german. People also tell him “what a great name!” It’s got a rich history that means a lot to their clan. But, its just not my name.
Growing up, I always thought I’d hyphenate for personal use. Professionally, I planned to keep my maiden name. But, I (not so secretly) dreamed of a situation in which we would both hyphenate, so our children would have my name too. So the new family we are creating together would share one common name. It just makes sense: we honor both the names and histories of those that made us who we are: these two loving souls joining together and forming a new family unit. It’s the ultimate show of love not just to each other, but to our families as well. Marriage is all about inclusiveness. Blending. Unity. Right?
Hunter suggested we might name our child my maiden name, like he was named, and while I love the idea and it works great with his first name, I’m just not feelin’ it 100% with my name. Mayyyyybe with a girl. Not so much with a boy. We had this discussion several times over the nearly two years we’ve been engaged. We never quite settled the question.
Today we went to get our marriage license, and in California we have a law called the Name Equality Act, which allows couples to submit their new middle and/or last names at the time of filing for the license. This way, the marriage certificate will reflect their new name, which makes the rest of the name change processes much easier. As we stood in line, we discussed my new name, we talked again about all of our options. Then it was our turn. We stood there with our pens, looked at the form, then at one another, and made our commitment with gleeful tears in our eyes.
I am thrilled to announce that we have chosen to both hyphenate! I am overwhelmed with joy! After 19 months of periodic jokes about it, it happened. We will soon be Mr. and Mrs. hislastname-mylastname. (It rolls off the tongue better than if we did it the other way around.) It was an amazing moment between us. I felt it so deeply inside, it was my first taste of what that ceremonial commitment will feel like. That promise of a certain future.
When I asked him what led him to this conclusion, his answer was sweeter than I ever dreamed. “I love your name,” he said “Its a great name, and its who you are. But also, your family has taken me in as one of their own from the very start, and I’m proud to be one of them.”
Le sigh. I picked the right one, I did.
Hunter is soooo sweet. Its great you two found each other
AGH! I just started crying! That is so sweet.
We had the same issue when we discovered the name equality act. We had about 3 minutes to decide what we were going to do. We took each other's last names as a second middle name. No hassle, no argument, and we're both totally happy with our decisions!
Ok, thanks. I'm about to cry here!! But, I'm from Puerto Rico and women don't change their last names there, nothing changes! When yo have kids, his last name goes first, then the mother's last name. We all have two last names, and we use both of 'em. Am I making sense? Anyway, this is lovely!
What a very sweet, enchanting story. I can't wait for part 2.
You must have read my mind because just this morning I was thinking how I'm going to miss my last name. People call me by my last name! I joke with the fiance about combining our last names into one and making an entirely new last name.
How wonderful for you guys that you chose to do this! I LOVE it!
I'm very intrigued with what happens in part two! Great part 1 though!
awww!!!! we're going the "mom's maiden name for first name" for our kids…once we get around to having them!
Wow … I'm anxiously awaiting part 2!
My first and middle names are my grandmothers' names (maternal and then paternal) and my last name is my family name. I'm also called by my middle name.
The first time I married, I hypenated, because I didn't want to lose either or both of my grandma's name. Despite the pain to change it on everything, I liked the new name. To make a long story shorter, my first (now ex) husband had an extra marital affair, and one of the first things I wanted to do was get rid of his part of my name.
Now, years later, after winning back my birth name and meeting the man I married this may (he had never been married before), the whole name discussion resurfaced. My husband let the decision remain with me, and I retained my birth name. As you say, it is part of who I am and what my history is. In some ways, it is me. And he loves me for me. Any kids we might have will get both our names.
The reaction from some more conservative family members has been less pleasant though, even though they know about my previous marriage and all the stuff that went with it. How do folks deal with that?
To wrap up, I am blessed to have an understanding husband who sees the importance of retaining and reclaiming my birth name.
Yay for sharing names! I am blessed with a French name as well, and I love it, and it's beautiful but there will be no hypenation in my future. It is of the incredibly long variety, and if I added anything to it it would not fit on any form.
My guy loves my name, too, and when I brought up the fact that I wouldn't want to change it, he said it had never occured to him that I might change it. It's a big part of me.
I'm really anxious to see what happens in part 2!
I always thought i'd keep my last name as well but now I find myself in a position where i want to take my fiance's name. His last name is pretty flippin' sweet, and it goes with my first name better than my last name does and those are pretty much the only reasons i want it. But I still feel a little hypocritical doing what I always said i wouldnt.
This is so weird- i just posted about this… My fiance and I made the awesome decision to BOTH hyphenate, and like you sounded in this post- we were both PUMPED. His reason: "I want to start a new family with you". sigh.
needless to say, as Anonymous stated- his parents were not so pumped. in fact, the freaked and are now extremely upset with us. As children who have never fought with their parents, this has been extremely stressful. and it's something we're not compromising on.
I have a funny feeling that part two might be a little different- i'm hoping Andrew won't have to deal with a lot- but i'm assuming that the name hyphenation deal will be more difficult for him than myself….
How sweet of him. I'm happy to get rid of my last name. It's so common…Smith, ugh!
I think this is the coolest thing ever.
What a wonderful story…..you DID find the right guy!
I didn't have strong feelings and went the simplicity route of changing to my husband's name. It is sad to lose such a big part of you, SO glad you worked it out for the best!
This post made me tear up. So sweet.
What a great story!
I love that you are sharing names. While I have decided to change mine, I love stories that combine/create for couples. It is so touching!
So wait… what are your last names? Am I he only one that is now dying to know your cool French last name?
How sweet! I have been musing about this for a while myself. I always thought I would just keep my last name I like it and it's my identity… it's me. My fiancee comes from a very large Irish Family and he's very proud of his family history, is a bit traiditonal in some ways. He very much wanted me to change my name, but supported whatever decision I made. We both assumed I would keep mine, but as the wedding got closer I started to change my mind. His family has taken me in. I really feel like I am part of them. Plus I like his last name. When I showed him my sheet of practice signatures with my soon-to-be-new name, he started to tear up. It was very sweet. But professionally, I am keeping my maiden name, so it's a good compromise and a way for me to retain my own identity, while still merging with his family.
My last name is Divine, and let me say I'm having panic attacks about giving it up, I am not a young bride, it's been my name for a long time and I'm so sad to let it go. I have many nicknames- all which center around my last name. Everyone keeps asking me, can we still call you mollie d, can we still call you divo? They better, I say. It's too many syllables to hyphanate- my last name will be like 20 letters, and I think it's confusing for kids if you have two different last names.
Sigh….why can't the tradition be the boys take the girls name???
Sigh. I heart that story. I decided long ago (never to walk in anybody's shadow…sorry…couldn't resist) that I would keep my own name. For one thing I have three Ricky Retarded brothers of whom only one has married! So part of me feels like it would be a nice homage to my family. Plus, it's just who I am. It's not the nicest name, but it's who I am. Plus, A.P. has the most mundane name ever. BORING. But yes, I feel you on the decision making process. I've never had so many damn arguments in my entire life than I have had about the name change!
What an amazing guy that Hunter. I decided that I will keep my name after the boy and I marry, but I would only hope that my fiance would be as forward-thinking as your guy. And you know what? I really think he would. So, smiles all around.
Ahhh watched the video and got the last names… oui your French name is tres cool! But what do the kids do when they get married and they have hyphenated names??? They can't hyphenate again… too many names!
OMG so beautiful
Great story! It looks like you made the right call!
Brilliant! absolutely Brilliant! the only thing is that was the one thing I thought we had figured out and now you went and did this. My wheels are turning. I figured I woudl hyphen and do what my mom and step dad did. ladies get both and guys stay the same. but now this equal partnership thing really has me thinking. not sure our names work as well as you and hunter's do but maybe…looking forward to part 2
He he… what an adorable story. I am taking on my hubby-to-be's last name. And keep my last name as a middle name. I have such a strong connection to my family that it will always be part of my identity. Definately keeping my last name for professional purposes. Just makes sense