The Last Name Game, Part 2
Pssst, if you missed part 1 – get it here. We left off a week before the wedding.
Four days before our wedding, Hunter had run out on an errand, and called to ask me to come upstairs to the car and help him with something. I could tell he was crying. Terrified that he had been hurt, I tore upstairs to the street to find him crumpled in the driver’s seat of our car, an emotional wreck. He had just gotten off the phone with his parents, and told them the news about our name change decision.
Suffice it to say, it did not go over well, and I had never seen Hunter so upset in our seven years together. There’s just something about Hunter that’s so pure, seeing him hurt or in pain is utterly and consumingly heartbreaking.
The details are unimportant, but basically his parents saw our decision as doing exactly the opposite of what we had intended it to mean. They felt betrayed. That it was a rejection of the family name. That it was a slap in the face of their history. And Hunter, who has always enjoyed a very open and supportive relationship with his parents, was devastated both by the severity of their reaction, and the fact that we were now in a crucial position to either go with what they want, or to follow our own compass. Having both been raised by families that encourage innate compass-following, it was a very conflicted feeling for both of us.
I immediately bent to their will like one of Uri Geller’s spoons. I wasn’t about to start my marriage by driving a wedge between my beloved and his family. Sure, I am devastated that we cannot share a last name, that our children cannot carry both names forward, and this could be the end of the line for my family name. I know in my heart that our intentions and the execution of them were nothing but respectful and inclusive in nature, and that this choice is truly only between the two people marrying each other. But preserving the integrity of our extended familial relationships is more important, and our desire to marry with the full blessing of his parents was stronger than our need to win this fight.
So two days before the wedding, we found ourselves back in line to get a new marriage license. This time, filled a different set of emotions. This time, with a different look in our eyes as we filled in our names. This time, with a different decision for our future.
Now, let me be crystal clear: This is not a post inviting any judgment upon my husband’s parents, nor is it intended to be an indictment of them. I hope that it is not construed to make them appear as bad people, because nothing could be further from the truth. They are loving, giving and very supportive; I appreciate and care for them very deeply. They made Hunter into the man he is today, and that’s the greatest gift I’ve ever received. So, please, do not misunderstand the point.
The name change game is a personal and often highly sensitive part of the marriage process. I know women who put off a decision until many years after their marriage because they can’t make up their minds, or they fear a family reaction that goes against their wishes. I also know women who don’t think twice about giving up their name and can’t wait to make the switch. You never know what reaction your choice might incite among loved ones, and I recommend that you weigh the matter and possible consequences carefully before making a choice. The waters of this decision are muddled and murky; you never know what feelings lie beneath until you swim through it, yourself.
So how does this story end? Stay tuned for the finale… coming soon to a blog near you!
This is such an important topic for so many of us – thank you for sharing your story here.
In many ways, my process of keeping my name was far simpler than for many others, for two big reasons:
1) Trevor's mother never changed her name
2) I don't know that anyone who knows me ever thought I'd even consider changing my name anyway
As you say, everyone's process and gut instinct on this one is completely different and personal – as it should be. I think it's fantastic to support each other through our decision-making processes, and to understand that a multitude of factors contribute to our own decisions, each person's different than the next.
It was touchy with my husband's family as well. They are third generation Sicillian American. Throughout the immigration their amazing Sicillian name got butchered to a generic, easy to pronounce, English name. We thought they would love it when we told them of our intention to go back to the original name, but it was just the opposite, the were upset that we would not be carrying on their name as they had it.
I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to the two of us starting with a clean slate and a name uniquely our own, but I did not want to start my relationship with my in laws by already going against their wishes.
Man, what a rough decision. It's so hard when there are two (or more!) sides that both feel passionately about something. It makes me a little sad that the idea you were so excited about didn't get to play out, but family support IS important, so I'm sure you made the right decision for YOU. And neglecting everyone else's feelings wouldn't have been right for you! All the best! -Lindsay
I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you two. Afterall, it is your name, your life and ultimately your choice. But yes, I agree that it would be so so difficult to go against your family's wishes – knowing that it would, as you said, drive a wedge between you. Kudos to you both for your bravery and for your loyalty. Thank you for sharing your story.
I think your ability to do this for his family demonstrates your commitment to your future and your marriage!
That must have been so hard to see! Poor H.
I must admit my first reaction probably would have been to stick my feet in and stick to my guns and therefore, making it into this big dramatic thing.
But your way is much better
What a tough situation! You've handled it with grace, though. Karma is powerful; good things will come back around to you.
Thank you so Much! I am in the middle of this crucial decision myself… I planning on blogging this one soon.
I'm sorry that your in laws misinterpreted your gesture. I know they're wonderful – you've talked about it so much. I know you must love them, because you wouldn't have considered their opinion if you didn't. But Hunter's gesture was definitely beautiful (you DID pick the right one) and your gesture to not double-hyphenate was beautiful, too (as an ode to your in-laws).
I can't wait for the conclusion!!
Funny that you rarely – if ever – hear of this reaction from parents of a bride.
I wonder how Hunter's parents would feel if their daughter made the same decision.
I agree that it is totally gender biased. You would never (at least, almost never) hear of a bride's parents being upset at their daughter changing her name! In fact, we are expected to drop our family identity to take another family's name? I just don't get why other people get so bent out of shape.
My cousin went through the same thing. He and his wife decided they would both use their two last names hyphenated, and I thought it was a GREAT idea, so modern and thoughtful. And his mother hates it. Notice I say "hates" — he still went through with it.
I'm choosing to keep my current name after our wedding, partly for feminist/identity reasons, but also for business reasons. I'm a photographer. I have a website that is my firstandlastname.com. My name is my brand. Chaning my name would seriously disrupt that. And my fiance totally gets it, all of it.
Hmmmm when I got married a million years ago (ok 29…) this was simply not an issue. My husband is fairly open minded but when I asked him if we were getting married today would he consider hyphenating our last names he said he would not care at all if I did but said there is 'absolutely no way' he would do it. Interesting. Maybe younger men are more open to it.
I won't console you as I know the issue has been resolved and probably in a very happy way. I can't wait to hear the end of the story tho! Don't make us wait too long.
wow- most definitely word for word our story. Except we told them 14 months in advance. and they are FREAKING out.
regardless, we are going through with it- and 14 months should be enough time for them to adjust. hopefully.
Ahhh, I'm surprised to hear that the name change is such a big deal & causes so much emotional upheaval (as I was surprised to hear that having a reception sans the kids causes all sorts of wedding planning strife, as well). Who knew getting married could be so complicated!!
I intend on keeping my last name, as I too have a unique & frilly sounding one, there are only girls in my family & "why not"? However I must admit I don't LOVE the lack of cohesiveness, the way it confuses everyone at church, & also not sure WHAT to do when we have kids, but?
C
I like your idea of hyphenating the names…I'm still trying to talk him into it.
I've been married for 28 years and counting. When I kept my last name and hyphenated it with my husband's last name it was not for professional reasons. It was that I wanted to honor my deceased father. Here's someone that still makes people cry over his loss today just like it was yesterday. I only had my father's loving care until I was 11, but his strength and wisdom have carried me through many a situation (even now!) The most resistance I received for the decision at the time came from other women who did not choose to keep their maiden names in any form, my mother-in-law included. I said that perhaps their fathers were not as great as mine and more easily discarded. As time goes on, I have heard more tales about their respective fathers that tell me I was right on the money! In addition, (and I don't want you to think I'm a little troublemaker, I'm not)at the time I married I didn't know what kind of a father my beloved husband would turn out to be, but I definitely knew what kind I had. If my daughters choose to honor their father by retaining their maiden name in some fashion, that is their decision (we do think he is pretty good at being a Daddy). The children all have his surname, I am the only one with a hyphenated surname. It does help with my educational credits, half are before marriage, half are after. Follow your heart, honey. Hopefully it's a long life and it will still matter to you long after all the people who put up a fuss are dead.
Yeah, um, I'm going to step forward and poke here – I'm not big on hugging; never was. What's wrong with honoring a mother's identity as well? Although, mother's identities don't really exist at this point, having been replaced through the generations by the identity they are expected to take on in marriage. My son has my husband's last name (just happened to have a son first – could've been a daughter) and my daughter will have my last name. This way, both of our identities (although mine is sadly tied to a long patriarchal line) will be maintained. I don't understand why Hunter's mother subverted her family history to that have her husband's, thus making Steibel the "family identity" that would be lost. What about the women?! Why are we expected to step aside for our husband's family history, as if that should automatically take precedence, simple because that's the way things have always been done. For a country founded on independence and independent thinking, I continue to be disappointed by all of these women rolling over to "tradition" instead of reveling in their own identities.
@Anonymous: Thanks for writing. I think your solution is extremely creative, but for me, I'd prefer that my children share the same last name, so it wouldn't work. Hunter's family tradition is very rich, and his parents are from a generation in which tradition is more tightly upheld. His mother's decisions for her own life are totally hers. True, I take issue with them imposing their wishes on us, but in the end I'm of the opinion that peace is the ultimate family goal. In part 3 I'll reveal my solution to the problem in terms of keeping my name prominent, which pleased everyone involved.